After a breakup, you can’t help but reminisce about the good times. The hurt slowly heals, and you start to wonder if you should give him a second chance. He calls, tells you he’s changed, and even says that he wants to get back together.
Neither of you is seeing someone else yet. Deep down, you still love him. It makes sense to give him a second chance, but should you take him back?
- 1 Should You Give Someone Another Chance?
- 1.1 1. Did he do the work necessary for real change?
- 1.2 2. Can you heal past the hurt?
- 1.3 3. If he’s pressuring you, that’s a red flag
- 1.4 4. Are you happier without him?
- 1.5 5. Did he change just for you?
- 1.6 6. How many chances has he already had?
- 1.7 7. Is he going to do it again?
- 1.8 8. Will you feel like a failure if it doesn’t work out?
- 1.9 9. Don’t do it for financial benefits
- 1.10 10. You have a future together…
- 1.11 11. Ask friends and family for advice
- 1.12 12. What would you tell your daughter to do?
- 1.13 13. Hurt or annoyed?
- 1.14 14. Character flaws often repeat themselves
- 1.15 15. You both have to want it for it to work
- 1.16 16. Make sure you’re looking at the whole picture
- 1.17 17. Don’t make the decision in the heat of the moment
- 1.18 18. Consider how much you trust him
- 1.19 19. Don’t give up on your values
- 1.20 20. Do you have similar life goals?
- 1.21 21. Was it toxic?
- 1.22 22. Consider whether it can be salvaged
- 1.23 23. Do you have more than love?
- 1.24 24. Are you entertaining a second chance because of your own fears?
- 1.25 25. Watch for destructive behaviors
- 2 FAQs
- 3 Summary
Should You Give Someone Another Chance?
Before you pick up the phone or jump to respond to his texts, it’s important to decide whether giving him one more chance is really in your best interest. There are key things to look for in both yourself and him that can help you decide whether getting back together is a good idea.
1. Did he do the work necessary for real change?
First, he should acknowledge what he did wrong. However, that’s not enough. He needs to look within himself to determine what made him act that way. If deeply rooted problems are not addressed, don’t give him a second chance. Until they are, he’ll keep doing the same thing.
2. Can you heal past the hurt?
If you’re hurt or were, are you ready to give him that second chance? It’s important to address that before you get back together. If not, you’ll continue to be stuck in the past and have a harder time moving forward. This sets the relationship up for failure from the start.
3. If he’s pressuring you, that’s a red flag
If he wants to be in a relationship with you because he is still in love with you, that’s one thing. If he’s pressuring you to hurry up and give him a chance, that’s a red flag. You don’t want to be with someone that pressures you to do things. This is also a sign of a lack of respect.
4. Are you happier without him?
If you’re feeling a lot better since the breakup, one more try isn’t such a great idea. You should do what is in your own best interest, and getting back with someone because it’s what they want is not always what’s good for you. If you feel on top of the world, don’t consider giving him one more chance.
5. Did he change just for you?
If he made significant changes, but only did so to get you back, it’s less likely to last. Instead, he has to change for himself and to better himself. When he doesn’t have the internal motivation to make changes from an internal place, those changes will be fleeting.
6. How many chances has he already had?
Even if there was a different reason for every breakup, giving a man fourteen chances says something. If you’ve already given him so many chances that your friends assume you’ll do it again, it’s time to move on. If it’s genuinely his second chance, it might be worth considering.
7. Is he going to do it again?
Whatever he did, consider how likely he is to do it again. If he cheated, and you have yet to resolve that issue, he’ll probably do it again. Behavioral or mental health issues should be addressed as well. Whether this has happened can tell you how likely it is that you’ll go through the same thing you went through the first time.
8. Will you feel like a failure if it doesn’t work out?
Often, we jump in to give him a second chance because of something to do with ourselves. Are you going to feel like a failure if the relationship doesn’t work out? Scared that you won’t find love again? Consider a few things about yourself so you know that you’re doing it for the right reasons.
9. Don’t do it for financial benefits
If you have a family, and children, you already know that it can be a struggle being a single mom. However, that’s not a good reason to jump back into a relationship. You should get together because of love, not for finances or children. Doing so will only expose them to an unhealthy relationship, which won’t be good for you or them.
10. You have a future together…
If you see a genuine future with one another, maybe you should consider giving him another one if the indiscretion is not unfixable. When two people already have a house, family and have built lives together, it can be a disastrous breakup. In these situations, it can work out if you give it another shot, but make sure that you make it clear you want to change as well. Don’t settle for less than you deserve.
11. Ask friends and family for advice
Your support system will see your relationship differently than you do. This is because they aren’t wearing rose-colored glasses that are blinded by love. You more than likely are. Ask them if he’s as loving as you think he is. Inquire as to what they would do if they were in your situation. Sometimes, their honest insight can be extremely valuable.
12. What would you tell your daughter to do?
It’s easy to make a decision in your own life. Women that don’t value or protect themselves as much as they should not think their partner’s constant yelling is that big of a deal. We’re also more likely to brush off things in our own relationships. This isn’t true with our daughters.
