My husband doesn't want babies, but I do. What should I do? You want a child, but your partner is against it? You want nothing more than a child – but your partner is against it? Especially in advanced age, this quickly becomes a real relationship problem. Because sometime beyond the age of 35 it says “Now or never!”.
It may be the perfect moment in your life for a baby, but your husband just doesn’t agree. Perhaps your situation is just right, your university studies have been completed, your financial situation is better than ever and you have had sufficient life experience to know that you are ready for the next stage in your life. But what to do if the partner refuses to agree?
Some things that you can do in this situation involve finding a solution together with your partner through conversation, you may find out where the fears and reservations come from and manage to overcome them. You may also waive the idea of a child for the sake of your partner, as you might be risking your relationship by having a baby if your partner feels overwhelmed.
- 1 My Husband Doesn’t Want Children: What To Do About It
- 1.1 1. Find Out The Reason Behind It
- 1.2 2. Consider Couples Therapy
- 1.3 3. Don’t Ignore How You Feel
- 1.4 4. Be Open And Honest With Each Other
- 1.5 5. Find A Solution Together
- 1.6 6. Consider Whether A Compromise Is Possible
- 1.7 7. Think About Separation Or Divorce As A Last Resort
- 1.8 8. Remember To Not Impose Anything On Your Partner
- 1.9 9. Consider Having A Child Without A Man
- 1.10 10. Think About What You Really Want
- 1.11 11. Consider Your Living Situation
- 1.12 12. Think About Adoption Or Fostering As An Option
- 2 FAQs
- 3 To Sum It Up…
My Husband Doesn’t Want Children: What To Do About It
To hear that your partner does not want to have a child with you is, of course, hurtful at first. It is important that you seek to have a conversation with him and rather than just leaving the situation ignored. Many men feel fundamentally overwhelmed by the thought of having a child at any time in their lives. Nevertheless, quite a few will later become loving and responsible fathers.
So, it's best to come back to the topic in a quiet moment when it is just the two of you. Try not to blame your partner or pressure him so you can really find out what's behind his refusal. The worst thing that can happen to you is that your husband tells you that he is simply not sure enough about you and your relationship. Should you separate or stay together?
If you've been together for a long time, you are actually facing a major problem. In such a situation, many couples seek help from a couple’s therapist, together or separate. If your relationship is still new, your partner's hesitation is, of course, understandable. In this case, you are asked to exercise a little patience so that love, trust, and the desire for a baby can grow.
1. Find Out The Reason Behind It
Mostly there is something else behind it. Perhaps your partner is simply afraid of losing freedom, money, and social status through having a baby. Men, in particular, who are more materialistic, sometimes believe that they do not need any offspring for their happiness in life. They think they have got it all already, and kids may ruin what they have in their life now.
It is difficult when only one partner wants a baby. It can be difficult to overcome the reasons your partner may have for not wanting children. The most common are reasons against having children include: financial problems, fear of responsibility, fear of changes in the relationship, fear of the mother or father role, conflicts with work, and career.
Another possibility is that your boyfriend or husband is simply afraid that they will not be good enough as a father. This is especially true for people who have grown up in unhappy families or who have experienced difficult life crises, as they may not trust themselves to be able to take good care of children. It also becomes problematic if one of the two partners already has children from a previous relationship and does not want to have any more children for financial or personal reasons.
2. Consider Couples Therapy
Couples therapy helps with anxiety and fears about having kids. This is where a couple's counseling can help to alleviate the concerns that your spouse may have for not wanting kids. Your partner's fears are understandable, but they should not determine your future together and prevent you from starting a happy and stable family yourself.
If all efforts and going to counseling do not help you or your situation, all you have to do is listen deeply and make a decision yourself: What is more important to you, having the baby or your marriage? If the desire to have children is very strong, it makes sense to think about whether your life plans really fit together and whether it is a deal-breaker.
