Are you in a long-term relationship but have feelings for someone else? This is a normal thing that happens to many people when in relationships. This is because we crave variety, different things in our lives from time to time. It doesn’t mean you are a bad person or anything like that; it just means that someone else has caught your eye.
Now, if you act on your temptations and cheat on your partner, you are welcoming a whole host of potential problems into your relationship. You may find it more beneficial to break up with your current partner and take the time you need to recover from that relationship. Then, once you are ready and have closure, you can pursue the new object of your desire.
If you know what you want to do already, that is a good thing! You have made up your mind; now, you just need to take action! If you don’t know what you want to do yet, you may find this post to be a lot of help! In either situation, I’ll guide you through the choices and actions you should take next! Are you ready? Let’s go!
- 1 If You Don’t Know What You Want To Do…
- 1.1 1. Think about how you feel about your partner
- 1.2 2. Make a pros and cons list for your partner
- 1.3 3. Make a pros and cons list for the other object of your desire
- 1.4 4. Weigh each item on each list
- 1.5 5. Decide if that’s really what you want to do
- 1.6 6. If you still feel confused, talk to a therapist
- 1.7 7. Let your partner know of your decision
- 1.8 8. Close the chapter with the other person
- 1.9 9. Don’t tell them about each other
- 1.10 10. Feel confident with your choice
- 1.11 11. Focus on the future
- 2 If You Want To Be With Someone Else…
- 2.1 1. Talk to your new love about his feelings for you
- 2.2 2. Decide if he really wants to be with you
- 2.3 3. Talk to your partner about your feelings and decision
- 2.4 4. Be clear that your long-term relationship is over
- 2.5 5. Exchange your belongings with your now ex-partner
- 2.6 6. Stop all contact with your now ex-partner
- 2.7 7. Delete his contact information from your phone
- 2.8 8. Delete him from your social media accounts
- 2.9 9. Feel confident with your decision
- 2.10 10. Talk about your future with your new partner
- 3 If You Want To Stay With Your Partner…
- 3.1 1. Do not tell your partner about the other person
- 3.2 2. Determine what problems exist in your relationship
- 3.3 3. Talk to your partner about your problems
- 3.4 4. Consider going together to couples counseling
- 3.5 5. End all contact with the other person to avoid temptation
- 3.6 6. Be happy and confident with the decision you’ve made
- 4 FAQs
- 5 To Summarize
If You Don’t Know What You Want To Do…
1. Think about how you feel about your partner
As you are trying to decide what to do, you may want to think about the feelings you have for your partner. Ask yourself a number of questions. What kind of feelings did you use to have for your partner? What kind of feelings do you have now? What has changed, and why has there been a change in your feelings?
What do you think about your current relationship? Are you happy? If not, what changed in your relationship? What do you think your partner feels for you? Do you think he has fancied someone else from time to time? Is the relationship beyond repair? Do you think you could talk things over with your partner and work it all out?
Think long and hard about each question, and get creative coming up with your own questions about your feelings and what you think about your current relationship. It’s important that you brainstorm as much as possible during this step.
2. Make a pros and cons list for your partner
What are the good reasons that make you want to stay with your partner? What reasons make you want to get out of the relationship? What are his positive traits? What are the benefits of staying in the relationship? What are the drawbacks? Why do you think you have found someone else attractive while in a relationship with your partner?
Be all-inclusive when you create a list of all of the pros and cons. Don’t worry about the fact that some pros are minor, while others are very big! It will all be worked out in another step. Just create the list for now. As a side note, you should keep this private. You don’t need anyone stumbling upon this list as you come up with your choice.
3. Make a pros and cons list for the other object of your desire
Now, you will create the same list you did in the last step, but this time, think about the person you are crushing on. What desirable traits does she or he have? Why do you have a crush on him or her? Do you think it is true love? Could it grow into a real relationship? Does he or she love you as well? What are your feelings for him or her?
Again, be all-inclusive when you create this list. Even the most minor disadvantage or con counts! Just list them out, and we will sort through them next! It’s important to brainstorm and come up with everything that comes to mind when you create these lists. Crush your brain! Anything that comes to mind is relevant! It’s okay if it sounds dumb!
Maybe you feel like his way of speaking is very annoying. Did you always think that? Is this just bothering you today? Did you notice it before? It’s okay! List it! You came up with it, so it goes down on the page. You will want to include even the smallest thing in the world on your list. It needs to have everything possible in order to be effective!
