‘Happily Ever After' – that's one line of thought many women grew up believing, clinging to and even hoping for.
I had this fairy tale notion that I would graduate college, get married, have two kids, and live luxuriously in a fashionable house by the beachside.
The truth is, a lot of us get into a relationship, and sometimes immediately or eventually have those fuzzy butterflies in our stomach. That over-the-top feeling that your man is gorgeous, sexy, romantic, and incapable of doing any wrong is all part of the fairytale.
But what happens when that fairytale turns into a real-life nightmare and you no longer have feelings for your husband? Do you constantly find yourself looking for reasons to love or even like your spouse? Hey, you're not alone that's for sure; loss of attraction is actually very common.
That’s why I strongly urge you to read on and guarantee that something here will help you through this seemingly dark, yet totally normal phase of your relationship.
- 1 How to Know When I am not Attracted to My Husband?
- 2 Why Am I Not Sexually Interested In My Husband Anymore?
- 3 What To Do When You Are Not Attracted To Your Husband ?
- 4 To Conclude
How to Know When I am not Attracted to My Husband?
Attraction to a spouse isn't just limited to physical attraction, it can go as far as finding their company irritating, their jokes stale or even their compliments aggravating. I assure you that this is something that commonly happens to a lot of couples from time to time. However, there are some more severe signals of an attraction drain. Here are some of them:
1. Easy aggravation
Remember those good old days when all you craved for was your husband’s presence? The clock couldn't move any slower at work. But after deciding to tie the knots and move in together, are you now easily aggravated by him? Sadly, even three months living with a spouse could quickly falter the positive feelings. When everything they do seems to be inadequate, annoying, or irritating, this could be one of the major things that signify a loss of attraction.
A feeling of constant agitation could make you nitpick at everything and anything that your husband does. Positive compliments or acts of love that used to have you laughing in fits are now totally annoying. Their smell could become off-putting, so could the way they sleep, eat, or even smile. This can be a hazardous phase, because most of these feelings start quite innocently, but can quickly grow to resentment.
Make no mistake, If you dated other guys prior to your marriage, and the feeling of ‘I’m not attracted to my boyfriend’ arose, distancing yourself was likely a significant act that followed. Likewise, the same behavior will come with the loss of attraction to a spouse; so, don’t be surprised if you also find yourself avoiding his presence, or spending more time at work; there's a big chance that there is a loss of attraction.
Now, the things that previously brought you together no longer bring joy, and you find yourself seeking pleasure in other places that don't involve or revolve around your husband. Maybe you haven't noticed you're trying to flee as far away as possible from him, sometimes even when there isn’t anything wrong.
3. Showing less affection
One of the major proofs or acts of love is showing care and affection, and when this is lacking in a marriage, one of the root causes is lack of affection. It's hard even thinking of being sexually attracted to your husband, and once that plug is pulled, showing love becomes a struggle as well.
No doubt, it can be tough, especially if your spouse doesn't know what is going on. He could do the chores, do the school runs, come back and cook dinner, and you'd still find it hard looking at him with that same spark in your eyes.
However, it's unnatural to think that the attraction we initially felt for our partners will last forever. Sometimes, comparing the now, to before could be the primary cause of a lack of attraction; that initial ‘can't get your hands off each other' stage, also the honeymoon stage does not always last forever. So, if it’s a case that you are simply missing the excitement that brought you both together, I would suggest spicing things up.
Why Am I Not Sexually Interested In My Husband Anymore?
1. Someone has dropped the ball
Before marriage, there’s that really fun phase of the relationship where you’re still enjoying all the benefits that come with courtship. Regular date nights, late-night phone calls and visits, spontaneous sex, and many other wild and fun things. It's prevalent for this ‘dating stage ‘to gradually fade when people get married.
It doesn't matter how long you have been married; there's always that moment when you start noticing he isn't cutting his hair as frequently or doesn't care to work out as much. Or maybe on the flip side, you aren't living up to the same level of ‘high maintenance' that may have enticed him to you in the first place. This could affect the way you see yourself and automatically shut down the thought of even getting naked in front of anyone.
No doubt, physical appearance may also play a large part in getting one person enticed by the other, but don’t feel bad about not being yourself; rather, think about ways to improve the situation. So, if either you or the husband has stopped caring enough to make an effort, this would be the right time to start making an effort.
