‘Will he come back if I leave him alone?’ This commonly asked question might relate to the fact that the only thing scarier than opening yourself up to someone is letting them go. This is the reason many people close themselves up – nevertheless, there is always a but. There’s always that one exception who breaks through and really tugs at your heartstrings.
What’s more, with the inevitability of falling in love, there's the possibility you’re going to have to meet someone you’ll soon have to set loose. Remember that popular saying; ‘ If you love someone set them free if they come back they’re yours; if they don’t they never will’.
- 1 Where To Start?
- 2 What Are The Best Ways To Get Your Ex Back?
- 2.1 1. Friendship is off the table.
- 2.2 2. Cut that cord.
- 2.3 3. Turn up the heat.
- 2.4 4. Keep the begging at bay.
- 2.5 5. Negativity is a ‘no-no.’
- 2.6 6. Live your life.
- 2.7 7. Value your mutual friends.
- 2.8 8. Play hard to get.
- 2.9 9. Be wary of social media.
- 2.10 10. Keep it together, sister!
- 2.11 11. Be honest with everyone.
- 3 Ways To Tell That He Will Return
- 3.1 1. He reaches out often.
- 3.2 2. He didn't completely cut ties.
- 3.3 3. He keeps trying to trigger flashbacks.
- 3.4 4. He tries to mend the rift.
- 3.5 5. He makes an effort to change.
- 3.6 6. He cannot keep his hands off you.
- 3.7 7. The compliments keep rolling in.
- 3.8 8. He does not return your things.
- 3.9 9. He straight up tells you he's sorry.
- 4 FAQ
- 5 On A Final Note
Where To Start?
So, if you have recently broken up with someone, you are likely asking yourself ‘’will he come back?’’, “Does he miss me’’ And ‘’what’s the best way to get an ex-boyfriend back?’’. Sure, your girlfriends may keep reassuring you saying ‘he’ll come back’, but they are your support system and are meant to say reassuring words.
The good news is that if you want to patch your relationship up with your guy, there’s an actual way to read in between the lines; it’s not foolproof, but it’ll give you some logical reassurance. However, before I get started, it’s important to note that this is all quite subjective, most men are different. So, don’t be bummed out if things don’t work out.
Luckily, for the most part of it humans are predictable, so, here’s how to navigate that breakup period up until you two lovebirds get back together.
What Are The Best Ways To Get Your Ex Back?
1. Friendship is off the table.
Even though all the signs he will never come back are flowing, don’t put yourself in the ‘friend’ zone. You see, this is one trap that we tend to fall into all in the name of trying to patch things up. If you really want to patch things up, then totally take friendship off the table… it's a farce.
Sometimes we get so scared during that ‘will he come back to me’ stage that we fall into ‘friendship’. The thing is, you really cannot expect to have a good friendship after all you have gone through together. It's even worse if you are thinking of getting your ex back; all the residual emotions will stand in the way of all that.
So, if you are trying to get him back, the best method to achieve this is to leave him alone. Sure, it sounds counterproductive, but it really works! Life with your ex-boyfriend may be hard but if you are planning on getting your ex back, you need to lay off being too friendly. Chances are that if he sees that you are doing quite well without him, then he’ll miss you.
It’s manipulation, you say… well, a woman has to do what a woman has to do. The truth is, the same manner some time apart makes you go gaga for him, it’ll probably happen on his end too. All those fond memories will creep to the surface and he’ll definitely want to be more than friends.
2. Cut that cord.
Saying you cannot be friends is one thing, another thing is cutting this man off completely. This is not something that’s easy for most women, as it might make him feel bad, but it is for the best if you really want to get back together. You see, some breakups are simply power plays and if you want to come out with your man by your side, make sure you embrace a new life and leave him to his antics.
Yes, I understand that life without your ex might be torturous but forming a new life like he does not exist will totally throw him off his game. It’s another method to make him yearn for you and miss you even more. Even better; it's an avenue for you to give him space to do what he really wants and also figure out if the relationship is right for him. And trust me, most men need space. So, whether it's getting back together or moving on, only time will tell.
