Knowing how to get over cheating is pretty tough. No doubt, being cheated on by your partner is not cool – it’s that simple. And to make matters worse, the tornado of emotions that follows isn’t that easy to process. You will feel angry, sad, betrayed, embarrassed all at once.
With so many questions begging for answers like, ‘Was it you or him?’ A lot becomes unclear, but one thing is pretty certain at a time like this is, you need to toughen up and move on with your life.
Trust me, you can’t afford to remain in that state for too long. In fact, research shows that being cheated on can lead to some negative effects if not handled well and on time. And yes, I know, you are probably thinking, how can you move on when the zeal to do so is gone and all you just want is for it to be a bad dream you’ll suddenly wake up from.
- 1 How To Get Over Someone Cheating On You
- 1.1 1. Accept and deal with the emotions
- 1.2 2. Do not put the blame on you
- 1.3 3. Don’t dwell on the past.
- 1.4 4. Don’t try to get even
- 1.5 5. Drop the jealously
- 1.6 6. Think about what you want
- 1.7 7. Get your gang
- 1.8 8. Put yourself first
- 1.9 9. Don’t mount up high walls
- 1.10 10. Choose right this time
- 2 FAQs
- 3 Trust Me When I Say…
How To Get Over Someone Cheating On You
Well, I’ve been there. Yes – the same, betrayal, heart-breaking experience, and it wasn’t a walk in the park. But I managed to pull it off and came out a much better person – way better than before. Certainly, the zeal for life will return and you will feel like a new person. That’s why I’m positive the following steps will help you heal after being cheated on by your partner.
1. Accept and deal with the emotions
When your partner cheats, certainly, a rush of different, hard-to-deal with emotions will come to play. However, trying to avoid these feelings isn’t the way to go. You need to first come to terms that these feelings are neither strange nor exclusive to you and might be like this for a while
For example, after finding out your partner was unfaithful, it’s perfectly normal to feel angry, betrayed, disappointed, let down. Let’s face it, this is someone you trusted, not just with your heart but with your future. What’s more, you invested time, and perhaps some considerable amount of money. It hurts, of course, and the pain might not fade until for a while.
That being said, you can’t tuck-in these feelings by adopting a supposed quick-fix approach like heavy drinking, or excessive partying just to shift your mind off it. Don’t get me wrong, you could use the distraction on some occasions to lighten your mood but using it as your coping mechanism is a big ‘No’.
Therefore, rather than box-in all that painful emotions with constant mind-altering distraction, you need to approach it head-on. Allow yourself to comfortably talk about it, share with friends or family who are on your side, and would let you see things differently. Go ahead and experience the feelings, it’s one of the very first steps to healing.
2. Do not put the blame on you
Thinking you are the reason someone cheated on you is a very quick mistake a lot of people make. First, it’s normal to feel that you didn’t do enough or did too much which drove him into the arms of the other person. It happens when your mind flashes back on the times you shared together.
However, a man has got a thousand things going in his maze-like mind, therefore, you shouldn’t anchor his decision to cheat on how you look or how you dress. Perhaps, your feelings were telling you he is not attracted to you anymore; however, that’s still not your fault, that’s all him, allowing an external force influence his decision as a man.
Research shows that men cheat many times for reasons not related to their partner. Sometimes, it’s just fulfilling a fantasy, immaturity, unrealistic sexual expectations, childhood abuse and sometimes they are just downright selfish. Whatever the reason is, for hurting you, it’s not you. It’s that simple.
Heads up, don’t let your partner engulf your thoughts while trying to seek closure. Some men can get surprisingly creative when trying to justify infidelity. So, don’t make yourself your own enemy by accepting you are the cause of an infidelity you didn’t orchestrate. Blaming yourself can add more pain to the matter and make you feel jinxed. No doubt, you will carry these feelings into the next relationship.
3. Don’t dwell on the past.
I’m not going to lie to you, this is easier said than done. It’s not like the relationship was just two days old before your partner decided to cheat on you. When you’ve spent a good number of months or years with a person, it’s possible you will remember times shared together quite often.