4. Weigh each item on each list
Now is the time to weigh each item on each list. This system has been a proven method for making decisions for me! It works every time because my true desire shines through on paper as I weigh each item on the list. When you look at the results, you will be shocked to learn that one decision outweighs the other by a good margin!
Your list might have things like I can’t stand to be in the same room as him anymore, I am tired of the silence, and I don’t like his cologne. Yes, the last one is silly, but it’s important that you get my point. Now, let’s say the first item gets a “10” on the importance scale since you need to be able to be in the same room with him!
The second one might have a “7” attached to it, and the cologne item may have a “5” listed next to it because it really bugs you. What counts is what matters the most to you. Now, your list of cons is equal to 22 points. If your list of pros is only 10 points, you don’t really need to think too hard about what to do next.
Your cons are more than twice your pros! Make the same weights to your pros and cons list for your affair partner that you did for your relationship partner. You will start to see the signs very clearly; they will point you in one direction or another. You may see that you need to leave your relationship in more than one way!
The evidence isn’t presented through math, though. It’s presented by the facts as they relate to your feelings! If you really want to do something, you will tip the scales in that side’s favor. Trust me; this has worked for me time and time again. I think you will find it to be a useful tool, something you can use in all walks of life!
5. Decide if that’s really what you want to do
Now that you have the facts to support one choice, determine if you can stand that choice or if it’s not really what you want to do with your love life. Which decision will make you happiest? What do you want to do, deep down inside your soul? Ask yourself these questions as you observe the facts that you have just prepared for yourself!
6. If you still feel confused, talk to a therapist
It’s always a good idea to get help from a professional if you still feel like the decision of what to do with your love life is too difficult. They often have the right tools, techniques, and recommendations that can help you that you just cannot find elsewhere. Alternatively, you can check out some great therapy videos online.
Just make sure you get the help of someone who is very reputable, trustworthy, and an authority on the subject they are speaking about. You want to get the help of an expert if you are going to trust someone with your love life, a qualified individual who can help guide you in the right direction. Otherwise, you might just want to flip a coin!
7. Let your partner know of your decision
If you have decided to leave the person you are in a relationship with, you should let them know. Don’t just cheat on them; be upfront and honest. You don’t need to share the details about how you arrived at this decision, but you should be honest in the fact that you no longer wish to be with them.
8. Close the chapter with the other person
It’s a smart idea to stop seeing or being around the person you have a crush on if you have decided to stay with your partner. If you want out of your relationship, you owe it to your crush to end the relationship you had with your ex-lover. It’s only fair to end the contact you have with one individual, as you have chosen another.
9. Don’t tell them about each other
There’s no need to show your pick the list you created or even tell them about the other person. That will just hurt their feelings. It won’t help ease their pain either. You may just bring additional heartbreak to the picture by doing that.
10. Feel confident with your choice
You have made a wise decision, weighed your options carefully, and possibly seen a therapist about the issue. Feel confident that you have made the right choice, and move on with your life. You’ve done the best you could do at this point in time.
11. Focus on the future
Now is the time to think about the person you love. Do something fun with them, something that makes you feel alive!
If You Want To Be With Someone Else…
1. Talk to your new love about his feelings for you
Ask your new love how he feels about you. Find out what his intentions are. Does he want you in his life in the long run? What does he think about you? Does love exist?
2. Decide if he really wants to be with you
Make sure he wants to be with you as much as you wish to be with him! You would hate to throw away a relationship you care about for someone who isn’t even interested in having a partnership with you!
3. Talk to your partner about your feelings and decision
It’s not really fair to someone to cheat on them, so go ahead and end the relationship so that you can be with this new person. It may help to let them know how much you care about them and hope the best for their future.
4. Be clear that your long-term relationship is over
As you talk about his good qualities, you may confuse him. He may think that there is still a chance for the two of you to work things out. Ensure that you are clear that you have no intentions of working things out with him.
5. Exchange your belongings with your now ex-partner
It’s always a good idea to give your ex his stuff back and to get yours back from him. You may find it beneficial to get a third party involved with the swapping of belongings. Sometimes, this can make things easier because you have someone there to help stop any pointless arguing from starting or something like that.
6. Stop all contact with your now ex-partner
You may be used to talking to this person for hours at a time each night, but someone new is in your life now. You need to focus on that new person and cut ties with the old.
7. Delete his contact information from your phone
This will make it easier for you to not text him or call him inadvertently. You may do it without thinking about it, so go ahead and delete him from your phone. You might even want to block him if you find his texts and voicemails to be upsetting. It’s better to start a new relationship with a clean slate.