For the most part of it, you can rest assured that he will be thinking about you a whole lot. So, you better make sure that you adhere to what I’m going to call the ‘no contact rule’. This is not the time to get tempted ladies, this fella does not exist until he’s banging down your door. Ok, it may not go that far, but by now you should catch the drift.
3. Turn up the heat.
After the breakup stage, you have to turn up the heat. I know some people call it manipulation but isn’t life, as a whole, a series of manipulative maneuvers? This isn’t justification, but as women, sometimes using our words does not end well for us.
During the break-up period, you have to try your very best to the most perfect version of yourself. And it's not just about managing to get out of bed and putting on clean clothes, you need to really amp it up. Further, don’t just get a new haircut and slap on some makeup, make sure to change your mindset too.
Every time you wake up in the morning give yourself a pep talk in front of the mirror. Yes, you need to hear that you are a one-of-a-kind woman, deserving of love and affection and your life without him will be just fine. So, enjoy your new life, make new friends and ramp up those experiences.
Chances are that if he sees that you are doing so well, he’ll eventually want you back. So, yes. Leaving him alone is a great method to get what you want sometimes; however, be sure to pick your battles though. I am not saying that this always works, keep in mind that his elongated silence may be one of the signs that he will never come back. What I will tell you is that if this works, you will be able to get back together on your own terms.
4. Keep the begging at bay.
Girlfriend, you will be tempted to get back your ex by begging him, especially if it did not end on that bad a note – but don’t. You need to make him miss you and be on your own for a bit, thus, leaving him alone is the best way forward.
The good news is that there’s probably an end to your staying alone and completely out of the relationship. You’ll be tempted to break the silence and, but please hold off and keep all that begging at bay. I am not saying it's going to be easy, in fact, it’ll be as far from easy as possible. During this period, you’re going to miss him and crave his presence a whole lot more.
But stay strong, leave him alone and do not beg him to come back. The breakup stage is always hard and this isn’t the time to ask him out to coffee or turn up at his favorite hang out spots. Let him come to you when he is ready, the same way you have his contacts, he has yours.
Even if he is miles away, he will find a way to get in touch with you if he really wants to. Your job is not to worry when, but to stay strong and dignified.
5. Negativity is a ‘no-no.’
It’s easy to become a bundle of negativity when dealing with an ex. As much as you miss him when leaving him alone, best believe some unsavory thoughts will creep into the crevices of your mind. It's pretty typical to bash on the ex now and then and blame him for destroying the relationship, but we are human, nevertheless; so, try your best to ensure it does not get out of hand.
Saying and thinking horrible thoughts is a way to ensure that you do not question your own stand. The fact that you are not happy with the entire situation does not give you a free pass to criticize and demean him. Let’s face it, as women, we love to take a jab here and there when we feel hurt.
Just try to stay grounded, a break up is no reason to totally lose all sense of decency.
It gets even worse if he is purposely trying to get your attention by flaunting a new relationship in your face. Or maybe he’s found some other way to show you that he can do bad all by himself. But try your very best to rise above the situation. Look for other ways to keep yourself busy and stay away from his life (and a new relationship) in general.
6. Live your life.
In the famous words of Rihanna and T.I in their 2008 hit, ‘Live your life’. Yes, your relationship may have come to an end, but you need to find other things to do. That whole relationship was a major part of who you were, nevertheless, it was not your everything. So, live your life, keep busy and you may find that the voices in your head that remind you about how his hair smelt won’t be that loud.
Once memories of your relationship is history, you’ll have the chance to think about what really matters. So, pick up a good book, take up painting, go out dancing with the girls… all in all, just make sure you’re doing something other than obsessing over your ex. I am totally aware of the fact that it's impossible to keep all thoughts of your ex at bay, but there will be some golden moments where you are simply living your life.
