Feeling as though guys aren’t interested in you is really difficult, especially if you’re looking for a romantic relationship. It knocks your confidence, which then makes it even harder for you to feel attractive or important.
I can’t offer an easy solution to this problem, however much I wish I could. If an easy answer existed, you’d have already found it, so I’m not going to patronize you. Instead, I’m going to use this article to explain the slower and more difficult (but reliable) solution - how to value yourself without a relationship.
Ironically, this has the added benefit of making it more likely that you’ll find a healthy, loving relationship.
Table of Contents
Let’s start from the beginning. You’ve probably been told a million times that your worth doesn’t depend on whether a particular guy is attracted to you or not. The problem is that, no matter how many times someone says that to you, it often doesn’t feel true.
This is because being told that your value as a person is independent of your sexual attractiveness goes against almost every cultural message we all receive. TV, films, and music all tell you that your value as a person comes from how attractive you are to men.[1]
When friends or family tell you the opposite, it’s really hard to believe them.
Rather than just repeating the statement that you’re important and valuable even without a romantic relationship, let’s look at the reasons behind that claim.
The first point to make is that all of us are valuable for who we are. When we talk about self-worth, we’re talking about the extent to which you deserve love, care, and respect from the people around you.[2]
We don’t deserve ‘special treatment’, but we do all deserve to be treated well. This goes back to the fundamental principle of “treat others as you’d like to be treated”. If someone treats you in a way that they wouldn’t accept themselves, that’s never ok and you deserve better.
When you look to other people to validate you and give you self-worth, it’s too easy to be swayed by their opinions. Rather than being able to live according to your own principles and values, you find yourself adopting theirs in order to be liked or loved.
This might seem like a shortcut to being valued, but it undermines your sense of self-worth because you’re telling yourself that your values are “wrong” and someone else’s are “right.” That makes it incredibly difficult to believe in yourself.[3]
Surprisingly, this can even make it harder for other people to trust you. We trust people when we understand them and we know how they’re likely to react in specific situations. They’re acting consistently, which usually means that they’re behaving in line with their values.
If you’re adjusting your behavior to try to please others, it’s much harder to predict how you’re going to react. People aren’t quite sure about what matters to you because you keep hiding your authentic feelings.
It’s also worth mentioning that the way other people behave and how they treat you often has little or nothing to do with you and your worth as a person.
You’ve probably had days when you snapped at someone who cut in line in a store because you were in a bad mood, or where you smiled at everyone you met because you were feeling cheerful.
The way you behaved around them wasn’t because of anything that they had done. It was a reflection of your internal emotional state. The same is true of other people. If they treat you badly, it’s more likely to be a reflection of their personality or their mood than it is anything about you or your worth as a person.
If you ask 10 different people what they think a sexy woman looks like, you’ll get 10 different answers. If you ask 100 people, you’ll get 100 answers. Of course, there are some people who are generally considered “sexy” or “attractive,” but that doesn’t mean that this is the only version of sexy or attractive.
In fact, everyone has their own personal preferences and desires. Some people love the look of someone with huge breasts. Others prefer a smaller chest size.
The same is true of any aspect of our appearance, and even our personality. For every person who fantasizes about a strong, confident woman, there’s someone else wanting a shy introvert.
You genuinely can’t please everyone. If your self-worth depends on someone else’s approval or attraction, it will constantly be under attack.
With so much variety in what people want in a partner, there’s a strong chance that your lack of dating comes more from not having the opportunity to get to know people (and for them to show an interest in you).
So, how can you get those opportunities?
It might sound obvious, but you need to spend time with other people if you want to meet a romantic partner. Going to social events is an absolute must.
It might be tempting to hang with your friends and the people you already know, but this isn’t giving new people the chance to get to know you. Concentrate on trying to move slightly out of your comfort zone and making new friends.
Use this as a chance to work on your independence and authenticity as well. Try to choose events where you’re likely to have a lot in common with other people.
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For example, there’s no point in going to a car show if you hate loud noises and the smell of gas. Sure, there will be loads of men there, but they’re going to be interested in things that you don’t like. That’s not a great start. Find something you’re interested in and go from there.
If you’re used to being a people pleaser or if you constantly worry about why men don’t like you, you’re probably used to policing what you say. You overthink your comments and avoid saying anything that the other person might not like.
Obviously, we don’t set out to hurt or upset other people, but it’s important to be able to give your own opinions and talk about the things that matter to you.[4] This allows people to get to know who you are.
