When some of us hear ‘we are codependent’, we immediately reject it for ourselves. No one wants to be tagged as codependent with anyone because they think it makes you feel weak and fragile.
But the truth still remains that most of us are still codependent, which doesn't mean you are weak or can't be on your own. In most cases, all you need to do is identify the problem and stop being codependent.
Codependency is when you are in an unhealthy relationship, and you seek provision from your man in everything; from the way you look, your happiness, finances, peace of mind, and more. This is very unhealthy for you.
I know you probably didn't plan to have a codependent behavior in your relationship, but yes, things happened. You became tired of personal approval that you now seek support from your man. Knowing that you have a codependent behavior is a very significant step in overcoming codependency.
Learning and trying to overcome codependency isn't as easy as people say it is, and it might take a long time. But never give up; it's better you stop being codependent now than losing yourself completely.
f you don't know how to, then don't worry too much you are in the right place. I will be telling you how to stop being codependent. Here are 17 ways on how to stop being codependent
- 1 17 Ways To Stop Being Codependent
- 1.1 1. Understand what it means to be codependent
- 1.2 2. Being supportive is different from codependency
- 1.3 3. Who is the priority
- 1.4 4. Notice your life pattern
- 1.5 5. Codependent relationships have led to several unhealthy relationships
- 1.6 6. Boundaries
- 1.7 7. Listen
- 1.8 8. It's okay to say no
- 1.9 9. You can't control others
- 1.10 10. Ask yourself questions
- 1.11 11. Let the support you offer be healthy
- 1.12 12. Value yourself
- 1.13 13. Therapy session
- 1.14 14. What are your needs
- 1.15 15. Cancel negativity
- 1.16 16. Take care of your health
- 1.17 17. Stay around people that treat you properly
- 2 FAQs
- 3 In Conclusion
17 Ways To Stop Being Codependent
1. Understand what it means to be codependent
If you want to stop something, you need to first understand what codependency means. It’s not just stressing to help a loved one or always needing them around. It’s not just about the sacrifices you are willing to make for them; it is making your relationship, partner, friends, or family members the priority over yourself.
You need to be sure of what you are doing before taking any step. Codependency, when assumed wrongly, has broken a lot of relationships.
2. Being supportive is different from codependency
There is a thin line between being supportive in a healthy manner and being codependent, and you must know the difference. It’s cool to want to support your partner in whatever they are going through but supporting someone is different from taking over the issue and controlling them.
Instead of helping out, you want to take the lead and just be in front of the situation like it’s your burden to carry. If you continually do this, your partner may just leave all the work to you and just feel less concerned, which is really bad for your relationship.
3. Who is the priority
You or your boyfriend, your husband, your friend, or your family? It’s normal to help and be concerned about the people in our lives. Sometimes, we all get to the point where we have to make sacrifices no matter how hard for the people that we love.
But as much as we do this, don’t be so preoccupied with the behavior and well being of others that you become in charge of their lives more than you are of your own life. This is because, at this point, codependency will take a great turn on your life.
Decisions and everything in your life shouldn’t depend on their feelings first; you must realize you have to come first to avoid codependency.
4. Notice your life pattern
Since you now know what it means to be codependent, you have to identify the recurring patterns in your life and relationships with others. Look at your past and present friendships, observe and compare your past and present relationships.
Old habits usually play out repeatedly unless you intentionally stop them, although it's not easy to break out of patterns. Well, these patterns become more comfortable to overcome once noticed.
5. Codependent relationships have led to several unhealthy relationships
There may not be codependency in a relationship, yet it is still unhealthy, but the most codependent relationship is harmful because there is contentment and comfort in a healthy relationship.
Lovers can compromise but still feel secure and free with each other. There is still hope for a codependent relationship; deliberate steps can be taken to make things better. No, it doesn't work for me.
It's okay to refuse something that doesn't go well with what you want. Make sure you don't always have to bend yourself and neglect your desires just to please your partner.
Setting boundaries for yourself is essential. It may not be easy to keep, but you will learn to stick with time.
It's even harder if you have been so used to putting others first without considering your own limits. But you must deliberately honor your own boundaries. Your peace of mind and values must be a priority
When you listen, your only intent should be to understand and be emphatic, Not to suggest a solution for the person hurriedly. Do not put yourself in the middle of the person and the problem. Let the person talk, vent. Just be a good listener and let him know that you will listen and feel what it feels.
Do not be fast to offer to fix the problem for him. He is an adult; he has a mind of his own. So he will surely find a way to fix the problem. And if he wants your help, let him then ask for it.
8. It's okay to say no
If you are going to refuse to help your partner out in something, be polite in your refusal. Don’t quarrel or fight. Let him know that it won't be convenient for you to help out or you cannot do what he is asking for. If something doesn't go well with you, make sure you refuse it. Just say “No, I don't want to.” It is a very valid reason.
9. You can't control others
You cannot control the things that someone else will do, but you can control yourself. So why not take charge of your life first before trying to control another? I know that if your validation comes from the ability to support your man and care for him, you may fall into a miserable space when you try to change.