When your ex that you’re doing good all by yourself, best believe that it’ll make him miss you a whole lot.
7. Value your mutual friends.
Sometimes, separating is a lot like war; imagine two kingdoms that were once thick as thieves now entangled in silent combat. You need to make allies, especially if you do not want to completely lose your mind. Especially if the two of you were in a relationship for quite some time, it's more than expected that you’d have some friends in common.
In that case, do not sit back and let things get awkward, use your friends to your advantage. Chances are that you may not bump into him that often, you will both try to avoid each other like a plague. Your common friends, on the other hand, are fair game. Having them bump into you with a new squeeze or even a hot cousin no one knows is good enough. There is a fat chance that at least one of them will take the information right back to your ex.
Now, note that this could go one of two ways; he could simply move on with his life or he could come to terms with the fact that he’s not over you. The trick is to do just enough to sell it, don’t take a leaf out of Icarus’ book. Remember, men and women can be very different and so can your ex.
8. Play hard to get.
So, let’s say you do all the above and your ex suddenly comes to his senses and gives in to the fact that you’re a goddess. He’s going to reach out to you, in a way you will feel like things will be back on track and your first impulse will be to jump right back on that wagon as if it didn’t have a wobbly wheel.
I have one word for you and it’s ‘no’. If you want the relationship to restart on better terms than before, you better hold yourself back – leaving him alone is the best method to take. Cast your mind back to the days when you had to cry yourself to sleep. Remember all those Taylor Swift and Adele songs that you binged on and give yourself some advice.
As women, we tend to give up all sorts of cookies too early just to get a relationship back, but do not let this be one of them. I’m not saying that this is a tit for tat situation, but yes, this is a tit for tat situation. You need to maintain a good amount of space to show your ex you can exist without him.
So, once you get that text, do not reply immediately; if it's a call, at least try not to make it seem as if you were sitting by your phone waiting for him. When you do answer your ex, be as polite as can be while being aloof. You are extremely valuable, let him see that.
In more ways that one, social media can be a major bummer. Sure, it keeps you connected and informed, but sometimes that is exactly the opposite of what you need. Let me start by saying that in the same manner it's not wise to have your relationship all over Facebook, it's not advisable to put your break up on there.
Now that’s out of the way, I can get to the crux of the matter. I tell you this from a place of experience, do not go posting tacky photos willy nilly. Picture this; it's a day after the breakup and you find yourself at the bottom of a wine bottle while you’re on Snapchat. That is not the time to slap on some lipstick and post some revealing pictures. Not only will you regret it in the morning, but your ex will read through that desperate attempt to get his attention. Sure, you might get his attention, but best believe it will not score you any points.
That’s not all; try your very best not to post memes and updates that have a subcontext. If there is anything you want to say to him, wait until the both of you can hold a civil conversation. And if you are going to be on social media at all, be sure not to upload anything out of the norm.
10. Keep it together, sister!
Men have many different concerns when in a relationship. However, as women, we are about 70% emotions and 30% ‘a bunch of other stuff’. All in all, I see how it would be hard to keep it together when a relationship is lost. It’s not easy, you were more than friends with this man and even very much in love – all of a sudden this is over.
No doubt, you are going to have a hard time adjusting without this man in your life and that is fine. But try as much as possible to process your feelings without totally losing your mind and yourself. Do not let him see you wrecked. As much as possible, you need to make this man feel like he’s not the center of your world. So, find a method to process and experience your feelings without acting out; I assure you that you’ll feel a lot better if you do this.
What’s more, if you want this man to value you, try your very best not to become a blubbering mess in front of him. Men are often afraid of extremely emotional women, so keep things cool. So, no late-night texts or voicemails that will make you regret the advent of all sorts of telecommunication technology. At this point, all you need is a solid support system consisting of close friends and family.