Again, this will make it easier for you to move on and find closure with your newfound interest. He’ll probably be grateful that you’ve done this, also!
9. Feel confident with your decision
Be sure of your decision. You didn’t make this decision with the flip of a coin. Instead, you thought long and hard about the choices you were making. Don’t allow yourself to feel too guilty over your choice because you did the right thing. Even if you don’t see the benefits right now, you will see them in the future when you are happier!
10. Talk about your future with your new partner
Now is the time to enjoy things with your new partner. What is something the two of you could do together to feel closer to one another? What about a mini-vacation? Consider finding a common interest that you could share with each other, something that makes both of you happy!
If You Want To Stay With Your Partner…
1. Do not tell your partner about the other person
If you’ve decided to stay in your long-term relationship, you should not tell your partner that you like a different person. Instead of helping things, you will just hurt their feelings. Just let him know that you have decided to recommit to the relationship or say nothing at all. If you like the way things are, you don’t have to voice your opinion.
2. Determine what problems exist in your relationship
If you were looking elsewhere for love, there might be a reason for that. Is there a problem in your relationship? Is there something that is bothering you about your lover? Do you think the two of you need to talk things out? Figure out what you would want to say before launching a big discussion!
3. Talk to your partner about your problems
You have determined what the problems are. Now is the time to discuss these issues. You don’t want to just wait and see if things will magically change on their own without any intervention. Instead, you should work together to improve the relationship.
4. Consider going together to couples counseling
If you cannot resolve things on your own, you may benefit from seeing a therapist. If you can get your lover to go with you, that is even better. A qualified expert can help the two of you “like” each other again if there is serious discord in the relationship. It might help to make a list of problems or concerns before you see a therapist.
It’s a really great idea to see if your lover will go with you because he can weigh in and list any problems he has with you. He can also hear the advice that’s given by the therapist rather than hear it from your mouth later on. It’s much easier to take the advice of a third party than it is to listen to your mate. Try going together as a team!
If he won’t go with you, you might want to still go alone. You could really benefit from the expert advice. You could even ask for advice on how to relay this information to your lover if you are not sure how well he will take it coming from you. Maybe write down what the therapist says so that you aren’t tongue-tied later on. Take a little notebook!
5. End all contact with the other person to avoid temptation
As your therapist will probably advise, you should end all contact with the person you “like” on the side. It’s a good idea to just delete them from your phone. If you think they might contact you, you should go ahead and block them from your cell. You don’t need your mate asking questions about who this person is and why they are contacting you.
6. Be happy and confident with the decision you’ve made
You did not make this choice lightly, did you? You should be confident in your choice. You did the best you could in weighing all of your options when you made your decision. If you need to later feel more comfortable with your choice, whip out your list of pros and cons! I would just recommend that you be careful with that piece of paper!
You wouldn’t want your lover getting his hands on it by accident. Wouldn’t you rather tell him yourself if you have decided to end things? Just keep it to yourself in a private location! Feel positive, knowing that you have done everything in your power to come up with the best choice for your life. You did well! You should be proud of yourself!!
Yes, this is a very normal thing to happen when in a long-term relationship. You may find another guy or another person who gives you more time and attention than the person you are with does. These feelings are normal, and you should follow your heart.
You need to break things off with the person you are in a long-term relationship with. It’s not fair to stay in a long-term relationship if you are interested in someone else. Maybe you will find that this new person makes you happier and more joyful than your partner did.
It depends on how serious your feelings are. Are you head over heels in love with someone else, or is this just a crush? You may find that you could be a lot happier with another person than you would be staying in your long-term relationship.
Men fall in love with women for all sorts of reasons. Some men enjoy a woman who is very intellectual or street smart. They want someone they can have intellectual conversations with, a person who is capable of thinking for herself rather than being needy or dumb.
No, you should not. It’s important for each of us to take the time we need to get over our past relationships before moving on to a new one. It’s not a good idea to be with someone who does not have proper closure from their last relationship.
It’s very common to have feelings for someone who is not your partner when you are in a relationship for a long period of time. Are you experiencing anything like this right now? What is your stance on the subject? Please leave a comment, and share this post!
As hopeless romantic I struggled tremendously in my love life. After many years of searching, trial & error, and countless failed relationships, I finally found my Mr. Right. It wasn't an easy road, but one that has taught me an incredible amount about the workings of relationships between men and women, and this is what I hope to share through my writing on this blog.