You can be in a relationship with the perfect person and still have your fears. That’s because relationships come with a certain level of vulnerability.
These fears stem from various factors like childhood experiences, adult life experiences, past relationship experiences, fear of abandonment, self-esteem issues and so many others.
Couples have varying experiences, but the truth is that nobody wants to get hurt. Love comes many times with fears or anxiety even though it can be the most beautiful feeling ever. You can be with someone that loves you, respects, and adores you, and still doubt their intentions towards you even if they have not given you a reason to.
No doubt, relationships are hard work and there is no set rule on how to go about them. What works for one person might not work for you, it’s better to go into relationships with an open mind and hope that nothing goes wrong. Certainly, everyone has their fears in relationships, and here are 19 of the most common ones.
- 1 19 Common Relationship Fears
- 1.1 1. “I am sure I am going to get hurt.”
- 1.2 2. “He/She will take me for granted.”
- 1.3 3. “He/She will no longer love me.”
- 1.4 4. “He/she will get tired of me.”
- 1.5 5. “I know I am a handful.”
- 1.6 6. “He/she will not find me attractive after a long time.”
- 1.7 7. “I am a failure.”
- 1.8 8. “His/Her family might not like me.”
- 1.9 9. Fear of doing too much
- 1.10 10. Fear of being too needy
- 1.11 11. Fear of dependency
- 1.12 12. Fear of missing out
- 1.13 13. Fear of losing yourself
- 1.14 14. Fear of the unknown
- 1.15 15. Fear of starting over
- 1.16 16. “We are not compatible.”
- 1.17 17. “I don’t matter to my partner.”
- 1.18 18. “What if they change?”
- 1.19 19. Fear of falling apart
- 2 FAQs
- 3 To Summarize
19 Common Relationship Fears
1. “I am sure I am going to get hurt.”
I would like to let you know that you are not crazy for thinking this way. You are also not the only one that thinks this way, so many other people do and it’s okay. Nothing is guaranteed and anyone can disappoint you. However, this becomes detrimental if you think of this excessively instead of enjoying the relationship and your partner while it lasts.
Past relationships and childhood experiences have a way of shaping our beliefs and outlook towards everything, relationships included. To fully enjoy your present relationship, you have to let go of this fear especially if your partner has not given you any reason to feel this way, trust them. It’s just better that way, to reduce your anxiety and for the sake of the longevity of the relationship.
2. “He/She will take me for granted.”
This is understandable, you take people that are readily available for granted, and this applies to all forms of relationships that are romantic and friendship. When someone is always there for you, you tend to not want to impress them or do the extra work to keep them because you are certain that no matter what happens, they will always be available.
Many people are afraid in their relationships not because their partners might lose interest, but because they still want their partners to treat them with the same energy as when they just met. They want to be pampered just like the first day they met, and so when their partner changes may be due to stress from work, they begin to panic and anxiety might set in.
3. “He/She will no longer love me.”
I have been dumped a few times by the men I thought I would share my forever with. When my present relationship lasted beyond two years, I began to ask my man if he was in the relationship with me out of pity. Sad right? I know. I had problems with my self-esteem and believing that I was worthy of a love that transcends a certain time frame.
During this process, I had to unlearn a lot of things and tell myself that people's choices are based on their internal struggle and it has less to do with me. This is more common among people that have not had good luck with love in the past or people that struggle with self-esteem.
So if you are like me, I’m here to let you know that you are worth it and you are deserving of a healthy, delicate lifetime of love.
4. “He/she will get tired of me.”
How do you know this and do you read minds now? I can guarantee you that these thoughts are all in your head. So when your partner stares at you randomly, do not assume that this is what they are thinking of, for all you know they might just be admiring you and counting themselves lucky to have you.
If they have not given you a reason to believe so, or doubt them then where then is this fear from? And even if they have, do you not think it is healthier to walk away from the relationship rather than live in anxiety? Relationships are not the only way to find happiness and you deserve to be loved only in a healthy and wealthy environment.
5. “I know I am a handful.”
They probably know this, and that is why they have big hands. I mean they probably figured this out on the second date and they still went ahead to go into the relationship with you. It means if you are a handful, they can manage it. Look at it this way; if they couldn’t manage it, you won’t be here in a relationship with them. So let the fears go.
The great thing about fears and feelings is that although life has a way of messing with these emotions, we have the power to take charge of the extent to which they control us. I am not advising that you neglect your feelings or ignore your sixth sense, all I am saying is that ensure you are not consumed with fear of things or assumptions that are not even real.
6. “He/she will not find me attractive after a long time.”
I think to be in a relationship with a person, you have to be attracted to them because attraction be it physical, mental, emotional is important. Your partner is with you because of so many reasons of which attractiveness is a major part.
