All intimate relationships have their share of disagreements, frictions, and road bumps. However, it’s daunting when only one party recognizes such issues, while the other refuses to acknowledge them. There’s no undermining the power of ‘talking things out’ in relationships, that’s one of the major ways of finding common ground.
Without effective communication, there’s little compromise or understanding in relationships. That’s why when just one partner is constantly complaining about relationship problems, it almost becomes depressing. At some point, you’ll start feeling like you’re the negative, immature, or unforgiving one.
That is not the case, you are very right to try and hash issues out. However, ensure your method of approach is friendly, open, and not defensive. Here’s why. Studies show that ladies are more likely to seek disclosure than men. It’s something we develop from an early age, we tend to seek some kind of social support or encouragement when things go south.
So, before you feel bad, take a breath and read through the list below. It will give you more insight into why your partner seems less concerned about your relationship problems.
- 1 13 Reasons Why Your Boyfriend Never Wants To Talk About Relationship Problems
- 1.1 1. Gender differences
- 1.2 2. He is passive-aggressive
- 1.3 3. Poor communication
- 1.4 4. He’s defensive
- 1.5 5. He feels coerced
- 1.6 6. He is not ready to face reality
- 1.7 7. He is still mad at you
- 1.8 8. His mind is preoccupied with other issues
- 1.9 9. He may be clueless
- 1.10 10. He doesn’t want to make things worse
- 1.11 11. Relationship issues seem trivial to him
- 1.12 12. Talking about such problems wears him out
- 1.13 13. He’s thinking about breaking up
- 2 FAQs
- 3 To Summarize
13 Reasons Why Your Boyfriend Never Wants To Talk About Relationship Problems
1. Gender differences
‘Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus,’ have you read the book? John Gray takes us on a journey in this book, taking time to explain the differences between man and woman. In his book, he explains that men are not the most expressive beings. Neither do they feel the constant need to talk things out.
They would rather lock themselves in or go hang out with friends when there’s a relationship issue than sit down and discuss it. Ladies, on the other hand, are more expressive, we like to get to the bottom of things and speak our minds. That’s one thing men are afraid of, the ‘we need to talk’ moment.
They would rather retire to their man cave and enjoy silence and brooding, and then come back acting as if nothing happened. No doubt, this can be annoying. It’s important to have conversations on issues, it helps strengthen the relationship. However, if it’s an issue you have discussed more than twice, you may want to pick your battles so you don’t overwhelm this man.
2. He is passive-aggressive
Have you ever tried to sit things out with your partner and have an honest, open discussion? What was the reply? Most men conclude that women are trying to start a fresh argument when they want to talk. It doesn’t matter how many times you try to disprove that, they still come to the same conclusion.
Such men may be passive-aggressive, they avoid confrontations at all costs, and by no means want to fight. Remember that people have different ways of dealing with situations. Your partner may prefer to brood in his mind, while you are more upfront and vocal. More importantly, you have to be careful when discussing things with a passive-aggressive partner.
They set booby traps in the conversation and it’s so hard not to fall. For example, if he says, “I don’t want to fight about this,’ and the situation does lead to an argument, you have proved him right. Next time, he’ll look at you with a knowing face and emphasize how he’s not interested in getting in a verbal battle with you.
3. Poor communication
The truth is, you cannot blame everything on your partner. Sometimes, he’ll avoid such conversations because the communication system you both have is flawed. This happens mostly when one person is more dominant than the other. Their voice is heard more, and the argument or discussion is most likely to sway in their direction.
No one likes to go to battle knowing they’ll lose or be at a disadvantage. This may be the reason why your partner avoids such conversations. It could be your facial expressions, the way you present your points, or the type of trigger words you use.
That’s why it’s important to employ good communication skills when having a discussion with your partner. Take their feelings into consideration as much as you do yours. Also, acknowledge any wrongdoing on your part and don’t make him the villain.
4. He’s defensive
A lot of people get defensive when relationship issues are brought up. No one wants to be the reason for the difficulties in a relationship. So, rather than face the music, your partner may prefer to avoid communicating in general. He doesn’t want to admit he’s at fault, so why put himself in a situation where that might happen, right?
Plus, having a conversation may put him in the position of admitting his faults. If he hates doing this, that’s probably why he keeps stonewalling you. He won’t mind using anger or any other vice to avoid discussing your issues.
5. He feels coerced
A lot of men admit that they feel pressured into conversations. That’s because a study by some social scientists proves that men open up better to their female counterparts than males.
However, not many men will admit that they insist that they feel pressured into such conversations. The study does prove a point that women can be the best listeners when they want to.
That fact alone could make any man want to confide in his partner, or talk about any distresses in the relationship. However, if it is true that they feel a certain pressure to have such conversations, then that may be the case here. Rather than face the pressure to talk, he’d rather ignore you and ‘enjoy’ peace of mind.
6. He is not ready to face reality
Have you ever been afraid of having a conversation simply because you don’t know what the outcome will be? That may be the case here, only slightly different. Some guys prefer to live in la-la-land. They don’t want to come to terms with what’s happening in front of them and would rather postpone any feeling of guilt or responsibility.
Such people love to live in the moment and enjoy every minute, so a serious conversation won’t sound appealing to them. If you need to talk, they’ll rather postpone such conversations to a time where they feel more sober. However, if your partner is really a fun-loving person, that time may never come.
There’s nothing negative about shifting important conversations until later. After all, both parties need to be ready before having any conversation if it’s to be fair, healthy, and successful. However, if such avoidance and postponement become a habit, then your partner may be afraid to face his reality.