A couples therapist that you trust will be happy to advise you in a personal conversation and, in case of doubt, mediate between you and your partner. Sometimes professional help like couples therapy is a good way to figure out a solution to your situation. The therapist, as an independent third party, can support you both in the decision-making process and point out solutions.
3. Don’t Ignore How You Feel
The lack of desire to have children can come from either spouse in a marriage and can often be a deal-breaker if your life goals don’t align. If the topic of wanting children appears in the relationship, but the woman or the man does not want to, the other partner often feels alone. It can be a very difficult situation for one spouse to want kids while the other doesn’t.
It is important in this situation that you don’t ignore how you feel. If your husband has mentioned that he doesn’t want kids at all then it is important that you take this to heart and don’t convince yourself that he may change his mind in the future, as this is not guaranteed. You need to figure out what is more important to you, your marriage, or having kids.
If your spouse is not sure about whether he wants kids in the future then he may have a change of heart later on. However, if you are sure that you really want kids straight away, it may be necessary for you to walk away from this guy despite the love that you have for him. Don’t ignore how you feel if your aspirations just don’t align.
4. Be Open And Honest With Each Other
In general, openness is the right way to deal with this type of situation. Address the topic specifically and discuss it objectively, together. If your partner is against having a baby, talk about his reasons together. It is important that you approach the topic in a realistic way. Try to take your partner's arguments seriously and understand them and remember you love him.
It is important in this situation that you are able to be completely open and honest with each other. Take time to talk about every aspect of this situation in a calm and mature manner. It is important that no one holds something back in this conversation.
5. Find A Solution Together
The lack of a spouse’s desire to have children can be solved together in many cases. Think together about the problems and issues that can arise from having a baby and look for ways to resolve the situation. Talking to friends and relatives who are already parents can also help. In a stable relationship, you will almost certainly come to a healthy decision together.
It is important to remember to accept the decisions that you have made together. No matter what the decision is, it is important for the future of your partnership that both partners now adhere to it. If the woman was able to convince the man about the desire to have children or vice versa, both should fully support it. Don’t blame your partner either.
Even if the decision is made against having a baby, both parties must be willing to accept this without reservation. Otherwise, a one-sided desire to have children becomes an underlying conflict that destroys the partnership from within. It can create resentment that may grow and never go away and ultimately cause the end of your relationship.
6. Consider Whether A Compromise Is Possible
Deciding whether to have children is often a serious problem and compromises are not always possible. In some cases, it may be possible to come to a compromise, whether this is waiting a few more years until you both feel like you are ready to have children or waiting until you have saved enough money to afford to support a family.
Many partners forego the baby in favor of the relationship and pay a high price in the long term. After all, a one-sided desire to have children for many years can cause depression and sadness. If you have given up on the idea of having a baby, the desire may never go away. Therefore a compromise is rarely a good and lasting solution.
The situation is different, for example, with the number of children or when the second baby is planned. Couples have much greater freedom of choice on these questions. It may be that you come to a compromise to decide to have three children instead of four or you decide to wait a few more years until you have your second baby.
7. Think About Separation Or Divorce As A Last Resort
As hard as it sounds, if the desire to have children is one-sided, your only option may end up being separation or divorce. If you have decided for yourself that children absolutely belong in your life, then you need to stand by it as you may never be happy otherwise. If your partner is still undecided after your discussions, give him and yourself time to think.
Let the topic rest for a few months or half a year and then talk again about your desire to have children. If the partner still does not want to have a baby, then separation from this partner is a realistic step that you should seriously consider. This decision is also serious and rarely reversible. Therefore, separation from your partner should always be the last option.
Don’t make this decision lightly and make sure that you have tried every other option before you come to this. However, if you know that you will never be happy if you can’t start a family, and your partner is adamantly against having a baby, it may be your only option.
8. Remember To Not Impose Anything On Your Partner
Unilateral desire to have children can lead women to take drastic measures. Some try to force their partner to be happy. They simply take contraceptives such as pills or spirals and let nature run its course. Once the baby is on the move, the rest will find each other. This solution is extremely risky because the partner feels rightly deceived and surprised by this way of doing things. Such a breach of trust usually also leads to a relationship crisis or a separation.