It’s true that people are confusing, so dwelling too much on everything that happened may get you second-guessing everything. The reality is – it could be anything. Hence, trying to remember each conversation and wondering what you might have done differently to prevent him from cheating again will drive you crazy; subsequently prolonging the pain. Doing this is a sign you probably blame your self for his decision to cheat. Again, that’s a big No.
If there’s need for any re-examining everything that happened, it should be on the pointers you ignored while you in the relationship; hence, a self-examination of how the relationship wasn’t the best for you. Let all the other negatives remain in the past and focus on the future.
More so, get more involved with relationships with other people you’ve always known, i.e., friends and family. And if perhaps, you don’t have much going on at the moment, pick up something new and productive, start a new project, engage in something you find rewarding and gradually you’ll build your self again.
4. Don’t try to get even
There’s no doubt being cheated on by people causes pain but trying to get revenge is just simply low and will make things worse. It’s reeks of the pettiness, desperation and a lot of toxic energy. The sad part is, its unproductive, makes matters more complicated, and will ultimately drag those feelings of pain. It’s like the quick alcohol-fix I mentioned earlier. Getting even only gives you a moment of satisfaction leaving you with more bitterness and emptiness.
Furthermore, being vengeful keeps you in a state of anger, and the effect is that you’ll never move on. Even if you get into another relationship, there’s a high chance you vengeful state of mind will affect your new relationship because those ill feelings have not been dealt with and you never healed properly.
5. Drop the jealously
Jealousy can be a very strong emotion if you fuel it. Trust me, it doesn’t give room for rational thinking. When you are stuck in the “jealousy maze,” clear thinking becomes hard. The sad part is, you don’t know you are not thinking straight. In fact, jealousy can bring out the stalker in you if you allow it to consume you. I don’t need to tell you that’s not good.
The truth is, if you get tempted every now and then to get your CIA pants on, you’ll likely feel ashamed at some point. Hence why I advise refraining from cyber-stalking someone that doesn’t care about your feelings. Just as bad is comparing yourself to affair partner and wondering what she had that made you lose your man so easily without considering his 3-year old relationship.
That said; if you are going to get over your cheating partner, jealousy is something you need to kill – because a cheating partner is not worth all those bad feelings and energy you waste on him. Trust me, I know it’s not uncommon to feel a little jealous especially if he left with her after cheating on you. That’s why it’ll help a bit if you do away with social media; cut it off from your life for a while and all the hashtags you adopt to display an online ”I am better now.”
The thing is, once you realize he doesn’t care that he’s hurt you, he doesn’t regret his actions. He’s not also trying to explain. You’ll then realize there’s no point being jealous. Take it from me. It’s merely unproductive. Jealousy is just a poison you take, hoping for the other person to die.
6. Think about what you want
Knowing the next step to take after catching your partner in the webs of infidelity isn’t always easy. This is quite common when the relationship has seen a lot of good times over the years and you’ve never really thought of a scenario without him.
Also, I am sure you are probably not sure if you want to break up with him or you want to head to couples’ counseling and work out what you had before the relationship went downhill. These are the mind bugging questions that you might not have a definite answer for.
However, no matter the kind of advice you get, the things you want after the infidelity is all on you and not on other people. This is where your instincts come to play. You shouldn’t allow yourself to feel pressured into breaking up or remain with your partner. Rather, you must invest some time into knowing what you want, the decision must come solely from your heart.
7. Get your gang
Take it from me. This might not be the time to muscle it all alone in life. Being cheated on by a partner can make you feel isolated all of a sudden. Of course, you want to get over an ex who cheated, so it’s okay to ask for help. And no, it’s not a sign of weakness, rather, it’s the right thing to do.
What’s more, admitting you need help is a brave move on its own. So, you need all the help you can get. Now, go grab your best friend and other people close to you. The ones that will always have your back in life and will listen to you and whatever decision you chose to make. And if you feel you need professional help, do not hesitate.
Certainly, friends are great to lean on at this time. They are part of my support system and coping strategy. And it’s understandable that staying strong and trying to pull through everything you are going through at this time in your life won’t work if you do it alone. More so, if you surround yourself with people who love you, it’ll be a lot easier getting back on your feet.
