Just like the lovey-dovey stage of a relationship, growing apart is a phase that happens in relationships. No matter how much you love your spouse, there will always be a time when you experience a disconnect. Drifting away from one another is not a phenomenon that is limited to marriage only; all relationships face it.
Childhood friends drift apart, best pals lose touch, people move on, but in marriages, losing touch with a spouse isn’t acceptable. The good news is, it is not irreversible in a lot of cases. Getting the spark back may seem impossible, especially if your ‘situation’ could be synonymous with that of mere roommates, but I can assure you, it isn’t.
Unfortunately, there is no hard and fast way to fix it once and for all, it is a decision you have to keep making to keep the marriage fun and exciting. Not to worry though, with a little work and the following tips, you will be able to reconnect with your spouse in no time.
- 1 Tips To Keep The Intimacy Alive
- 1.1 1. Identify the reason behind the disconnect
- 1.2 2. Learn your spouse’s love language
- 1.3 3. Borrow a page from Fifty Shades of Grey
- 1.4 4. Spend more quality time together
- 1.5 5. Create a thing just for the two of you
- 1.6 6. Spice things up in the other room
- 1.7 7. Become more intentional in how you handle the little things
- 1.8 8. Adopt humor on your journey to reconnect
- 2 FAQs
- 3 To Conclude
Tips To Keep The Intimacy Alive
1. Identify the reason behind the disconnect
A diagnosis comes before treatment, I’m no doctor, but even I know that. Trying to get back to the way things were without first understanding how you got there is the same as using painkillers for a brain tumor. Sure, it might relieve you for a while, but how long before it wears off?
The first step in this quest of yours is to think about the time things started going wrong. Did you do something to your partner, or did he break your trust in any way? Sometimes, it is just an effect of that first thrill wearing off, but other times, it is because of something you did or both stopped doing.
Relationships have been known to suffer the excesses of a demanding job, raising children, among other life-consuming activities. Once you recognize why you haven’t been feeling particularly close to your spouse, you can carry on with the fix knowing it won’t be synonymous with pouring water into a basket.
2. Learn your spouse’s love language
Sometimes, the answer to how to reconnect with your husband is to simply listen. The disconnect may have been a consequence of one partner communicating with the other in a love language that isn’t theirs. In simple terms, a love language is a way an individual understands and prefers to receive affection from others.
Just as there are several languages in the world, there are different ways of expressing A love that each individual understands as well. However, unlike the gazillion tongues people currently speak the world over, emotional love languages are just five, according to seasoned marriage counselor Gary Chapman.
In his book, The Five Love Languages, Chapman explains that while there may be tons of variations as is in linguistics, all emotional means of communication fall within the umbrella of these five. Therefore, it is essential to understand what makes you tick emotionally, as well as your partner’s. Technically, you may not have been doing anything wrong, but if your way of showing affection doesn’t resonate with your partner, their emotional needs will remain unmet, and that leaves a gap that eventually causes a disconnect.
3. Borrow a page from Fifty Shades of Grey
Say what you will about Christian Grey, but that man knows his stuff when it comes to romance. I know what you were expecting when you saw Fifty Shades, but take your mind out of the gutter. I mean, feel free to dive deep if you want, but I think we can all learn a thing or two about how he makes routine things like ‘email’ exciting.
These days, there are more than enough texting mediums that are more direct and feel less impassive than sending mails, but maybe that is what makes it all the more exciting? If you want to spice things up, it’s time to dig deeper and think of one or two new ‘pick-up-lines’ that would put a smile on your partner’s face.
For me, the highlight of Christian and his partner Anastasia’s email exchanges is their snarky but sweet signatures. Try sending interesting mail to your spouse from time to time, even if it feels ridiculous at first. It may just be the spark that leads you both back to each other.
4. Spend more quality time together
It is easy to get carried away in life’s storms that your partner’s needs get pushed to the back. Marriages have been known to become even less romantic when kids enter the equation. Parenting is a full-time job, not to mention you probably have actual jobs that pay the bills, between other mundane activities that take your time.
These are important things that have to be done, but not at the expense of the person you started it all with. Let’s be real, you probably know how to reconnect with your spouse better than I; you are just not sure if your ideas are enough. Well, here is one, spend some quality time, however brief, with just him, away from your phones and the kids.
Couples who carve out time to focus on each other without interruption are more emotionally intimate and are at less risk of drifting apart than those who don’t. Securing a better future for yourselves and the kids is a noble thing, but those special moments you and your significant other get to yourselves amidst all that chaos, are sweet memories neither of
you will forget in a jiffy.
5. Create a thing just for the two of you
Having discussed the importance of quality time in a relationship, how then do you make it happen? By going back to the good old days that probably now feel like a lifetime ago. The simpler times when it was just you and your smitten lover getting to know each other. You make me feel like your too old for all that mushy stuff, but that doesn’t apply when it comes to love.