Instead, make yourself clear that a one-sided desire to have children is a serious conflict in your life and draw your conclusions if necessary. If you would go so far as to simply have a baby secretly, it is advisable to rethink the status of your relationship in general.
9. Consider Having A Child Without A Man
Many women think about fulfilling their desire to have children without a man. Getting pregnant without a man in your life can be scary, but single women today have options. Most women would certainly want their children to grow up in a stable family, but many find a way to support a family without a spouse.
More and more women who have not found a suitable partner or who simply prefer the freedom of single life are now choosing to have a baby on their own. If you have your own income and a lot of self-confidence, there is nothing to stop you from fulfilling this desire.
If you know that you will never be happy unless you have a baby then this may be an option for you. If your man wholeheartedly refuses to have a child with you, then this may be something that you should look into.
10. Think About What You Really Want
Today, the desire to have kids as a single woman is much easier to realize than ever before. However, the decision needs to be carefully considered if the support of a partner is missing because where two people would otherwise have taken care of the baby, the single mother is alone. A stable job and a good financial situation that can help in the event of unemployment should therefore exist.
At home, too, you can quickly become overwhelmed if there is no partner to help out or take over childcare if you are busy with work. Consider whether your parents are ready to step in as babysitters from time to time or to pick up the baby from the nursery in the evening when you are still at work? Do you have sisters or good friends with young kids who could occasionally look after your baby?
11. Consider Your Living Situation
Think about your living situation, as a single woman, you need less space for yourself than as a mother with a child who will eventually need a room of their own. Can you afford to move to a larger apartment, or would you be willing to move to a smaller city with cheaper housing for the sake of it?
It is possible to have a child as a single woman without a man and to realize the pregnancy as long as it can be as healthy and safe as possible for the mother and unborn child. If your living situation is suitable and you are in a healthy financial situation then your desire is a possibility. Make sure you have thought long and hard about it before you make any decisions.
12. Think About Adoption Or Fostering As An Option
Consider this advice if you want to have a child without a man, but you don’t want to get pregnant without a spouse, the possibilities include adoption or taking in a foster child. This is another option if you feel like you want kids whether you have a spouse or not.
If your husband does not want kids it is important to find out whether he is just not ready, or he knows for sure that he never wants kids. Perhaps he has kids from a different marriage and he knows that he will never be ready to have any more. In this situation, you may either have to choose between your marriage and wanting kids.
If you don’t want kids but you know for sure that your husband does, it is important that you tell him how you feel. If you love him, you want him to be happy. It is highly important that you don’t keep this a secret but that you are open and honest with him about how you feel. This is not something that you can keep hidden from your spouse, no matter what.
Most people don’t regret having kids. However, it is important to think carefully about your situation before you decide to have kids. Make sure that you are in a secure place financially and that you have enough life experience to be ready. If your spouse does not want kids, pressuring him into having them will likely not help your situation.
If your spouse doesn’t want to get married it is important to remember that it is likely not because he doesn’t love you as much as you love him. He may not want to get married because of previous bad divorces, family members going through bad separations, or other personal reasons for being against marriage, but you probably can’t force him to change his mind.
If a man wants you to have his baby it means that he wants kids and he is ready to start a family with you. Make sure that you are ready before you decide anything and don’t feel pressured to rush into anything that you don’t feel comfortable with. If you want kids then this is a perfect situation for both of you.
To Sum It Up…
“My husband doesn’t want a baby, but I do.” You may be wondering what to do in this situation. It is important to remember that there are things that you can do in this situation. You need to figure out whether your husband’s fears can be overcome by taking the advice of a therapist or simply giving him more time to come around to the idea.
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As hopeless romantic I struggled tremendously in my love life. After many years of searching, trial & error, and countless failed relationships, I finally found my Mr. Right. It wasn't an easy road, but one that has taught me an incredible amount about the workings of relationships between men and women, and this is what I hope to share through my writing on this blog.