Are you stuck in a sexless marriage?
Is it frustrating you? Does he make you feel unappreciated?
More importantly, are you pondering whether it’s time to walk away from your husband and start fresh.
Of course, there are a lot of other more questions that will determine the answer, but this guide is here to help you make the decision.
If you want to know whether your marriage is saveable, read on!
The most important thing you’ll need to figure out is why your sex life has gone down the drain.
If it’s your husband who doesn’t want to do it, let me recommend this online tracker tool to help you figure out what’s going on with him behind the scenes.
This tool can connect with his personal web-connected devices and show you who he’s getting in contact with most, what apps he’s using on his phone, what online services he’s signed up to…and hell of a lot more.
If he’s getting his bedroom action somewhere else, this tool should make it obvious. If he’s received bad news that has put him off sex, this tool should make it obvious.
Better yet, it’s 100% discreet, so he won’t find out that he’s being tracked unless you tell him.
This tool will put you in the best possible position to understand what’s going on in your husband’s head and address your dwindling sex life. It’s in the best interests of your marriage for you to find the truth.
With that said, let’s explore some of the potential reasons why the sex has disappeared from your marriage.
- 1 Will There Be Love Without Sexual Attraction?
- 2 Reasons Married Couples Don’t Have Sex
- 3 What Happens To A Marriage Without Intimacy?
- 4 Is It Acceptable to Cheat In A Sexless Marriage?
- 5 Should You Walk Away From A Little or No Sex Marriage?
- 6 FAQs
- 7 On A Final Note
Will There Be Love Without Sexual Attraction?
No, this is impossible. If there is no “love” why should we marry each other? Therefore, no sex no marriage!
This idea is a fact that everyone knows even before getting married. But there might be a scenario where some people will get married and not have sex at all. This is bound to happen because when couples get married, they usually want to satisfy a wide array of needs which may cause them to even forget they haven’t had sex at all or for a long time.
According to relationship expert Susan Pease Gaduoa, marital needs should be listed in hierarchical order. At the lowest level, we have the Survival Needs, Safety Needs, and lastly the Sexual Desire. The Survival Needs are basic amenities which the couples need to take care of their home. Safety Needs include trust, honesty, etc which all relationships must be built on. Sexual Desire is the last one on the list and it involves the provision of intimacy, companionship, kindness, and lovemaking.
As we can see sexual desire is the last at the lowest level of marital need. This is so because it is only when the survival needs of a relationship are provided, couples can think of making love with one another.
Marriage esteem needs and actualization needs are found at the highest level of the hierarchy for marital needs. These needs are what couples need for their relationship to last long. Marriage esteem and actualization needs include the support and commitment of couples to each other’s goals. Therefore sex shouldn’t be expected in relationships where couples find it hard to provide their needs.
What if your relationship needs are balanced and you with your partner still don’t have sex? If this is the case, let’s take a look at other issues.
Reasons Married Couples Don’t Have Sex
There are a lot of reasons why married couples dont have sex. Reasons range from health factors to lifestyle. Listed below are some of the reasons with a detailed explanation of each.
1. Sexless marriage, a normality
Before pills were discovered in the late 50’s, sexless marriage is a common birth control practice among individuals. The middle class could afford condoms while the working class used withdrawal methods and other birth control methods that were available to control birth.
Reports made by Simon Szretera and Kate Fisher revealed that both the middle and working class combined absolute abstinence and partial abstinence with other birth control methods to control population birth rate between 1930 and 1960.
Even with the invention of pills in the late 50’s, lack of sex was still a threat to every marriage. Presently, the lack of sex in marriage occurs earlier than it used to be. It is a norm to see couples who have been married for over 30 years abstain from sex. This could be because they are no longer sexually attracted to one another or their sexual function has withered.
Meanwhile, sexologist and therapist now report that most consulting couples have exhausted their sex drive within the first 5 years of marriage. Researches are reporting that there is an increase in the number of people who just want to marry each other without bothering about their sexual life.
2. It is the end of relationship
A sexless marriage could be a better way for couples to show they are no longer interested in each other and this will lead to a divorce which marks the end of the relationship. However, there are a lot of things couples can be busy within the marriage other than sex. These things include; children, relatives, household chores, etc.
On the other hand, there are other means by which people compensate themselves when they are in a sexless relationship. The statistics obtained from marriage and relationships experts, revealed that masturbation and watching of ponographies serve as alternatives for men and women who lack sex in their relationships.
A no sex marriage will be accepted when there is no intimacy in the relationship and couples are too busy with other activities that they can’t even think about sex. The issue of little or no sex can then be resolved between couples. But when one party wants sex and the other doesn’t, problem sets in.
Before deciding on when to leave a relationship that lacks sex, try to understand your partner’s reason for refusing to have sex with you. Also ensure that you have a better understanding of how sexless marriage affects psychology.
Sometimes, the issue of no sex in relationships may be due to poor marital relations. When this happens, spending little or no time with your partner or even trying to help them with household chores is not the solution.