7. He is still mad at you
We can agree that it’s best not to have important conversations when you are upset. Instead of reaching a resolution, both of you may end up reaching a breaking point. So, your partner may avoid such conversations because it takes longer for him to get over things. If you had a misunderstanding recently and decide to talk it through, he would rather not.
Why? Because he’s still upset. He would rather wait until he feels less hurt or aggravated before having such conversations. However, we know how it can be. Most times, if issues are not hashed out within days or a week, it becomes extinct. Bringing it up may make you seem malicious or unforgiving, at least that’s the way your partner may see things.
So, before concluding that he’s being insensitive or uncooperative, find out if he’s still mad at you. Remember that he may not admit it outrightly. It’s up to you to watch for anybody's language signals that indicate pent-up anger.
8. His mind is preoccupied with other issues
Yes, this may sound very annoying but it’s true. The truth is that you have to be observant when planning such conversations. Did he mention any work deadline? Pressing family issues, or ailment? That could be the reason why he’s being evasive. It may hurt knowing that your relationship plays the second fiddle in his life.
However, it’s important to keep in mind that people try to deal with other issues in their lives to ensure they can give their all in a relationship. So, if he seems overly focused on these other problems, give him some space and time before bringing up the matter. Besides, look at things from his point of view.
If he is going through other challenges, he may think you're being insensitive when asking to talk about relationship issues.
9. He may be clueless
It’s a fact that men can be very chill about serious matters. The things that seem irrelevant to you are important to them, and vice versa. The truth is, that such inconsistencies will always cause friction. In this case, he may consider what you see as serious, a trivial matter. However, don’t get all riled up about this, it’s best to ask him why he’s stonewalling you.
That’s the only way you’ll truly know if he sees the issue as a trivial one that doesn’t require any serious conversations or not.
10. He doesn’t want to make things worse
Some people would rather keep their mouths shut than say the hurtful thing. Especially when things aren’t too rocky at the moment. This may be the case with your boyfriend. If he thinks that having a serious conversation would shed light on some things he’d rather not admit, your boyfriend would avoid such conversations.
This is true especially when it has happened before. He won’t want to be the reason any conversation goes south. That’s why he would rather stay out of it than get involved.
11. Relationship issues seem trivial to him
Anytime issues about your union come up, your boyfriend pushes it to the side and would rather continue as if nothing happened. Maybe that’s because he feels such issues are trivial. There are people that believe that love is all that matters. As long as they love you and vice versa, nothing else matters.
Love may be the driving force of all relationships, but it’s not the only captain. However, if your boyfriend is convinced of the opposite, there’s little you can do. He may come to realize on his own that other values such as healthy communication, compromise, trust, and understanding (to mention a few) are just as important.
However, before he does realize this, trivializing such issues may be the reason why he doesn’t want to discuss any challenges with you.
12. Talking about such problems wears him out
Some partners need more time when it comes to processing any problems in their union. That’s because they see such challenges as extra pressure or stress. Such people think that there’s no need to stress about such things, and everything will work out in the end.
He may also be acting this way if he feels like you’re repeatedly talking about certain issues without any helpful solutions.
13. He’s thinking about breaking up
This may be a sad conclusion but it’s true. Some partners stop caring about such challenges not because they don’t exist, but because they don’t care anymore. They are not being evasive to avoid confrontations or for any other reason listed above. They are simply tired and want out. Hopefully, this isn’t the case in your union.
It’s important to understand that men and women are different, and in general, people are different. Some people are over-sharers and analyzers, no detail gets past them. However, not everyone likes to share, and this may be the case with your boyfriend. He may feel misunderstood any time he tries to hash out issues.
Plus, not many people like to hear what they are doing wrong.
It’s important to realize when there’s a communication problem in your relationship and look for tactics to solve them. Your boyfriend may avoid talking about a relationship problem simply because of the mode of communication.
If you don’t process your feelings first and start a conversation angry, it may not be productive. In addition, your timing matters, there are times your partner would be more open to talking, leverage that. If he still refuses to listen, you can leave him thoughtful notes that are not accusatory, but rather loving, expressive yet firm about what you are willing to condone.
There’s a difference between ‘comfortable silence’, and ‘uncomfortable or awkward silence’. In healthy relationships, some couples could go hours without talking, their body language says it all. Such couples won’t mind sitting together and just being silent, and enjoying each other’s company. However, such silence is negative when it’s awkward and tense.
Stonewalling means purposely ignoring and refusing to talk to another person. In a union, that could mean refusing to discuss conflict, avoiding communication, and giving the silent treatment. Stonewalling can be very hurtful, as it shows the other parties’ adamance to fix issues in the relationship.
You can’t communicate with a partner the same way you’d speak to a sibling, they are two different people. So while you want to talk and be heard, ensure you understand the kind of person you are dating or married to.
Does he prefer to do the talking, does he get defensive, or is he very emotional? Then it’s time to change your tactics. If he’s defensive, don’t be forceful so he doesn't get angry. Use more of ‘I’, than you and also listen to what he has to say. He won’t get angry if you’re kind, calm, open, and understanding.
Did you enjoy reading through this list? I sure hope you did. Remember, having a healthy conversation isn’t just about knowing the basics of communication. It’s also about understanding your partner’s personality and temperaments.
And sometimes, it’s best to ask your partner to be open about why he’s being evasive and also consider your part in all this. If this article was helpful in any way, kindly leave a comment below and share this with friends and family who need it.
As hopeless romantic I struggled tremendously in my love life. After many years of searching, trial & error, and countless failed relationships, I finally found my Mr. Right. It wasn't an easy road, but one that has taught me an incredible amount about the workings of relationships between men and women, and this is what I hope to share through my writing on this blog.