My Boyfriend Talks To His Ex Behind My Back (Should I Be Worried?)

The second that you find out that your boyfriend is talking his ex, it will feel like a knife has been plunged into your heart. I know when it happened to me, I was determined to find out why.

Thoughts ran through my mind as I wondered why my boyfriend would do that. I wanted to know if my boyfriend was in love with his ex if he would lie to me or try to hide it from me if I asked, and more than anything I wanting to know why he was talking to his ex. I wanted a reason. 

Where It Started?

Part of this stemmed from my own previous relationships involving men that cheated with their ex, which is what led to the chaotic thoughts before I asked him why he was talking to his ex. My boyfriend at the time was more than understanding, and I learned quite a bit.

You see, he was talking to one of his ex’s because they were simply discussing their children. Later on, he was talking to other ones because he was cheating, wanted attention, etc. He wasn’t so honest about those. Before the end of that one, I put in enough research on this topic to write a book. However, I’ll try to sum it up to help you figure out why he talks to his ex behind your back. 

Should I Be Worried That My Boyfriend Still Talks To His Ex?

This is one of the first things that someone needs to consider. It could be that a person is simply still friends with their ex or enjoys the conversation; it doesn’t always mean that they have feelings for their ex-girlfriend. Consider these things when you’re trying to figure out if you should be worried about your boyfriend and his ex. 

Trust Issues

Woman Looking At Her Laptop And Drinking Coffee

If you instantly feel jealous or as though there is something going on because your boyfriend talks to his ex, you need to look at yourself real quick. It’s important to determine whether you have a reason to believe that he is doing something behind your back, such as a red flag or four, or whether you have a problem with him talking to his ex because of your own insecurities. 

Take a moment to address your concerns with yourself before moving on to the next step. It’s important to understand why you feel the way that you do on the subject. For example, do you feel like it is a sign of disrespect to maintain a relationship with someone that he was lovers with? Do you want to avoid drama? Do you think that there is a chance you were a rebound and he still likes her? Or do you simply worry that he will cheat on you? Those are the types of questions that you need to ask yourself. 

Consider Other Factors

It is important to consider other factors as to why your guy might be talking to his ex-partner. Do they have careers that keep them in contact? Do they have children that they talk about? If the phone calls are about mutual friends they had prior to the relationship, work stuff or the children, they might not be keeping a secret. 

Remember That It Can Be Normal

It’s 2020 now, and it’s perfectly normal for a guy and a girl to be friends. Maybe the two of them aren’t great in a relationship but they are great as friends. They could have a lot in common but have problems that make a relationship difficult. You could have absolutely nothing to worry about. Even if you do have something to worry about, it’s important to try not to be emotional while you consider the facts.

Why Do Guys Stay In Touch With Ex-Girlfriends?

Couple At The Beach Man On His Phone

Everyone knows the obvious reason that a guy will stay in touch with a former lover: to hook up again. That’s the first thing that crosses a girl’s mind when they think about their man texting his old girlfriend, but there are plenty of reasons he might be keeping in touch. Some of them will make your blood boil, but some of them might make you realize that your man could be the innocent one in the situation. 

Your Boyfriend Is Comfortable With Her

If the break up is recent, the relationship was serious, like if she was his fiance, or if the relationship lasted for years, there is a good chance that your boyfriend is still comfortable with her. Anything else is out of his comfort zone, which makes it hard to let go. 

He’s Not Over Her

He could simply have jumped into another relationship based on the old adage that the quickest way to get over someone is to get under someone. It’s not okay, but it does happen. Ask how recent the breakup was and inquire about his relationship history to see if you’re with a serial monogamist. 

She Still Likes Your Boyfriend

Sometimes, it’s not always the boyfriend that is not over her yet. Maybe, she is the one that can’t let go and he doesn’t see it. She’s the girl that is still after her old flame even though he’s moved on, and she shows all the signs of still having feelings for him. She calls him to return clothes months after they broke up, to ask questions that she could have figured out for herself and never seems to go away. If this is the case, he needs to stand up to her. This is no reason not to trust your guy though. 

They Are Friends

Maybe they’ve been broken up for a while, are already past the breakup and have become friends. There is a chance that there is no deception going on. If chances are good that they are just friends, pay attention to his actions and trust your gut. It is possible for a guy and girl to have a normal friendship. 

What Should I Do If My Boyfriend Is Talking To His Ex?