11. Be honest with everyone.
What I mean when I say ‘everyone’ in this case is; as much as you need to be upfront and with your ex, you need to give yourself the same courtesy. You need to make sure that you are telling yourself the absolute truth every step of the way. Sure, it's hard and you won’t be called a sucker for slipping up a few times. But at the end of the day, you need to tell yourself the truth.
Question yourself if the need arises; why did you break-up? Will you really ever get back together with this man? If the answer is yes, then bide your time and rush nothing.
Let him come back to you; trust me, it’ll mean a lot more. Even more, when he comes back, let him know the deal.
Worse yet, do not simply bend over backward for this man and take anything because you are so glad that he’s back. In the long run, that will end up biting you in the ass as it did before. In most cases, honesty is contagious and if you let him know what the real deal is, he’ll let you know as well.
Ways To Tell That He Will Return
So, now that you know exactly how to hold your own against the perils of a breakup, it's time for the good stuff. A major question a woman asks after a tussle with a past love is ‘ will he come back if I leave him alone?’ Although I cannot really give you a ‘yes’ or ‘no’, here are some ways to tell if the relationship will resume.
1. He reaches out often.
At some point, one of you is going to break the silence and it is certainly not you. Remember, we spoke about leaving him alone earlier? So, if he does patch things up or attempt to resume the relationship, you really need to reign it in and keep your cool. Chances are that if you keep it cool, you'll end up being on the receiving end of a lot of calls.
You'll even notice over time that he'll keep the calls coming, even when there's really no need for a phone call. It could be anything from asking for a friend's number to asking for the name of a restaurant you frequented.
What'll really give it away is if this man calls and sends messages even when you don't reply. Taking it up a notch, you might even get yourself a drunk dial or text here and there saying ‘I miss you’ or ‘I love you’.
Come on ladies, for the most part of it, we've all sent out that drunk text. Cast your thoughts back to your state of mind when you did that. It's exactly the same way in this case; when your ex is sober, he'll find it hard to fully express himself. But there's nothing like some good old' booze to loosen the tongue. All in all, frequent communication is a major pointer.
There is really no other explanation for his actions; clearly the man misses you! He's finally had enough time and space to think and in the end and has most likely realized that his life is better with you in it. For the most part of it, he's just trying to keep those communication lines nice and open. No doubt, having your ex back is very possible in such situations.
2. He didn't completely cut ties.
When you're dating someone, both of you get engulfed in each other's lives. Depending on how far down the road you are, you may have met each other's friends and families. It's hard after a breakup, especially when you already have a handful of mutual ties. The truth is, when there's that real sense of finality, we tend to go splitsies on mutual friends and we also cut ties with most family members; because let's face it, anything else would be a bit too awkward.
There's that rare case where even after a breakup, you realize that he has not cut off ties with mutual acquaintances and your family. He still talks to them frequently and shows up at your hang out spots. Even more, he shows up at family functions and comports himself.
If you find that your ex is doing this, then honey, he is not over you. This is a situation that is quite easy to question but don't confuse yourself, it'll be obvious if he wants you back. He'll try his very best to act normal around you, and in most cases, it's not as if he sees you as ‘just a friend'.
In his own way, he wants to let you know how much you mean to him; maybe he still has love for you, and he hasn't given up on the relationship and your life together.
3. He keeps trying to trigger flashbacks.
Memories are powerful, that's a fact and not just a statement. Many of us have been spurred to make both great and sub-par decisions based on mere memories. This may sound a bit weird, but if this man is in love with you and wants you back, he's going to use the memories of good times against you.
So, let's say both of you are on talking terms now. It all started with a call asking for a friend's number and has slowly graduated. You'll notice that as the conversations become more frequent, he'll start trying to inspire flashbacks. There will be a whole lot of talk about all the fun and goofy things you did together.
He'll occasionally throw in the romantic times you experienced and by the time you know it, you're straight-up living in the past. Remembering how great it was when it all started often grounds people and shows them what they'll be missing. So, if he's laying all those lines down, best believe that he wants you to be his woman again.