Maintaining a relationship is quite a difficult task but destroying it is one of the easiest things that can be done. So many people have the belief that since they struggled to win the heart of their partners before marriage, keeping up with their partner after marriage is an easy task. Well, this is not so. You still need to put more effort if you want the relationship to keep going.
Clinical psychologist, Jordan B. Peterson was invited as a guest on Femsplainer to discuss why most marriages lack sex. During the discussion, he said ‘’ Couples need to spend at least 90 minutes in a week talking to each other. During their conversation, they must address the needs of their home, fix a time to go out together, talk about their sex life, etc.”
With Jordan’s information in the mind of every married couple, the issue of little or no communication in relationships is reduced or eliminated.
Talking about sex is another issue that must be resolved in every marriage because so many couples don’t really understand how important it is to discuss sex. When husband and wife discuss about sex during their conversation, they are able to iron out issues pertaining to their sex life.
For me, the greatest answer to sex in all relationships is healthy communication from couples.
4. Medical problem
Just to remind you, the wellbeing of every individual is very important. When a person’s mental or physical state is not balanced there is bound to be a problem in anything they are trying to do.
Making love is not left of the things which can be affected by medical problems. Relationships with one spouse having medical problems often lead to little or no sex marriage.
It's quite very important to take note of this in order to prevent any issues in your relationships.
What Happens To A Marriage Without Intimacy?
Before we go into detail about the subject matter, let’s take a look at what intimacy means.
Intimacy in relationships denotes mutual love and understanding between couples in the relationship. It also means there is a balanced equation between partners where they are submissive to each other.
Dr. Varma revealed that some marriages lack sex not because intimacy is absent but due to the agreement between couples to abstain from making love with each other. She also said some couples are together right now despite the issues they have in their relationships. Reasons for this could be the benefits both parties get from each other or the feelings that it's better to be together than divorce.
There are lots of reasons why relationships lack physical intimacy, but in this article we will provide you with just 10 reasons:
- Exhausted mental, emotional and physical state of mind.
- In parenting mode not sexual mode.
- Disconnection from your partner.
- Being negative, or mean to each other.
- No physical attraction towards your spouse.
- Inability to resolve personal issues.
- Difference in time of desire.
- Hormonal issues.
- No respect for each other.
- No happiness.
A marriage without sex is just a threat to relationships but intimacy is the indispensable element in all relationships. Hence, no intimacy is very important in all relationships.
Is It Acceptable to Cheat In A Sexless Marriage?
It’s a societal belief that a man should get married to just one woman and vice versa. But in this era where couples rarely make love with each other what could be done?
Should you cheat or not? If you do, is it nice?
Well, most Americans believe that having extramarital affairs is morally wrong and not nice when you cheat in a sexless marriage. Reports gathered from the survey conducted by the National Opinion Research Center in 1980 showed that less than 65% respondents said that cheating in a sexless marriage is ‘’totally wrong”. By 2013, the result of the survey had increased by 27% but the survey was conducted by Gallup’s annual Values and Beliefs. Current research revealed that a marriage in which couples have sex rarely often result in a divorce.
Ok, now you have an understanding of the reasons for sexless marriage and you’ve taken precautions, and how intimacy affects relationships but you are still contemplating whether to leave or not.
Should You Walk Away From A Little or No Sex Marriage?
The fact being said, sex is very important in marriage. While some relationships might be sexless from the beginning, others might have been over time. Sex plays different roles in relationships which range from solving marriage problems to getting back to your spouse. Regardless of what role it plays in relationships, one can choose to stay or leave.
There is no specific answer to whether you should stay or leave. Your sex life and even sex issues are personal so no one can decide for you. But the best decision is all I’m concerned about.
While there is still no enough report showing the amount of years marriages without sex lasts, most don’t lead to divorce. But it's very important to take intimacy as a serious matter in all relationships since it’s the key to everyone. When intimacy is absent, divorce sets in.
Like I’ve said before, the answer to this is personal. Different couples with different sex lives. You make a decision based on how you feel but this decision must be rational because the word ‘’sex’’ does not define or keep marriage; instead, it has a role to play.
According to Psychology Today, the percentage of American marriages without sex is about 15-20%, and just 50% of marriages end in divorce. It's hard to give the actual percentage of marriages that end in divorce due to lack of sex. Though we know that when couples don’t make love regularly, both parties might seem frustrated and this could lead to separation.
This question is just like asking, ‘’ how long relationships last?”. It is a decisive question therefore, no one can choose for you.
The number 1 reason for divorce is infidelity. Besides living apart for more than a year and your spouse's health condition (mental and physical), infidelity is a legal reason for divorce.
On A Final Note
With all that has been said about the subject matter in this article, my advice to everyone is to recognize the problems in their relationships, know the cause of the problem and then try to seek help from experts. Adherence to this advice will help you improve the intimacy in your marriage.
As hopeless romantic I struggled tremendously in my love life. After many years of searching, trial & error, and countless failed relationships, I finally found my Mr. Right. It wasn't an easy road, but one that has taught me an incredible amount about the workings of relationships between men and women, and this is what I hope to share through my writing on this blog.