It can feel scary to open up like this, so try to start in low-pressure conversations. For example, I might not tell a die-hard Game of Thrones fan that I really didn’t like either the show or the books (sorry!), but I would talk about other, similar series that I did enjoy. I’m speaking my mind without feeling uncomfortable or creating conflict.
Having said that, it can be helpful to learn to be ok with being slightly vulnerable. Researchers have shown that we become emotionally closer to people when we take it in turns to share increasingly personal information about ourselves.[4]
Feeling safe enough to open up and let other people get to know our deep inner thoughts isn’t always easy, especially if you’re worrying about why men don’t like you. That’s why we start small and offer slightly personal information first. This might be mentioning your siblings, or what you studied in college.
You can save your deepest fears or your dreams for the future until you’ve built up trust between you.
Guys aren’t all confident and able to deal with rejection. In fact, lots of them are just as scared of rejection as you are. They’re unlikely to ask you out if they don’t have at least some sign that you’re interested.
Make life easier for them by making it clear that you would be keen to spend more time with them. If you’re talking to a guy you’re interested in, you could say “This is really interesting. I’d love to talk to you about this more. Let me know if you’d like to grab a coffee some time.”
The most powerful thing that you can do is to focus on improving your sense of self-worth, rather than trying to be attractive to someone else. This usually actually improves your dating prospects and (even more importantly) it makes you much happier with yourself and your life overall.
Here are the main benefits you’ll get from prioritizing yourself and your personal improvement.
Your self-confidence will almost always grow as you start to see yourself as both worthy of care and capable of caring for yourself. You’re showing yourself that you’re important and valuable. Once you recognize that as a fact, your confidence will shine out to others.
This might sound silly, but one of the difficult things about feeling as though no one likes you romantically or wondering why he doesn’t like you back is just how much time you spend dwelling on it and feeling awful. It’s just a sad feeling to sit with.
Having a plan to work on your self-love and personal development helps to fill your time and makes it harder for you to sit and ruminate about why guys aren’t interested in you. Avoiding rumination is important for your mental health.[5]
Spending time doing things you enjoy and learning new skills proves to you that you’re capable of so much more than you’d ever realized. If there’s a skill you’ve wanted to learn or something you’ve wanted to try, taking that step lets you feel strong, powerful, and in control of your life.
This is key to improving your self-confidence.[6]
You’re probably sick of hearing that your life can be complete without a man. That’s understandable. It’s one of those things that people often say to try to cheer you up which actually just invalidates your feelings of sadness and loneliness.
I’m not trying to say that. What I’m suggesting is that working on yourself makes you a “complete package.” Rather than looking for your “other half” or “someone who completes you,” you’re looking for someone who matches you.
When you feel complete without a man, you’re a great person with an awesome life looking for a man to make it even better. That’s a really attractive prospect and a much healthier position for you to start from.
Self-improvement and personal development aren’t just “nice to have.” They’re a huge part of how we protect our mental and physical well-being. Improving your ability to love and care for yourself helps to protect you against all kinds of problems, including anxiety, depression, diabetes, high blood pressure, and more.[7]
Working on self-development and self-improvement should never be something you do just to try to make yourself more attractive to a man. It needs to be something that you do for yourself.
Working on yourself in the hopes of snaring a future partner undermines the entire exercise. You’re not really valuing yourself and seeing your own self-worth. You’re trying to fit someone else’s expectations. That isn’t going to lead to the deep personal growth and confidence that can improve your life.
Often, guys won’t approach you because they don’t think that their attention will be welcome. You might present an aura of not being interested or spend all of your time talking to your female friends. Alternatively, guys might approach you but you don’t realize that they’re interested in you romantically.
If the guys you date never want to move toward a relationship, it might be because you’re dating the wrong sort of man for you. Try being clear about what you want from an early stage in getting to know each other
You can’t make anyone like you, but there are things you can do that make you more likely to find someone who cares. Start by learning to like and love yourself. This boosts your confidence, which is hugely attractive to others and improves your life.
Rather than focusing on why guys don’t want to date you, try to build a life that makes you happy and fulfills all of your own needs. If you can do this then meeting your ideal partner becomes a wonderful bonus. You still know your worth no matter what.
Did you enjoy this article? Let me know in the comments and please share this if you have a friend who needs to be reminded that she’s valuable and important, even without a man.
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