Think about it for a second, most of us don’t dig up stuff like that, just for the fun of it. It's basically a sign that he misses the relationship and is softening the ground for when he plans to really patch things up.
4. He tries to mend the rift.
When things go sour in a love relationship, it's not often you meet a man who's ready to get down to the nitty-gritty details to solve it. A lot of people as a whole, tend to glaze over the cause of the disagreement, before moving on. This is the equivalent of sweeping all the dust under the carpet.
Sweetheart, all that dust is still there and it'll end up choking the life out of your relationship. Let's face it as a woman, you probably want to be all over that problem. You are not happy being alone and you want to talk about your feelings and his feelings as well, but this is not always a luxury you get.
In the case that he's ready to sit down and really get to the bottom of what went wrong, then you've got yourself a keeper (who also wants to be kept). Many people use this stage of communication as an avenue to point fingers and play the blame game.
Nevertheless, if he's ready to put all the negativity aside and just speak to you, please give him that chance. The mere fact that he's willing to do that means that you've got yourself a unicorn.
Either way, while you're talking things through, his mannerism and his words will let you know if he truly wants to understand what went wrong.
5. He makes an effort to change.
Change is a hard thing to do in life. It's a painful experience and you're not likely to find that many people willing to change for your benefit. So, let's say that you've sussed it out with the former mister, observe his behavior as well. Now, this does not have to even have to be after having a talk. Especially in the case that you're both still running in the same circles, you're bound to notice some subtleties.
Let me paint a clear picture here, let's say that a major point of contention was the fact that he did not remember special dates and engagements. Let's also say that after the breakup, he still calls to wish your cat a happy birthday, or to congratulate you on the anniversary of the day you got bangs, he's trying to change. It may not be in a big way, but the fact he's putting in some sort of effort really counts for something. That, on its own, is a major sign that he might still love you; you're still on his mind and he's trying to win you back.
A piece of advice I have for you regarding this stage, woman to woman, is simply to observe. Don't jump right back on that wagon immediately because it could end up being a grenade. Try to be somewhere in between aloof and eager while you observe to see if the change is permanent or just a ruse.
6. He cannot keep his hands off you.
If there's anything like a normal break up, in most cases the parties involved are not in a rush to get physical. I'm not just talking about sex, things like holding hands, hugging, kissing and the rest are also off the table. So, it may be awkward if your ex suddenly lunges in for a hug now and then. If he's ready to endure this awkwardness just to give you a hug, then there's a fat chance he wants you back.
It's not just hugs though, he may look for excuses to touch your hand. He may reach out to tuck a loose strand of hair behind your ear or grab your hand when you're at the zebra crossing. For sure, if you're old enough to be in a relationship, you're old enough to cross the road on your own. So, that's just an excuse to touch you and be close to you. It's also a sure way to trigger memories of how close you were.
You see, touch is a very powerful thing and plays a huge role in relationships as a whole. So, if you find that he's still all over you after the break-up, that man wants you and the relationship back. Trust me, men are not that complicated after all.
7. The compliments keep rolling in.
For the most part of it, you can really tell if someone wants you back by what they say. If he's bitter, aloof and can't get a good word out where you're concerned, then he's a lost cause. But, if he's still looking for ways to pay you compliments here and there, it's not over just yet. It could be anything from a new hair-do to a new pair of shoes. If he not only notices it but pays you a compliment, he is definitely on his way back to you.
Saying lovely things about you simply means that he's trying to get in your good books once again.
If he's on that boat, then he'll notice a whole lot about you. It'll be just how it was in the beginning, with him noticing even the most subtle changes. In this case, he's simply trying to make you feel at ease with him again. He's also trying his very best to make you feel special and wanted. Only a cruel person would do all of this with no end in sight. In most cases, it's a major sign that he wants you back in his life.
8. He does not return your things.
A defining point in most breakups is when you both exchange belongings that you left in each other's houses. He returns your toothbrush, your shampoo, towel, and other things. While, you return that cute t-shirt you converted to a nightie, his shaving cream and so much more.