In that early stage of the relationship, most couples enjoy doing something with one another, so much that it becomes their thing. It is normal to have different interests with your partner. After all, you were two different people before you decided to become one. This is why when you finally find something you and your sweetheart like, you want to hold on to it.
Date/game nights or your song could be weird, but it’s your thing. If you’ve outgrown the crazy stuff you used to do with each other, like party crashing, leave them in the memories and create new ones. And if you and your partner don’t have anything like that, it’s never too late to form new ones. These are the things you sometimes remember that inspire you to fix what is bent or broken in your relationship.
6. Spice things up in the other room
Another simple answer to how to reconnect with your spouse is an improved level of sexual intimacy. Yes, you have sex with your partner from time to time, but how does that even compare to what you had before? Do both of you still bond in bed when you make love, or is it just something you both do to get a release at this point?
Speaking of the bed, have you considered taking things out of the bedroom to literally any other place sometimes? Again, you could learn a thing or two from E.L James, that’s the author of Fifty Shades, in case you didn’t know. Maybe the reason you and your spouse grew apart is that things have become monotonous in bed.
Spice your sex life up, switch it up from a routine to an adventure, according to this Fine Magazine article, increased intercourse in a loving relationship has many great benefits, not the least of which is creating a broader sense of intimacy. Keep things interesting in that area and see the broken bond naturally repair itself.
7. Become more intentional in how you handle the little things
Understandably, you expect our spouse to get why some things aren’t the way they should be. After all, you are both living through it together, and he probably does, even though he may not admit it. The mistake many of us make when this causes a disconnect is that we assume getting the spark back requires planning and serious gestures we have neither the time nor the luxury to afford.
This can be true if your go-to is buying expensive gifts or planning a lavish romantic getaway. However, you can achieve the same result by becoming more intentional with the little things. At the end of the day, the quality of your relationship is the total of the seemingly trivial things you both do.
On your path to rebuilding the bridge between you and your partner, learn to become more appreciative of their little efforts, and pay more attention to the tiny details, they don’t necessarily have to be verbal, just encouraging. An eye contact, a compliment, an unexpected hug, a pat on the back, or assistance they don’t need, can sometimes do more than grand gestures.
8. Adopt humor on your journey to reconnect
The things you used to find funny and cute when the relationship was new may have lost their effect on you, and that’s fine, but you need to start unwinding if you want a semblance of that early intimacy back. Not only is humor known to reduce stress in a relationship, but it can also be a disarming tool.
When things become tense, and all else fails, working through it becomes the only healthy option. There will be a time when you get so upset with your significant other, and talking about it seems unnecessary because it isn’t their first time doing something like that. Instead of letting things pile, a good joke may just serve as an ice breaker.
Of course, an ill-timed joke at a time you are flaring up can make things worse, but maintaining a good sense of humor in the heat of your annoyance can help you say otherwise difficult things and avoid the complications saying negative words might bring. Remember, couples who laugh together stay together, it may sound cliché, but it is true.
First, they have to understand what caused the rift, is it a result of a breach of trust, or did one person stop putting time and effort into the relationship because of work and other engagements? The answer to this will determine whether to give each other time to process or dedicate even more of it to making things work.
You can start by prioritizing your husband’s emotional needs again if you have been falling short in that regard. Address issues head-on rather than avoid them or let them pile, and while you are it, let him know what he could do better. Also, find out what his love language is and learn to communicate in it.
By slowly finding your way back to one another. Growing apart is an almost inevitable phase couples go through, but it is one that you can get back from with a little dedication on both sides. Admit your role in the disconnect and decide to do better henceforth, if all efforts fail, consider counseling.
Keeping it fresh and exciting is the key to getting the spark back in relationships whose lights are starting to dim. The lack of connection may be due to neglect, letting go a little too much, or not prioritizing your partner. So, spend quality time together, have more ‘alone-time’, just keep things real and interesting whatever way you know how to.
Learn to forgive and stop keeping scores of your spouse’s offenses. Research shows that couples who adopt the positive to negative interaction ratio of 5:1 are generally happier in their relationship. You can use conflict in your favor by consciously trying to balance every negative interaction you have with your partner with five positive ones. Not only will affection flourish, but your marriage will be generally happier for it.
All relationships have their highs and lows but applying the tips above help ensure yours doesn’t stay down for long. I tried to make this piece as enjoyable as it is educational. If this was just what you needed, imagine how many more ladies out there could use it? You can contribute by sharing the post right after you drop a comment below.
As hopeless romantic I struggled tremendously in my love life. After many years of searching, trial & error, and countless failed relationships, I finally found my Mr. Right. It wasn't an easy road, but one that has taught me an incredible amount about the workings of relationships between men and women, and this is what I hope to share through my writing on this blog.