Are you and the one you love fighting a lot? Does it seem like anything and everything lately has been causing a fight? Are you on the verge of changing your status to “complicated?”
And does it feel like all of the romantic scenarios you get into are badly scripted episodes from a soap opera? It may be that you’re carrying the same mistakes you’ve made from your past relationships into your new ones.
- 1 So Where Is It All Going Wrong?
- 1.1 1. Your expectations are too high
- 1.2 2. Are you demanding enough from your partner?
- 1.3 3. Taking each other for granted
- 1.4 4. Someone check the toxicity level, please!
- 1.5 5. Not being honest about your true feelings
- 1.6 6. Communication, communication, communication!
- 1.7 7. Honesty is the only policy
- 1.8 8. Too much or too little self-sacrifice
- 1.9 9. Not enough intimacy
- 1.10 10. You either trust each other – or you don’t
- 1.11 11. Carrying the past into the present
- 1.12 12. Are things moving too fast?
- 1.13 13. Do not fight to ‘win’ arguments
- 1.14 14. Waiting for a commitment?
- 1.15 15. You are not a handyman
- 1.16 16. Too much technology!
- 1.17 17. Have you forgotten the little things?
- 1.18 18. Break the routine
- 1.19 19. Not enough ‘you’ time
- 1.20 20. Disrespecting boundaries
- 1.21 21. Do not complain about your partner to friends and family
- 2 FAQs
- 3 In Conclusion
So Where Is It All Going Wrong?
Times were simpler days way back – but dating culture has changed since then and not a lot of us had a healthy example of what a relationship should be like.
What hasn’t changed, however, are the fundamentals of a successful healthy relationship. From beginning to end honesty, loyalty, open communication, love, trust, and respect are vital components of a long-lasting, happy relationship. But common relationship mistakes can destroy these components.
Oftentimes it’s simple misunderstandings and human error. But how do you know if you’re making the same mistake over and over if someone doesn’t explain it? That’s where this article comes in. Keep reading to get to the bottom of what may be going wrong with your relationship – and how to fix these issues!
1. Your expectations are too high
So let’s be honest about something many of us are really guilty of: We make a long impossible checklist of qualities we expect our lover to be. A support system, a lover, a friend, a financial strut, a shoulder to cry on… the list can go on and on.
We are all only human, and we have our limits. And so do our partners. And while your lover should be the focal point of most of your emotional, physical, and mental needs, you can’t expect them to be perfect.
Be realistic about what you are capable of handling for your partner, and take the time to consider their limitations on what they can do for you. We all have our own separate lives from each other, even if we are in long-term relationships.
They have families and lives of their own, and we can’t expect them to take the entire burden of our every whim and need – nor can we expect ourselves to be able to do that for them either.
2. Are you demanding enough from your partner?
On the flip side of the coin, some of us are extremely guilty of not having high enough expectations. Some people will take, and take and take, and forget to give back. Some people just don’t give back on purpose unless it’s demanded of them.
If your partner is not being ‘enough’ for your needs, it’s time to have a serious conversation with them about it and raise the bar for yourself.
A good partner should be extremely receptive to a calm, honest conversation about your needs. If they are lacking somewhere they need to know about it so the problem can be fixed. Take the time to have this conversation with them, and don’t forget to ask them if there is anything more you can be doing to support them too.
3. Taking each other for granted
After a while of being together, it’s easy to forget how life was before they were there. Their presence, the little things they do for you, and the simple little joys they bring into your life can be overlooked. This leads to an assortment of other problems that can develop, including resentment, feeling neglected, and unappreciated.
They say absence makes the heart grow fonder, and it’s absolutely true. If you and your love have started taking each other for granted, sometimes a few days or a week apart can help put things into perspective.
You can also bring it to your partner’s attention that you’re feeling this way. Take the time to think about how you may also be taking the person you love for granted and make an effort to correct this.
4. Someone check the toxicity level, please!
Sometimes a relationship is toxic. And it’s not always easy to determine a toxic relationship until it’s too late. It’s important to know the signs of a toxic relationship. And if there are no alternatives, sometimes it’s best to know when to cut your losses and get out.
I wish that I could say all problems can be fixed, but that simply isn't the case. If there is no fixing a relationship, then the best thing you can do for each other is to let each other go. Not just for your sake or theirs, but for the sake of everyone who loves and cares about you.
5. Not being honest about your true feelings
There is nothing worse than keeping a problem you have to yourself and letting it fester. Relationships don’t work unless there is honesty, trust, and communication. And if you can’t be honest with how you’re truly feeling – then you don't have any of these things.