If you've mustered up the courage to give him back his things, yet he hasn't as much as returning the hair you left in his brush, get ready for him to come back. That man is not ready to live in a world that you aren't a part of. For that reason, he'll hold on to all the belongings you left in his possession.
There's also a sort of finality that comes with exchanging items and belongings. If your ex is not ready to let go, then there's the possibility you guys still have a future together. He may not straight up come out to tell you this, but actions will always speak louder than words. So, if that exchange of belongings has not happened just yet, best believe that there will probably be no need for that in a couple of weeks.
9. He straight up tells you he's sorry.
Saying the words ‘I'm sorry' does not come easy for most people especially when it counts the most. Sure, they'll be the first to blurt out the words when you trip or when coffee spills on your dress. But when it comes to complicated, messy aspects of life, people aren't so swift to say apologies. So, if he straight up comes out to say he is sorry about the whole mess that led to the break-up, he probably wants you back.
Why do I say ‘probably'? Well, in some cases, he just wants to rid himself of past negativity so he can move on with his life. Whatever the case is, your gut will clue you in. At that point, your sole responsibility is to be truthful to yourself when reading these signs. Try your very best to see exactly what is in front of you and nothing more.
Who really knows? As women and humans in general, we like to be in control for the most part of it. Unfortunately, life is as unpredictable as can be, all we can do is hope for the best in every situation. While I may not be able to definitively tell you if he’ll come back, the signs will be there. If you notice a handful of the earlier mentioned signs then your happily ever after is well on the way.
In most cases, if you leave him alone and gave him space, he will find his way back to you. The thing is, once in a while, you need to give someone enough room to realize that they need you in their life. If that does not work, then best believe that you can do a lot better.
That is quite relative, in some cases, being apart can cause the heart to grow fonder. If you leave him alone, this will make your man value you and the relationship a lot more when he’s had a taste of what life is like without you. What’s more, if he realizes that he wants you back, you'll see it in his actions. In that case, it's pretty much a great idea to keep trying.
In the case that all the distance is doing nothing to remedy the situation, it’s time to move on. Truly assess the situation, the truth is that women always know when to move on. Your gut is your best friend at this point in time and you will know when it’s time to leave him and his antics alone.
This is a question that you simply cannot escape after a breakup. Sometimes, you want this person back so much that you find it hard to breathe. Acting out on this feeling is not the way to have you both back together. So, what's the right way to go about this?
The answer is simple; leaving him alone whilst you live your life will make him feel you are not bothered. There is no need to weave any elaborate master plans, to be frank. Simply be the best version of yourself and do not break under the weight of the breakup. That’s very attractive and is a proven way to get someone back.
Oh, what doesn’t it do? The silent treatment is a powerful weapon of war and it has wrecked many men. As a woman, you need to know how to harness its power, When done right, silence can really put things in perspective.
Silence, after all, is a form of communication and if you leave him alone. It'll give him time to really sort out his feelings and in turn, let you know what his stand is. So, don't go yimmering and yammering, trying to get to the bottom of everything just a day after the break-up of the relationship. Let him breathe and it's sure to help him see a lot clearer.
On A Final Note
I really hope something in my article spoke to you and I hope you found yourself a loophole or your one true love found his way back to a relationship with you. At the very least, I hope this was informative and gave you the insight you need to pull yourself through.
For the most part of it, these signs point to the fact that men very often do come back to women. So, if you found this useful, or know someone who is having a similar relationship problem, will pass it on? Share the love, share the information (even with men) and the universe will send something great your way. Even better, post a comment below your opinion is highly valued.
As hopeless romantic I struggled tremendously in my love life. After many years of searching, trial & error, and countless failed relationships, I finally found my Mr. Right. It wasn't an easy road, but one that has taught me an incredible amount about the workings of relationships between men and women, and this is what I hope to share through my writing on this blog.