Everyone has a type, specifications that you’d prefer in a partner. it's normal to be attracted to a certain body type, height, or skin color. However, it gets problematic when it seems that you keep attracting the wrong men with the same qualities.
You’ve noticed that all the men you’ve dated consecutively, happen to be toxic, serial cheaters, or just mean and inconsiderate. You may have blamed yourself at some point, thinking that you’re the cause of the problem.
With time, however, you’ve realized that you’re just stuck in a toxic cycle of wrong men. It's hard to watch other women find the love of their life so easily while you struggle to find a guy who isn’t a complete waste of your time and energy.
This is where you need to stop and honestly seek a solution to this problem. If you’re fed up with this experience and you’re ready to make some real changes then keep reading, here are reasons why you attract the wrong men.
- 1 15 Reasons Why You Attract The Wrong Guys
- 1.1 1. You aren’t being yourself
- 1.2 2. You live in la-la-land
- 1.3 3. You don’t believe you’re worthy
- 1.4 4. The grass is almost never greener on the other side
- 1.5 5. You still have baggage
- 1.6 6. You like the way it hurts
- 1.7 7. You’re needy
- 1.8 8. Looking for love in all the wrong places
- 1.9 9. You may be sending the wrong signals
- 1.10 10. You may have low self-esteem
- 1.11 11. You may be desperate
- 1.12 12. You have parent issues
- 1.13 13. You need approval
- 1.14 14. You like bad boys
- 1.15 15. You may be clinging to the past
- 2 FAQs
- 3 To Summarize
15 Reasons Why You Attract The Wrong Guys
1. You aren’t being yourself
The first and most outstanding reason you are attracting the wrong men is that you’re probably not being transparent about who you truly are. Discovering and understanding yourself fully is key to having a healthy self-esteem.
If you keep pretending to be who you’re not or if you’re confused about who you should be, then you need to take a few months or a year off dating and really get to know and love yourself.
If you’ve found that you're not confident in who you are, try reading some self-help books or attending seminars on how to build your confidence. Whatever you do, do not walk around with dual/multiple personalities. If you do, you’re going to end up attracting men who take advantage of that.
2. You live in la-la-land
Most women make the mistake of remaining in a fantasy world for too long and create an image of a man with all their desired qualities. Immediately they meet a man who shows them any form of attention, they create a fantasy about him with the very limited knowledge they have of him. This is common with women who overthink everything or haven’t come to full terms with reality.
For these types, it's better to leave as little time as possible between their meeting point and the first date. So it gives them less time to build a false foundation. Being trapped in La-la-land could set you up for a very bad ending, once you realize the true nature of the person.
So, try getting to know the person and falling in love with him and not the thoughts you’ve constructed in your head.
3. You don’t believe you’re worthy
Dating with confidence is the only way you won’t project much uncertainty and insecurity. That's why it's very important to know and love yourself before you decide to stop being single. For someone who struggles with this, positive self-talk would go a long way to help you. Feeling insecure about your physical look, your style, or even your job title, is a bad sign.
This shows that you still have much to work on in terms of your self-esteem. Starting a relationship with low self-esteem is setting yourself up for failure. So, don’t believe the lies that you aren’t pretty enough or no one will like you, fight the fear, confidence is attractive. Challenge the lies and negative internal voice, this will help you develop a strong sense of self.
4. The grass is almost never greener on the other side
It's great to have high standards but it's also dangerous to keep looking over your shoulders for a man with better qualities. Be clear about your needs and stick to them. Also, don’t be that horrible person that jumps on tinder immediately after your date gets up to go to the bathroom.
If you’re tired of being single, be patient, and get to know your date well. Let them show you who they truly are. There’s no perfect relationship; so you need to make a balance between your expectations and accepting your partner for who he is.
5. You still have baggage
There’s nothing wrong with admitting that you aren’t ready for a relationship at the moment. Past relationships leave nasty scars sometimes. If you still feel like you aren’t good enough or you begin to feel insecure when a guy doesn’t text back just after a few dates, then you may need to take a little break from dating.
Very few people like to admit they have baggage, but it's nothing to be ashamed of, you aren’t the only one who still thinks of their ex.
However, it’s not advisable to go into a relationship with baggage, especially when you’re trying to build something that will last. While you’re taking your dating time-out, try to make better choices and get help; start seeing a relationship coach or a therapist. This could help you get better faster.
6. You like the way it hurts
Enjoying pain isn’t just a sexual fetish. Some people just enjoy putting themselves in painful and complicated situations. They love either the drama or the torture and often claim that things can get boring when everything is calm.
These types usually like to date men with questionable qualities, who won’t invest as much into the relationship as they do. If you’ve found yourself stuck in this destructive habit, you may need to consciously make some changes.
Start to learn from your past relationships. Anything that hurt you or made you feel like you were worthless. So, avoid them in your future relationships. Also, be aware of the red flags your mind has accumulated from your past relationships and then actually avoid them no matter how tempting it is to give in.
7. You’re needy
You need to be honest with yourself about why you'd like to be in a relationship, is it from a healthy place of generosity or just to meet your many needs? Your desire to date should not come from a place of neediness.
You should be happy and content with yourself by the time you start dating. Learn to enjoy your own company and don’t be dependent on other people for your own happiness or for validation.
The truth is, no one is fully able to meet all your needs or fill up a certain void. So, if you go into a relationship needy, you’d be setting yourself up for failure. Keep your eyes open for qualities like politeness and respect in an equal partner and not an emotional crutch; the important thing is that you're healthy.