So, if they are attracted to you right then and now of all the other people in the world, why then are you bothered about a long time or a future you are not even sure of yourself.
This particular fear starts slow and walks its way up the ladder to eat deep into your emotions leaving you insecure in your relationship. All it does is make you fixate on things that are not even there, things that no one notices. And if you are not careful, it might mark the beginning of the end of the relationship.
7. “I am a failure.”
These thoughts can be crippling, especially if you work in the same field as your partner or you have mutual work in your field. You consider yourself a failure because you don’t think you are as smart or successful as your peers or your partner.
You begin to minimize and underrate your achievements and accomplishments and you become an insecure partner known for constantly minimizing their potential.
The first step to getting rid of this fear as it can tilt you into depression is to be your biggest cheerleader. Write down confessions and things that you love about yourself in a journal and say it to yourself every morning and believe it because the truth is that you are not a failure.
Imposter syndrome has a way of messing with you, so when you find yourself asking “who? Me”, reply with a resounding “Yes, you!” You did that!
8. “His/Her family might not like me.”
You have not even met his family yet, so why are we thinking of this or jumping to conclusions ahead of time. So, this fear is about a feeling you are not even sure of. A feeling that is under probability. The truth is you are an amazing person, you caught the attention of your partner, you are in a relationship with them so enjoy it while it lasts and stops with the worrying.
Save the anxiety for when you have real issues. Also, when you get to the family bridge, you will cross it. Because, at the end of the day, no family wants their child or member unhappy. So if you make your partner happy, this is not something you should be afraid of.
9. Fear of doing too much
Due to experiences from the past, you are afraid that you might do too much to scare your partner away. You might have been told in the past that you are a lot to deal with. Do not allow your past to sabotage your present, give it your all. You can never do too much for a person you are in love with except of course the gestures are not reciprocated.
So don’t be scared of the grand gestures, if you desire to be adored loudly, then love your partner loudly too, you are not doing too much. There is no such thing when you are in a healthy and well-reciprocated relationship. So let go, be vulnerable, look for ways to show your partner you care.
10. Fear of being too needy
You are not being too needy if you request attention from your partner. You are entitled to their time. It is what happens in a healthy relationship. It is expected, you are allowed to be needy especially if your love language is quality time. Do not deny yourself the opportunity to be loved in the language you understand.
The most beautiful thing about love is that it is vulnerable. It allows for you to feel every emotion and sometimes overthink these emotions. And if you are in a relationship with anyone that makes you feel like you are too needy, it is best to leave so as not to be miserable. Remember, one person's “that's enough” is another person's “is that all?”
11. Fear of dependency
One of the fears of staying in a committed relationship for a long time is that you become so dependent on your partner. You do this for so long that you lose your sense of independence. So here you are 2 months into your relationship and you are worrying about something that is irrelevant to your situation. And even if you’ve been in one for a long time, love is codependent.
As humans, we tend to depend on one another for emotional, financial, physical support. Life was not meant to be lived alone, you need your person to always have your back, so relax, depend on them and enjoy being taken care of for a change. You won’t automatically forget how to fend for yourself simply because you let someone else take care of you.
12. Fear of missing out
I can assure you that there is nothing new happening in the world of a single woman or man. We both know you stayed in that world for a long time and as glamorous as it is painted out to be, it gets lonely there a lot of the time. You are not missing out on anything or any phase of life you think you should be experiencing except if you think you are better off single, then go for it.
No healthy relationship should make you feel like there is more in the outside world for you because honestly, is there? You need to sit down and ask yourself “from this to what exactly?”. If you are in the right relationship, every day feels like an adventure. So there is no reason to be afraid of something that is not even there to start with. Trust that you are at the right place.
13. Fear of losing yourself
Falling in love with someone and remaining in a committed relationship with them is one of the most beautiful things in this crazy world. Although love is beautiful, it comes with its fears, especially the fear of losing who you are or your personality while going through life closely with someone you love.
As humans, we pick up character traits from people we love, we act like them unconsciously and imitate them in little ways we don’t even notice till somebody points it out. Having a long-term plan is important. It is the first step to not being a secondary character in your own story. You can always check your progress to see if you are moving forward or not.
14. Fear of the unknown
You are afraid, so you sabotage your relationship simply because you cannot predict what the future holds and you cannot also read your partner’s mind to know if their intentions concerning you have changed or not. This is understandable as nobody knows what the future holds. But isn’t life itself a pot full of uncertainties?
Why let go of something so beautiful at the moment simply because of a future you are not even certain you or the other person will make it into. Why ruin the chance of your future with someone today because you are worried about a future that is not guaranteed. Enjoy the present, trust, and revel in it, because sometimes you don’t get a redo in life.