Woman Problematic Looking At Her Laptop

Now that you know your boyfriend is talking to his ex, and hopefully are calm again, it’s time to take a look at the situation. It’s really important that you not let anger rule your actions, so take a few deep breaths if you’re not calm yet. 

Look For More Information

It’s important that you don’t have into his Facebook account or WhatsApp, or break any privacy laws, to do this. There is a balance between looking for more information and hacking into his email. If you must ask permission to look at his devices. If the two still have a thing going on, there will be proof. There is always proof. See if they heart react every Facebook post the other one posts, still reminisce about the good times and look at how much he pays attention to her. Men pay attention to what they like. 

You can also look for physical signs. Does he still have her clothes, or is she still donning his old hooded sweatshirt? Does she still get invited to his parent’s house? You can look to see if she leaves things in his car too. Try to do this without breaking the trust that the two of you already have in the relationship. Once you lose his trust, it will be hard to get it back to the way it used to be. 

Observe His Behavior

A man will act differently when he likes a girl. If he is interested in sex or romance, their relationship will cross boundaries that most friends don’t. He will also behave differently. For example, he might act happy when she calls. His face might light up when he is in her company. This can help you understand what his motives might be behind talking to her. 

Ask Your Boyfriend Why He Talks To His Ex

If he’s still having conversations even though he’s in a new relationship, and it bothers you, it’s important to make sure that you ask him about it. They could have reasons that they need to stay in contact, such as a cell phone plan, other finances that they haven’t worked out yet, etc.

When two people’s lives are tangled together, there are a lot of decisions that need to be made after a break-up. They could also have agreed to stay friends. If you want to understand where your boyfriend is coming from, it’s important to ask your bf face to face what his intentions are. 

I Think My Boyfriend Still Has Feelings For His Ex

Whether anyone likes it, you have to open your eyes to the possibility that you could be getting played. It doesn’t mean that you don’t trust him, or that you definitely are getting cheated on if he still talks to her, but there is a chance his ex is also his side piece. If you think that he is still in love with his ex, it doesn’t hurt to look into it before you find out your boyfriend’s ex is still his girlfriend too. 

Signs He Still Loves His Ex-Wife

If your man is still harboring feelings of love or lust for his ex, there’s a chance that your boyfriend still loves them. Asking him about it is an option, but few guys are going to tell their new partner that they feel that way. Instead, look for these signs. 

  • He asks her for advice
  • He replies quickly to her text message, but not anyone else
  • He shares everything with his ex-girlfriend, including things about your relationship
  • He makes angry comments about her
  • He texts her all the time
  • He brings her up constantly
  • Things remind him of her daily
  • Talking about her brings out his emotions (whether those be happy, sad or mad)
  • He talks about the connection they had

These are all sure-fire signs that he still has feelings for his ex, and that your boyfriend is using you as a rebound. If you still aren’t sure, you can take this ‘is he still in love with his ex-wife’ quiz.

Have The Discussion

Couple Talking While Walking In The Park

Now that you’ve considered everything, and even asked him why he still talks to her, it’s time to have the discussion. This is the part where you decide what you’re okay with, and what you’re not.

Even if there are no flags pointing to him wanting to be with her as more than friends, you might not be comfortable with it. You need to decide how you want to solve this situation, and then sit down with your man to have that conversation. Every problem needs a solution, including this one. Communicating properly is important to problem-solving in a relationship. 

During the discussion, try not to let it turn into an argument. Avoid the tears and ultimatum. Instead, start by pointing out details that you have noticed or that bother you. This could be the secrets between the two of them, that he seems to have more fun with her or that you feel concerned for your own relationship because you suspect that you might be a rebound for him. However you feel, get it out in the open. 

Then, make sure to listen to his response. When jealousy hits, it can be easy to take things out of context and it’s not fair to him if he doesn’t have a fair chance to explain his own point of view. If the scenario were reversed, you would want him to hear what you have to say. 

Then, tell him how you would like to see your relationship. If you want to break up, get it over with and do it. If you want to work on things and feel that he needs to set boundaries, mention that. It’s important that this conversation involves you stating what you hope to see happen in the future, and him voicing his own thoughts. The two of you should compromise on a solution that you are both comfortable with.

In A Nutshell

Finding out that your boyfriend is talking to his ex behind your back can shatter your world, even if for a brief moment while you compose yourself. It’s important to ask why and reach an understanding about him talking to her. Have you ever been in this situation? What advice would you give to everyone else?

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