2. Unresolved issues
A lot happens in marriage; the wedding is just one colorful happy day full of memories. The day after that, both you and your spouse have the rest of your lives to think about. In just a single day, week or month, it's possible your husband has either said or done something that has annoyed you.
The most annoying thing about it is that your husband might not even have the slightest idea about what is going on. So, getting over what has been done and moving on can be a real stretch, and is no easy task, but if you want to save your marriage, it is something that must be done.
3. Life has taken its toll
A lot of couples find out that after a while, they can't keep up with the fun, wild, and spontaneous living. More tasks at work, kids, family issues, medical conditions, promotions, or even distance could threaten the already existing physical attraction. I am sure there was a time where both of you could get it anytime and practically everywhere. Now, more things are getting in the way that.
In fact, prior to marriage, when you were still dating, you probably don’t remember saying, ‘I am not attracted to boyfriend anymore,' – most likely, life was fun, and there was a lot less to think about. With married life comes more responsibilities, which can all be very stressful. Getting all cozy or having sex is probably the last thing on your mind. And once you get comfortable and slip into task-mode, it's kind of hard to snap out of it.
What To Do When You Are Not Attracted To Your Husband ?
Many people assume that once they stop feeling sexually attracted to their spouse, the marriage is over; however, I feel it's just beginning. The same way you haven't given up on your dreams, kids, and even on life, there is much work to be done when it comes to igniting that fire called desire again.
1. Don’t deal with it casually
Just like you’re probably thinking, ‘I am not attracted to my husband’, he’s probably also feeling not attracted to his wife. If that’s the case, most likely, you’re part of a sexless marriage. However, one of the main reasons sexless marriages end in divorce is actually because of how casual some couples deal with it.
No matter how we want to look at it, intimacy, sensuality, physical touch, and sex itself, are major factors that spice up the marriage. Personally, if I am not attracted to my husband, I would be devising ways, every single day, to get some alone time, no matter how busy we are.
Furthermore, if I lack the zeal or passion to get the ‘jiggy with it,' then they are some underlying issues I have to confront. So, I suggest you consider doing the same, do all it takes, put mind over matter, read books, get therapy, and, most importantly, communicate with your spouse.
2. Let your partner in on it
Okay, so this may be the most awkward part of this whole situation, letting your partner know how you truly feel. There's no need to tell everything with all the gruesome details; however, if the lack of attraction stems from something he did, said, or is still doing (like infidelity), it is essential to let him know what it is doing to the relationship.
There should be discussions about the best approach solution as well as a helpful strategy to ignite the spark again. Options like taking a vacation, going out on date night more often, or even trying to stay up a little longer at night to talk and you know, do other naughty stuff. Sometimes, the desire you thought had left is still there; it just needs a little fuel; so, little something else should come into play.
3. Choose to fuel the fire again
Many aspects of life are purely based on choice, and not feelings; we prove that fact by merely choosing to live and not slitting our throats at the slightest sign of challenges. You may feel like you don’t like or love your husband anymore. This doesn't mean your marriage is broken; it just means that emotions and feelings can be volatile.
You see, emotions are very dependent on what is happening in life at the time, either internally or externally. I could wake up one morning and not feel like going to work, that doesn't make me sit at home, because I know there are bills to pay. So, I make a hard but necessary choice to get up, dress up, and look like I love my job more than anything!
This is the same way I could wake up feeling like I'm not attracted to my husband anymore, that doesn't mean I should give in to those emotions. No doubt, the best stories we hear are stemmed from two people who chose to keep loving each other, regardless of how they felt.
Love is more of a choice, not a feeling; when you think of it like that, it makes the decision to fix a bad relationship a lot easier. Determine to live every day thinking of ways to spice things up, while ruling out factors that could make you fall back to old habits.
Life isn’t a bed of roses, and we don’t throw in the towel when some nasty things happen to us. So, why are we saving all that energy to wage wars in marriage; if you once loved that man, then there is a big chance that you’ll still be able to love him again.
I hope this piece has been helpful to you and would love to hear your feedback. Feel free to leave a comment and share this post, if it has helped you in any way, it would surely help someone else in the same shoes.
As hopeless romantic I struggled tremendously in my love life. After many years of searching, trial & error, and countless failed relationships, I finally found my Mr. Right. It wasn't an easy road, but one that has taught me an incredible amount about the workings of relationships between men and women, and this is what I hope to share through my writing on this blog.