15. Fear of starting over
You remain in that toxic situation simply because you have no interest in starting over with someone new as you have invested so much time and emotions into your present relationship. You just remain in it, hoping that you get them back into acting nice towards you and you hang on to the 25% of the healthy part of your relationship.
Excuse yourself from the marriage or relationship, all it does is hurt your feelings, it no longer serves you. Take charge of your life because you deserve all things good and healthy. Nobody has died from starting over, and neither will you, so take that step today, trust the process, choose yourself and your peace of mind.
16. “We are not compatible.”
Relationship fear will have you thinking you are not compatible with your partner even when your feelings are still the same and they have done nothing to make you think that way. You just begin to overthink insignificant details like how he loves Irish potatoes and how you prefer sweet potatoes and this becomes your sign of incompatibility.
You begin to sabotage the relationship purposely simply because of a feeling that is just in your head. You push them away when you are in discomfort and reject any help they might have to offer. You begin to pick arguments with them over irrelevant issues. If this is you, take charge now and convince yourself that you deserve to be loved.
17. “I don’t matter to my partner.”
You begin to ask yourself a series of questions like “will he/she still be with me if I had nothing to offer?” “Can I count on him/her to help out in my time of need?” “I could leave him/her for an entire year and he/she would not notice that I’m unavailable” you don’t know for sure what they will do if put in the situation so why not give them the benefit of the doubt?
I understand that this particular fear speaks to feeling a strong connection, an intense bond with your partner. So, instead of worrying about it and putting your relationship into possible jeopardy, why not talk about it and look for ways, activities, and even professionals to help strengthen the bond and the connection you crave.
18. “What if they change?”
What if they don’t? Have you entertained that thought? Relationship fear or anxiety might arise from uncertainties like what if they become another person entirely as they grow or as they make more money. Or, what if certain experiences change their views, the same views you fell in love with.
There is a high probability that this might not even happen. And if it does, instead of just worrying or staying anxious, talk to your partner about their change in attitude, they will be happy to readjust it for you, for themselves, and for the sake of the relationship. Fear or anxiety never sorts anything out, so why allow it? Simply let go of these thoughts.
19. Fear of falling apart
I was talking to a colleague who told me that she was in a relationship for two years constantly scared of falling apart because she loved her man so much. They broke up not because her fears came to pass but because her fear pulled them apart.
She said she was so scared to go back to who she was before the relationship because she no longer recognized who that person is.
Relationships take work, worrying about falling apart won’t solve falling apart, work will. So quit worrying and look for ways to put in the work. Avoidance won’t take you anywhere, you have to do the work. So keep your own life outside the relationship, support your partner and grow together with them.
My biggest fear in a relationship is becoming a secondary character in my own life. Relationships can be so intense and I want to be the only one in charge of my life, I am afraid of losing myself to a relationship, and ending up being miserable and unfulfilled.
I think the best way to overcome one’s fear of relationships is to go into a healthy situation and let go of all abandonment from the past. Trust your partner, give him/her the benefit of the doubt, Just try it out, you deserve healthy and wealthy relationships from this already hard existence, don’t let self-doubt and fear take something else you deserve.
Yes, it is normal to have fears in a relationship and no you don’t have a problem with feeling this way. Relationship comes with feelings, and feelings come with fear. Relationship anxiety is normal and many times, it is not a result of events occurring in the relationship but it can lead to issues in the relationship.
Trauma from abandonment in past relationships and fears from childhood experiences do not help either.
Men's biggest fears are being a failure, being seen as incompetent, and being weak. Men love to play the messiah, they are afraid of being perceived as weak or incompetent for a job. They are afraid of living with the shame that accompanies failure and they become a ghost of themselves when this happens.
No, worrying is not a sign of love. You worry about things you are confused about or unsure of, so worrying is a derivative of disturbance. You are not in love because you worry. You are loving regardless of your worry, not because of it.
I hope you enjoyed reading this article as much as I enjoyed writing it. Remember that although relationships can be very beautiful, relationships take hard work, and these relationship fears are normal, it becomes abnormal or a problem when it sabotages a healthy relationship, so sit back, let go of these fears and ideas, relax, let go of your worry and enjoy your relationship.
Let me know what you think of this in the comments and if you enjoyed this, don’t forget to share it with your loved ones.
As hopeless romantic I struggled tremendously in my love life. After many years of searching, trial & error, and countless failed relationships, I finally found my Mr. Right. It wasn't an easy road, but one that has taught me an incredible amount about the workings of relationships between men and women, and this is what I hope to share through my writing on this blog.