Mothers instantly have the urge to protect their children, but what we don’t realize is that we should be protective over ourselves too. Ask yourself what advice you would give your daughter if she were in the same situation. If you’re not a mother, consider what you would tell your best friend, mother, or family member to do. That’s the advice you should follow.
13. Hurt or annoyed?
Hurt takes longer to heal. It has the potential to crack the foundation your relationship is built on. Look at whether you’re feeling hurt or annoyed. Hurt doesn’t always mean he deserves one more try. This depends on what actions are taken to prevent future problems. Annoyed means he might.
14. Character flaws often repeat themselves
A person’s character is seen in their actions. When they don’t respect you, it’s just that. A lack of respect. Arguing, nagging, and threatening to leave is not going to change him back into a person full of respect. That’s because he probably never was. This is his true character showing. Things that show a person’s character are often not easily fixed, and a second chance will land you right back in the same scenario if given enough time.
15. You both have to want it for it to work
One of the main problems is that you’re thinking about taking him back. It implies that he wants it more than you. He’s still in love with you. In order for second chances in relationships to work, both people have to want it as much as the other one. If he’s the only one pushing for the relationship to work out, that’s a sign that you might not be as invested as he is.
16. Make sure you’re looking at the whole picture
Relationship second chances can work, but it’s important to consider the whole picture when making this decision. When you love someone, it’s easy to ignore their flaws. This makes you only focus on the positive aspects of them. Women that are hurt or angry tend to focus on the negative aspects of their partner.
Take a deep breath, and consider both the good and bad things. One way to do this is to make a pros and cons list. Then, carefully review that list. The good things should far outweigh the bad.
17. Don’t make the decision in the heat of the moment
We tend to make quick decisions in the heat of the moment. Don’t say whether you will, or won’t, give him another chance if you’re in a heightened emotional state. This will lead to a disastrous level of unhappiness.
18. Consider how much you trust him
Trust is the very foundation that long term relationships are built on. We earn trust with one another. Trust that is broken needs to be re-earned.
Do not make the mistake of thinking that love equals trust. It does not. While love is important, it’s not everything. Instead, have a heart to heart with your partner. Discuss ways that it can be re-built. While having this conversation, consider whether he’s willing to make the changes and take the actions that are necessary.
19. Don’t give up on your values
If having different values was a major source of conflict, it can be best to head your separate ways. Don’t compromise your own values to appease them, and they should not do this either.
20. Do you have similar life goals?
Life goals can impact a relationship in the same way that values do. If you were headed in different directions, this could be a sign that it’s simply time for you to both go on your own paths. Consider everything about the relationship when deciding if you would like to continue it, or not.
21. Was it toxic?
Take a good, hard look at the relationship. A toxic relationship never deserves a second chance. Instead, run fast in the other direction. It’s common for toxic people to say that their behaviors are because they love you, and for the other person to believe it. This is because toxic people make everything sound good. Take a step away from them to get a clear view of your relationship. If it was toxic, don’t listen to them, and don’t give an extra chance.
22. Consider whether it can be salvaged
Communication, being able to discuss feelings, trust, sex life and other factors of the relationship can be an excellent indicator as to whether the relationship can be fixed. If it cannot, don’t do it.
23. Do you have more than love?
When songs claim that all you need is love, they are very misleading. Love is not enough to make a relationship work. You need trust, shared values, similar life goals, faithfulness, honesty and so much more! Guarantee that you have what you need, aside from love, before diving in headfirst.
24. Are you entertaining a second chance because of your own fears?
When we reach a certain age, we begin to fear being alone. We don’t want to die alone. If we feel that no one else will love us again, it can lead to us being in an unhealthy relationship to avoid being alone. Address your own fears to guarantee that you’re making the decision for the right reasons.
25. Watch for destructive behaviors
When every conversation regarding conflict spirals out of control, walk away. Watch out for other destructive behaviors too. These are all signs that the relationship was not healthy, to begin with.
Sometimes. Look at your current situation, your past, and decide if you have a future together. Consider whether you both want to give it a try, and make sure that he takes the steps necessary to implement positive changes in himself.
Don’t consider this with toxic people, or toxic relationships. Character flaws that you cannot deal with are another deal-breaker. Abusive relationships should never be given a second try. Short-lived relationships are unlikely to work out the second time around, too.
If they lied for good reason and are willing to change, yes. Perhaps they have become accustomed to people getting angry for a certain thing and wanted to avoid conflict. You guys can work through this one! If he’s a habitual liar, no.
Only if it is the first time, they are genuinely apologetic, and you as a couple are able to work through the issues that led to the infidelity. If any of those three things are not true or do not happen, don’t waste your time.
Sometimes. The key to figuring out whether it will work is to determine whether the steps are taken to make positive changes and whether you can move past the indiscretion. Healthy communication, addressing problems, admitting fault, and moving forward are all vital.
I’ve only given one man a second chance before. Have you ever had to make the tough call? How did you decide whether you should or not?
As hopeless romantic I struggled tremendously in my love life. After many years of searching, trial & error, and countless failed relationships, I finally found my Mr. Right. It wasn't an easy road, but one that has taught me an incredible amount about the workings of relationships between men and women, and this is what I hope to share through my writing on this blog.