Not only does your silence keep your partner from knowing that there is anything wrong, but eventually you may even come to have animosities and resentments.
Not speaking up to avoid an argument can cause more turbulence and doubt. Both parties' feelings matter, and you can’t fix any matter without the ability, to be honest. So always say what you mean, and mean what you say.
6. Communication, communication, communication!
I can’t express enough how important communication is if couples expect to last. While boundaries are good, there shouldn’t be an issue in being able to talk to each other about anything.
If you are unable to have an open and honest conversation with your partner, or even just be able to talk with each other and get to know each other then there is something fundamentally wrong with that relationship.
Take the time to figure out why you can’t comfortably talk to your partner, and start with that – because you shouldn’t be afraid to go to them about anything.
7. Honesty is the only policy
A secret or a lie – even a little white lie – can destroy trust and bring doubt. And trust is so much easier to break than it is to earn back once it has been broken. Honesty, even if it may cause an argument, is much better than a fib to avoid the confrontation.
We have all had at least one person break our trust before, so take into account the way you feel or handle major or little dishonesties. Don’t be silent about your actual feelings, and if you’re incapable of being honest or your partner can’t be honest, then it’s time to really re-evaluate the relationship.
8. Too much or too little self-sacrifice
A relationship is a two-way street. One partner cannot give, and give, and give, and the other one takes, and take and take. When this happens, the giver will get emotionally tired, and frustrated, and will begin to feel used or taken for granted.
No matter what comes in life, and no matter how hard life may get, there are ways to give to each other, support each other, and stand through many challenges – both giving to and taking from each other equally.
9. Not enough intimacy
Sex, kisses, and cuddling. These things are important to most relationships. And sometimes when couples have been together for a while, these things get kind of swept to the side. And most of the time, both partners are frustrated with it but they feel like they can’t mention it.
Find ways to spice things up a bit for each other. Try new things together, go on a romantic getaway, and buy new lingerie and toys. The spark you and your partner once had is still there, but it’s time to make it interesting and go outside of your comfort zone. If you two love each other, then it will be an exciting change for both of you.
10. You either trust each other – or you don’t
Distrust can destroy a relationship. If a couple can’t trust each other then once again there is something wrong. If you can’t resist the urge to go through your partner’s phone, social media, or things then that means you can’t trust them.
Not only can not having trust in your partner create animosities but acting on your distrust can cause you to disrespect your partner's privacy. If there is a sense of not being able to trust your partner, then you need to get to the bottom of why. Is it a problem from the past? Have they given you a reason to feel the way you do? Talk with your partner. Figure it out together.
11. Carrying the past into the present
We all have baggage. Everyone has a past, and unfortunately, a lot of people have been hurt. But the worst possible thing you can do is project someone else’s mistakes onto the person you love. Take the time to heal if you are fresh out of a breakup, If you are having a hard time getting over the past, then seek help.
Being unable to let go or move on from the past can cause havoc in your relationships and daily life in many ways. Couples can be ripped apart by past baggage. And while it’s easier said than done, leave the past in the past, and try not to compare your current partner to an old one.
12. Are things moving too fast?
A relationship that starts out on the bullet train may feel a whirlwind, adventurous, and spontaneous, but what happens when the whirlwind is over? A lot of young people nowadays when they jump into a relationship get way too serious too fast.
However, these crazy fast relationships are usually based on the wrong concepts of what a relationship should be, whether it be lust or the naive misconceptions of what love is.
When a couple doesn’t take their time to truly get to know each other before getting super serious, it can lead to a catastrophic trainwreck or a breakup. The first few weeks are great, but you can’t move in with someone and decide to get married a month after beginning to date.
The urgency for fast-evolving relationships is an outdated notion. Back when people would die at the age of 30 because medicine was still based around stars and torture practices, and everyone was literally raised to be the same – sure.
But in today’s world, you have time to explore each other’s personalities, get to know each other's life ambitions, and figure out whether or not you can stand the way the other person chews their food before jumping the gun and tying any knots.
13. Do not fight to ‘win’ arguments
When it comes to disagreements, even the most patient of us forget that we aren’t fighting to win during a disagreement. A huge mistake during a fight is treating disagreements like you’re fighting for a gold medal. There is ‘winning’ in an argument for couples – because at the end of the day during a ‘fight’ everyone loses.
Instead try to remember that disagreements or fights don’t have to be full of yelling, or disrespect. And generally, disagreements can be met with compromise, or maybe you two still disagree – but you can still explain your viewpoint with respect – and so can your partner.