Still, I also know that you can get into a bleak space when you struggle to control another person's life and it's not effective. When there is no change and your efforts were wasted, you can get pretty frustrated.
That's why it is just better to continually remind yourself that the only person you can control is ‘You'. Your first responsibility is to manage your behavior, actions, and reactions to avoid codependency.
10. Ask yourself questions
Before you do something for your partner, boyfriend, husband, friends, or family, ask yourself these questions. If I do these now, will I still be able to meet my own needs? Do I really want to do this, or do I just feel compelled to do it? Will doing this leave me drained? Why am I doing this? These questions aren't selfish. It's self-care, looking out for your own self because no one will do it better than you. So don't ever feel guilty in putting yourself first.
11. Let the support you offer be healthy
It's a fantastic thing to get to help your man. It leaves a sense of fulfillment. But never do it at the expense of what you really want and your happiness. If you are going to help out, let it be in a healthy space.
For example, you could listen to his fears and worries. Offer advice when asked and suggest ways to deal with things. Then step aside and discuss solutions with him rather than doing it for him. Being there for him and spending time to console him is a very supportive measure. In a relationship, people appreciate who they are to each other. It's not all about what they do for each other.
12. Value yourself
If you place value on yourself, you will not do a lot of things. Most times, codependence comes from the feeling of low self-esteem. When you think your worth and value are tied to the things you do for others.
But when you place value on yourself and know that your sacrifices towards others do not determine your self-worth, you will learn to express yourself, uphold your desires, set boundaries, and live right.
13. Therapy session
You’ve likely had this codependence lifestyle for the longest time to the point it’s so ingrained in you. Now, it’s as if that's your personality and behavior. You don't even see it as an issue. Even when you now see it as an issue, it becomes really hard to overcome because it's practically who you've become.
That's why you can consider seeing a therapist experienced in this field. A therapist can help you go through the process of identifying the behavioral pattern, boosting your self-esteem, exploring your personal needs, and reframing your mind and way of living.
14. What are your needs
You may have been codependent for the longest time that you have forgotten and neglected the things you really want and your desires. So, take a break and understand yourself and what you want. What do you want from life?
Think about your own desires and the things you need from life, excluding another person's desire or opinion. You can even take a notepad and jot them down. Write the specific things you want for yourself regardless of anybody's influence. Try out new things and explore your own world and interests. It may take a long time for you to develop these things, but that's okay, no rush.
15. Cancel negativity
Do away with any self critics or talking down on yourself. Don't let negativity into your energy. Sometimes, when you are trying to change, you will be discouraged at some point. You may even feel like a bad person for choosing yourself first, but don't let that negativity overwhelm you.
Keep telling yourself positive things like ‘I am an amazing person' ‘I'm doing my best to change and grow' ‘I deserve to explore my world and meet my own needs'. Just reaffirm yourself with some positive words, and you will be okay.
16. Take care of your health
Taking care of your health can help improve your total well being. It can boost your emotional health and give you stable feelings. Eat healthily, exercise regularly, drink a lot of water and sleep early. These are essential everyday tools that you deserve to meet up with.
17. Stay around people that treat you properly
I know that it's not easy to leave a relationship, but you deserve to be with someone who treats you properly. Someone who cares about your own needs and will not always manipulate you to meet their demands.
If a relationship is toxic, walk out of it. Stay around people that know your worth, and treat you accordingly. Spend less time around anybody that drains you emotionally or mentally. You must protect your space.
These include not being able to make your own decisions. Your feelings are unknown to you. You can't communicate effectively in your relationship. You are scared of being abandoned. You don't trust yourself or your judgment, so you believe others' judgment.
Firstly, you must realize you are codependent. Then, you can start working on yourself. But to do this, you must set boundaries. Setting boundaries has produced a lot of healthy relationships. If you don't set the right boundaries, you might not be able to leave your codependency state.
I gave 17 ways on how to stop being codependent. And as I said, don't be too hard on yourself when you are trying to stop. Realize this might take time, and give yourself all the time you need to overcome this phase of your life
This is when you lose yourself in your relationship. You don't value your own judgment. You seek approval from your spouse with every little thing. You no longer find happiness in yourself. You are dependent on your partner for everything.
Yes, you can, it is very possible. But you must be willing to help yourself. There will only be a problem when you don't want things to be better. All in the name of love and fear of the unknown. You must be willing to let go no matter the outcome.
I hope you found this article helpful. You must know that nobody wants a codependent relationship with another person. You must learn to love yourself and come first before anyone. Don't get mad at yourself or give up. Rather try to be better.
Let me know what you think, and please don't forget to share this article with others.
As hopeless romantic I struggled tremendously in my love life. After many years of searching, trial & error, and countless failed relationships, I finally found my Mr. Right. It wasn't an easy road, but one that has taught me an incredible amount about the workings of relationships between men and women, and this is what I hope to share through my writing on this blog.