8. Put yourself first
Infidelity can be life-changing. When you are in a committed relationship investing time and emotions, it’s only natural that your partner becomes part of your world. What infidelity does, is that it breaks the fabrics that hold that relationship firmly together. If you invested a lot, it could break some part of you.
A behavioral scientist from the University of Nevada conducted research on over 200 college students who had been cheated on in the last 90 days by their partner and whose relationships were not less than 18 months old. The aim was to get the effects of infidelity on their health.
The results were expected, emotional distress, alcohol dependency and development of an extreme eating disorder. Directly or indirectly, the main cause is blame perception which could be self-induced or partner-induced.
It is, therefore, wise to focus largely on yourself and not on your partner when trying to get over being on. Make a conscious effort to check up on yourself over a list of things to ensure you are not physically hurting in addition to emotional damage.
Here are some self-care pointers;
- Sleep properly (not induced sleep)
- Eating healthy, avoid binging to take your mind off issues
- Regular exercise
- Hangout with your friends
- Play the way you want
- Avoid addictive substances
- Reflect and meditate
9. Don’t mount up high walls
As the saying goes “once bitten, twice shy.” It’s quite normal to feel the need to protect yourself after being emotionally hurt. How do you even let someone else in again? Trusting someone, be it a long term partner or a new boyfriend with your heart was what got you here in the first place.
However, you won’t receive the love you deserve if you can never trust again. You know all men aren’t the same, you probably don’t just trust your self to make the right the decision yet. So, here are some of the ways you can help yourself emotionally.
Engage in a little reminiscent: Try to discover any red flags you missed while dating the partner who hurt you. This doesn’t mean dwelling on the past or trying to see what you could have done differently. It’s about deciphering what you now want in a new relationship by understanding why the previous one wasn’t right for you.
Trust starts with you: Getting you to believe and trust in yourself judgment again will help you open up and trust someone else. One major reason for not trusting one’s judgment is fear. Just build your confidence and self-worth and you’ll find that you can trust your gut feeling again.
Start Afresh: it’s better not to place the new guy on the template of the one who cheated. Yeah, I know it’s terrifying to just let your guard down completely, so it’s okay if you want to take baby steps until you are ready to fly.
10. Choose right this time
If you’ve read this far and you’re still asking yourself how to get over an ex who cheated, this final point is a rippling effect of all the other above points. Once you’ve healed, build your self-esteem and you are not driven by fear, anger, or revenge, there’s a very high chance you’ll be making the right decision.
Besides, you won’t just choose a guy as a rebound, you’d be starting afresh with hope and lots of positive vibes. Trust me, you are now better because you now know what you want because you have experienced what you don’t want.
Research shows that it takes about two years to fully heal from being cheated on. However, some people are more strong-willed and determined than others. Following the right healing process, devoid of all the negative and toxic vibe, it could take less than a year.
Embrace the emotions that come afterward. Instead of avoiding them, deal with them. Don’t blame your self for what your partner did, it could have negative health impacts physically or psychologically. Rather, ask for help. You don’t have to deal with all by yourself. Take care of yourself and trust that things will be better.
It may take a while. Some hide it underneath a habit, anger, and in a new relationship which always comes back to haunt them. However if properly dealt with, the pain of infidelity will pass
One of the things couples learn during therapy is not to aim at getting the relationship back to where it was by all means. Something happened for it to have turned out the way it is now. Also, relationships never usually return to normal after the cheating episode; however, it could only be better or worse depending on how the parties involved handle it.
It doesn’t necessarily mean a relationship is going to end because one cheated. Sharing the hurt and admitting truly with the aim of not repeating it could help the relationship be in a better place than it was before the cheating.
Trust Me When I Say…
Knowing how to deal with being cheated on is not easy. Even a couple’s therapist will tell you the same. However, while you might be tempted to hide all the emotions and just move on with a rebound guy, these tips are proper healing steps to heal faster not only for the next relationship but for your self-worth. Drop a comment if you’ll like to share what you think about the article
As hopeless romantic I struggled tremendously in my love life. After many years of searching, trial & error, and countless failed relationships, I finally found my Mr. Right. It wasn't an easy road, but one that has taught me an incredible amount about the workings of relationships between men and women, and this is what I hope to share through my writing on this blog.