It’s not always about being right – and that’s a concept that every single person on the planet forgets when they are upset or disagree with someone they love. Sometimes it’s as simple as acknowledging your partner's feelings so that they feel validated, or finding a solution that both of you can live with.
Try to remember to look at things from outside of your own perspective, and remember that even if you ‘win’ the conflict you’re fighting so hard for, you’re losing respect and trust from your partner if you come at an argument like an attack dog.
14. Waiting for a commitment?
So taking things slow can be great for a relationship. However, if you have been waiting for a long time – like over a year for a person to ‘make up their mind,’ then it’s time to move on. It’s not really that hard.
Starting out as just friends can be great but if someone is demanding that you act as their partner, gets jealous like a partner, but refuses to give you the same level of commitment they demand from you then they are just not on the same page.
A form of manipulation or toxic control that some people use to ‘have their cake and eat it too,’ is to keep the other person dangling on a string. If you are still ‘working toward a relationship’ after 6 months or so, it may be time to consider the other person may be using and manipulating you.
You cannot make someone love you, and if someone is telling you that you need to ‘work harder’ constantly to ‘be someone they could be happy with’ then that person is not worth holding onto. After so long of being ‘friends’ with someone (especially if they are having sex and spending prolonged periods of time with you), then it’s simple: You are either together, or you’re not.
15. You are not a handyman
Wanna know a secret? This is my personal biggest shortcoming when it comes to relationship mistakes. So take it from me when I say that you are not obligated to heal or fix, nor should you ever feel obligated to heal or fix, and you should probably avoid dating anyone who needs to be ‘fixed.’
Believe me, if the biggest revolution about your relationship orbit is that you have to ‘fix’ them, whether it be their depression, anxiety, past trauma, drug addiction, or whatever – then that is not a healthy relationship and more than likely it’s not going to work.
Codependency is something that I personally suffer from, I like to think I need to feel needed. However, if you are like me, then you’ve probably noticed a pattern of toxic relationships in your life, and you’ve probably been hurt and used by others.
And while it’s never bad to have a big heart and want to help someone, it’s generally not a good idea to fall in love with someone who is in the middle of a life crisis.
A person worthy of your love and endless stream of support is going to be actively trying to fix themselves, and you will not be their crutch. They will not depend on you to catch them on every downfall or blame you for their faults. They will take responsibility for their own actions, and by making a visible effort to better themselves.
Just remember my fellow big-hearted people fixers, it’s okay to help and support – but you can’t fix someone who isn’t ready to help themselves first!
16. Too much technology!
Put. The. Phone. Down. I cannot express enough how society has turned everyone into techno-zombies.
Whether it be video games, phone apps, social media, computers, or too much television, sometimes you need to put away all electronic devices and just spend time together – without having Facebook or Instagram right at your fingertips watching your every moment via mobile upload.
The way technology has evolved, it’s true that it’s a part of our everyday lives, for about 60% of our day. But it’s important to come back to reality, and away from the cloud so that you can take in each other’s physical presence rather than just the electronic ones.
17. Have you forgotten the little things?
As I have gotten older, I have come to realize that it’s not the biggest things in life that make me the happiest – but rather the small things. And when we get into a comfort zone with our partner, the little things slowly dissipate into a normal routine.
After a while, it doesn’t seem as important to stop and grab your partner with even just a single rose from the gas station counter on your way home or get up extra early to make them a nice breakfast and coffee before they go to work. Or even just the random joining in the shower.
If you have been with your significant other for a while, the little special things that make you feel loved and appreciated have probably been forgotten. Have a conversation about it, or better yet just start doing them again.
18. Break the routine
I know I keep saying this, but the routine is a subtle relationship killer. Things get into a nice easy pattern, people get comfortable, little things get forgotten, then complacency starts to sink in, then intimacy goes out the window… I could go on and on.
It’s important to break the routine. Instead of Monday night meatloaf, spontaneously go out. Break out a board game. Get dressed in sexy lingerie after cooking dinner before they come home and greet them at the door. Do something that breaks the norm and puts the spice back into life.
Remember that life together is an adventure – but you are the ones that have to bring the adventure to yourselves.
19. Not enough ‘you’ time
So, in the beginning, it’s normal to want to spend all the time you can together. But as time wears on, being together all the time eventually becomes an expected habit. And then something gets pushed on the back burner: Quality time without your partner.
If there is anything 2020 taught a lot of us – too much time together can cause damage. Eventually, you’ll run out of things to talk about, you don’t have time to develop trust, and things get stale.