8. Looking for love in all the wrong places
You can’t say you’re looking for a man who has good qualities like being responsible, prudent, and financially stable yet you’re constantly hanging out at odd places like casinos, brothels, or strip clubs. You may need to start expanding your horizons. Go to places where you feel responsible men would spend their time.
You could use certain dating apps that are specific to the types of men you prefer. For example, if you know and can’t deny that you’re someone who appreciates high-end living, there are apps like ‘Luxy’ meant specifically for that.
Another important thing is change; you may have to straighten a few rough edges in your attitude, style, and mannerisms in general, they may be the exact reason you keep attracting a certain type.
9. You may be sending the wrong signals
It's very true that men are from Mars and women are from Venus. We’re very different in the way we think and communicate. Each gender is misunderstood by the other gender. You may discover that the wrong men keep coming your way because you’re sending them certain signals without knowing.
Perhaps, there’s something about the way you dress, how you speak to them, and your body language. Maybe you’ve been sounding flirty unknowingly or dressing in a way that attracts these types of men.
10. You may have low self-esteem
As long as you feel less than valuable, you’re going to keep on attracting the wrong men. Having esteem issues will make you think you need to settle for less, tolerating or staying with men who make you feel ugly, overweight, ignorant or useless, is a major sign that you don’t have self-respect.
You need to start some self-love exercises. Speak to a therapist if you need to read self-help books, and spend time with people who build you up. Do not enter into another relationship without handling your self-image.
11. You may be desperate
The fear of being alone could also drive you to date the wrong men. If you noticed that you’ve fallen into the habit of dating just because you’re desperate to be paired up with someone, you’re more likely to end up with the wrong men.
It may be hard watching the people around you enjoy the companionship of their partners, or seeing couple goals on social media. However, it's better to resist the pressure and be patient enough to wait for the right person.
When you’re desperate to be with someone, you’d be tempted to overlook their bad behavior and toxicity. It's also understandable if there’s pressure from family or peers to commit. But settling for the wrong guy will prevent you from letting the right one in.
12. You have parent issues
Lots of people are walking around with one problem or the other because of either abuse or some form of neglect from a parent. If you weren’t shown unconditional love from your parents, this may be the reason you struggle to love yourself or even accept love from others.
Having a hard childhood can be tough, the effects can follow you into your adult life, and even with professional help, they may still linger. If you had no proper care from the adults in your life, don’t beat yourself up, you’re not responsible for that.
However, you can decide not to live with that narrative anymore. It's wise to start seeing a therapist or speak to a life coach as soon as you realize the problem. If you do not handle these childhood traumas soon enough, you will attract manipulative men who are more than willing to use this to their advantage.
When you don’t have a solid image of yourself, anyone can manipulate you. Issues like these could really affect you and they need to be handled as soon as possible.
13. You need approval
Lots of single women feel that once they’re in a relationship, they’d automatically feel secure and validated. Seeking approval through a relationship is not the right reason to be in one. Whether you are single or not, who you are and what you say don’t need outside approval. So, don’t seek approval from anyone.
It's harder for women who grew up without a strong and healthy male figure in their life who possess the qualities of a good father. Without this father figure, it's easier for men to manipulate these women by withholding approval.
By repeating the habit of trying to win their love continuously, you feel more and more worthless. When the destructive feelings show up, try not to feed them, reject anyone who tries to make you earn their respect.
14. You like bad boys
Some women have the habit of dating one bad boy after the other—men who are obviously not good for them at all. Most times, these women don’t even notice these bad attributes. Are you one of these women? Adventurous people usually fall victim to this, since they love to live their lives on the edge and like it when their partner does so too.
The thing about people who love the rush of danger is that they tend to get bored with one person and things easily. So, the relationship is bound to end swiftly and with a bad heartbreak. If you don’t handle this addiction early, you’d keep letting bad boys into your space and enduring more heartbreaks.
15. You may be clinging to the past
This is the case with more women than expected. They tend to hold on too hard to the past that they end up projecting all the hurt from their experiences in their present. You may think that this would help them learn and move on but instead keeps them stuck in that cycle.
This also extends to their romantic relationships. They end up repeating the same mistakes over and over even with the men they date.
You need to stop wasting precious energy and time on men that can’t guarantee you a life filled with all you truly want. To properly do this, you’d need to be clear about what you do not want, know your deal breakers, and things you can tolerate. Most importantly, do not settle!
The most significant part of finding a guy is knowing and understanding yourself, it's very important to know who you are. If you aren't sure of who you are then finding the right guy for you would prove to be difficult. So, discover who you are and learn to love yourself.
It's common for us humans to feel the need to step in and help people who seem broken, women are more prone to this since we’re more nurturing compared to men. This need to fix things can automatically attract broken people to you, it’s best to seek out mentally and emotionally healthy people.
The average adult is able to tell when someone is attracted to them. When a person is attracted to you, they subconsciously engage in lots of eye contact, they may touch an arm or brush up on you. Their voices also change and get flirtier, it's quite easy to tell when someone likes you, their mannerisms tend to change also.
Guys who are emotionally unavailable won’t try to reach you often, he’ll leave you out of key moments in his life and he’ll keep stressing over the fact that he wants to be independent. He won’t let you meet his family and close friends and at some point may even avoid physical contact.
I hope you found this article helpful. Remember, it’s important to deal with any behavioral cycles and dating patterns quickly. Ignoring them and letting them linger may cause more damage in the future. Please let me know what you think about this topic in the comment section below and be sure to share the article.
As hopeless romantic I struggled tremendously in my love life. After many years of searching, trial & error, and countless failed relationships, I finally found my Mr. Right. It wasn't an easy road, but one that has taught me an incredible amount about the workings of relationships between men and women, and this is what I hope to share through my writing on this blog.