What is Spectatoring? (How to Stop Doing This to Yourself)

Spectatoring, when having sex, does not involve pornography or videotaping yourself to watch later with your partner. It actually involves being very self-conscious during sex. You may focus so much on your body image and sexual experience that you have performance anxiety; really, spectatoring during sex is a big libido killer. 

It’s not something you want to do when having sex; in your sex life, you want to enjoy the experience rather than having performance anxiety because you are so self-conscious about your performance. You may have body image problems or be unable to focus during sex. 

If you are so worried about your body, you may find it hard to have an orgasm because your sexual desire has gone downhill, and you are no longer feeling arousal—women who experience this need to learn to set their mind free during sex and enjoy the experience. Spectatoring during sex is not what you want to have as part of your sex life.

What is Spectatoring?

As Psychology Today describes it, spectator sex is watching yourself have sexual intercourse, accompanied by a self-conscious, anxious inner dialogue of worrying about one’s body or the way one performs during intercourse. 

For example, you might ask yourself, “Does my lover enjoy intercourse with me?” If you think about that, how can you enjoy yourself?

With spectator sex, the individual is always monitoring him or herself and how their partner is responding to their performance. This sounds like a chore to me! Who would want to be this way? It’s probably not intentional if you do this, but it is something you should stop doing because it can greatly affect how much you enjoy sex and whether you want to do it again.

What is the Result of Spectatoring?

what is the result of spectatoring

Psychology Today explains that research shows women who engage in this behavior are less satisfied, have fewer real orgasms, and have more fake orgasms than women who do not do this. This makes sense, though, because you can’t really relax and have an orgasm if you are worried about how you look and what you are doing. Thus, the result is more fake orgasms.

No one enjoys pretending to have an orgasm just so their lover will feel less inadequate. You may have sexual dysfunction as well as a lack of satisfaction in the bedroom if you are very much into self-criticism and thoughts about your appearance (how you think you look to your partner). Men may experience the same thing; this isn’t reserved for women alone. 

Remember that in bed, you should use your instincts everywhere you go; let your mood, feelings, and sensations guide where your body takes you. If you can do this, you can have sex multiple times and really enjoy yourself in the bedroom. Just let everything go and allow your mind to be silent as you allow your body to take over how much you enjoy yourself.

How Can You Stop Spectatoring?

Psychology Today says that research shows that women who can immerse themselves in the moment – the feelings and sensations they are having during sex – can end this behavior. You need to practice mindfulness; that is the key here. Mindfulness is all about paying attention to the current moment without worry about what the future or past holds or held. 

Mindfulness can decrease anxiety and depression, which makes sense. If you are happy in the present moment, it’s much easier to forget about the bad stuff. You can increase your sexual arousal and desire to have sex if you master the art of mindfulness. Just focus on what is in front of you, not the past or what may happen in the future. 

The Best Ways to Overcome Spectatoring (Top 11 Ways)

1. Practice mindfulness

As mentioned before, one of the best ways to do this is to just think about the current moment. Focus your thoughts on what you are doing, not what you think your partner believes about your body or the way you climax. Place your thoughts on the present and not on what you think will happen in the future (after intercourse).

2. Enjoy yourself

enjoy yourself

The best way to enjoy yourself is to have fun in bed with the person you are with. Get out of your head, and just think about something that makes you feel happy. The more you do that, the greater your chances of having an orgasm are. 

Think about how great your relationship with your partner is and how much you love this person. Think happy thoughts. 

3. Realize everyone does this

Most people are self-conscious about one or more things about themselves. They may not like the way they look or feel like they have poor self-care habits. We all have insecurities, so don’t think you are alone in this. 

4. Relax

Some of the best ways to relax are to do deep breathing exercises, yoga, and meditation. Using meditation can help you stay in the moment and not be so worried about everything.

5. Talk to your partner

You may find it helpful to talk to the person you are having sex with. What insecurities do they have about themselves? What do they think about your sex life? Is there a new sexual method they want to try? Talking it out may silence those voices in your head.

6. Forget about what others think

It may help you to not think about what others think. Instead, focus on what you are doing in the bedroom and enjoy yourself. One thing you should consider is that it doesn’t really matter what others think; it only matters what you think about yourself.

7. Stay positive

Try not to think about the negative things going on in your life; instead, focus on one positive thing that makes you really happy. If you stay positive, you are likely to have better results in the bedroom. 

8. Set your mind free

Have you ever tried to think about nothing? It’s hard, but you can do it if you practice. Also, as you are trying to think about nothing, you are not insecure about yourself. 

9. Have fun

have fun

Sex is supposed to be a joyful, fun experience. Think about what you love about sex; what is one thing that stands out and makes you have a great time? Do more of that, and you’ll love sex that much more. You might as well enjoy yourself if you are going to have sex, right? You certainly won’t have fun if you hate sex!

10. Do it how you enjoy it the most

What really turns you on? What do you enjoy the most about sex? Talk it over with your partner to see what he or she likes the most about sex. See if your ideas merge or if you can perhaps try to please one another more in a way that makes you feel the best. 

11. Seek professional help

Sometimes, meeting with a counselor or therapist can really help. They often have ideas and suggestions that you may have never thought of on your own. Consider talking to someone about your insecurities to help overcome them.


How do I stop thinking during sex?

Try to set your mind free by thinking about nothing; focus on what you are doing without thinking it through too much. Practice mindfulness, the act of living in the present moment, to quit worrying about yourself and the views of others. Self-focus can cause decreased libido.

Does sex affect the female body?

Yes, spectator sex affects the female body because these women are very self-conscious and worry too much about what others think of them. For women, spectator sex can cause a lack of physical sensations and make it difficult to orgasm. Women should not pay such close attention to their performance.

How can I control my mind during sex?

Place your thoughts on what is happening now rather than what you think your partner thinks of you after the fact. Tell your mind that you are going to enjoy this moment and won’t worry about what others think about your body or the way you are performing.

Why do I always think about sex?

You could have a disorder that causes you to focus on sex too much. With the help of a trained therapist, you can learn how to focus your thoughts more on other things. Try to think more about the other things in your life if you want to overcome this.

Why do we do sex?

Most people have sex because they want to feel close to their partner. Some people enjoy experimenting with many partners, while others save themselves for true love. Physically, sex feels great to most people, so it’s natural to want to do it quite frequently.

To Sum Things Up…

Have you experienced spectatoring in your sex life? What do you think about spectatoring? In what way have you overcome this if it has been a problem for you? We’d love to hear from you. Please leave a comment in the section below, and don’t forget to share this post!

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