If you and your partner do not have time apart it’s time to break the routine. It’s important to have things to do together, but it’s also important to take the time to nurture things you’re passionate about too. It doesn’t have to always involve your partner. Take some time to pamper yourself, get some distance – and you will find you have more to talk about over dinner.
20. Disrespecting boundaries
If you and your partner have a habit of disrespecting each other’s boundaries then there’s something epically wrong. Going through phones, drawers, and messages – while certainly okay if you two are at that level where you can carry each other’s phones comfortably is not okay if done in a snooping manner.
Not to mention if you can't respect each other's boundaries verbally during confrontations is another major red flag. Telling your family or best friend your partner's business is another major violation of trust and respect. If any of these are an issue then it’s time to have a heavy heart to heart and get to the root of the issue.
21. Do not complain about your partner to friends and family
And the best for the last mistake is very common in relationship mistakes: Do NOT tell your mother, brother, sister, father, best friend, social media, neighbor, or ANYONE about your complaints about your partner if they are trivial, fixable, or misunderstandings.
Here’s the thing. If all your loved ones and friends hear is bad about your significant other – you’re not going to be able to expect them to respect or approve of your relationship, and you can expect them to dislike your partner.
You can expect to cause yourself more drama and a rift between you and your family or your partner if you do nothing about it but complain about your partner and the fights you have.
There is a rule of business and management that I take with me into my personal life: Publicly praise, privately condemn. If you do tell someone about a drama in your relationship, make sure the issue is already resolved or you’re talking to someone unbiased.
It makes life really hard when your friends and family don’t like your partner – and if all you’ve done is tell them how terrible they are that’s all you can expect for the remainder of your relationship with them.
Oftentimes couples make the most mistakes when it comes to a lack of communication and understanding of each other. The most common are based on treating arguments like competitions they have to win, and not taking each other’s feelings into account.
Some common relationship mistakes that people often make are complaining to their friends and family about their problems with their lover, not respecting each other’s boundaries, and expecting too much from each other without enough communication.
Fixing relationship mistakes can take time, especially if feelings of resentment have built up. However, it’s never too late to try. Fixing a relationship starts with getting to the core of the problem. Is it communication? Do you have too high of expectations for your boyfriend or girlfriend? Do you handle your fights like it’s all about the challenge of ‘winning?’
If you take time to listen to your partner, really think about their feelings, and try and find healthier ways of communicating with respect even during disagreements, most of the problems will be fixed.
Every couple is going to fight. Arguments happen in every relationship. However, they shouldn't happen every day nor should they happen over everything. Sometimes it can seem like you and your partner can fight over something so simple as a drop of spilled water. And that’s when you need to step back and really evaluate your situation.
If you and your partner are fighting every day, and have resentment or contempt for each other, you may be in a failing relationship. If something happened to break the trust between you two, sometimes it can’t be mended either. If disagreements can no longer be handled with respect and without resentment and anger – it may be time to move on so these wounds can heal.
We are human, so mistakes are a daily thing in our lives. Being in a healthy, happy adult relationship is not about not making relationship mistakes, but it’s about making them and growing together as a result.
Couples that learn and grow together from common relationship mistakes can make love last a lifetime. Being open and honest about your feelings, and finding a way of communication that works between the two of you is vital, and remembering that when your partner does happen to mess up – they are human and everyone is going to make a mistake – or a hundred – in their life.
Among some of the top things, you should never do when you are trying to build a relationship, dishonesty, disrespect, and disregard are the top three relationship murdering actions. Always respect your partner, be honest about your feelings and actions, and pay attention to the details of what makes them hurt or happy.
It’s important to remember, however, that you’re never going to be perfect all the time – and if you do happen to do something you shouldn’t have – it’s all about growth, acceptance, patience, teamwork, forgiveness, and being able to move beyond the mistakes together as a team.
We never stop learning, growing, and changing as people, so why not use our life lessons as a reason to better ourselves – not only for our partners, friends, and families – but for ourselves too.
I hope this article helped you find some clarity on what issues you and your partner are having – and how you can fix them. Remember that relationships are more like a career than a fairytale – you will always have to work at them.
And sometimes, if the bad heavily outweighs the good in any of your relationships with the people around you, it may be time to end it – before it turns out all in all toxic.
Thanks for reading everyone. Remember to share this article with your friends, and tell us what you think in the comments!
As hopeless romantic I struggled tremendously in my love life. After many years of searching, trial & error, and countless failed relationships, I finally found my Mr. Right. It wasn't an easy road, but one that has taught me an incredible amount about the workings of relationships between men and women, and this is what I hope to share through my writing on this blog.