Sex is supposed to be a mutually enjoyable activity between two (or more) consenting adults. But what happens when you’ve had a great night with a guy and then don’t hear from him again? Let’s look at the reasons he might stop texting after sex and how to deal with the situation.
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Let’s get the most uncomfortable explanation out of the way first because it’s probably the one that most women worry about. It’s possible that the sex just wasn’t all that great. He might not text you because he’s not keen to do it again.
There are a couple of issues with this explanation. Firstly, “The sex wasn’t mindblowing” is a dreadful reason to hurt someone and make them feel insecure. I do think that there are times when ghosting can be justified (for example if someone is super-aggressive or abusive), but ‘meh sex’ is nowhere near that threshold.
If the sex wasn’t great, he could (and should) still message you to see how you’re doing and be honest about the fact that he’s probably not going to be around for an encore. It would still suck, but it wouldn’t be quite as painful.
Sex also isn’t like doing a gymnastics routine. You don’t get points for the number of different positions and how precise your timing was. It’s something that you do together. If the sex wasn’t great, that’s most likely because you’re not a great match sexually, not because you’re bad in bed.
Sex usually gets better with time and as you get to know each other’s bodies.[1] You learn how you each like to be touched and you’ll often find that there are some things that are especially powerful with this person that you’re not hugely keen on with someone else.
If he’s bailed after the first time you slept together, he’s showing that he’s unwilling to put the effort in or to learn.
It’s also worth noting that lots of people have their own specific sexual preferences and fetishes. It might be that he’s looking for something specific in the bedroom that he didn’t get from you. Again, he needs to be open about those desires. If he’s not, he can’t blame you for not picking up on them telepathically.
If he’s ghosted you after sleeping with you because he didn’t get the sex he was hoping for, that says nothing about your sexual performance and everything about his lack of communication skills.
Sometimes a guy will not text a woman after sex because of something that did, or didn’t, happen during sex that he’s embarrassed about.
The most common example of this is if he had difficulty achieving or maintaining an erection. It sounds crazy, but there can be so much shame around something that is a simple biological reaction.
If a guy can’t get hard, he’ll often feel as though it makes him less of a man.[2] The entire sexual encounter becomes about his penis, rather than having anything to do with actual mutual pressure. Predictably, this pressure doesn’t help him to rise to the occasion. It can also make him lash out at the woman he’s with.
I’ve had this personally. A guy I hooked up with had had too many drinks and then got super-embarrassed. Unfortunately, it turned him hugely passive-aggressive, which I wasn’t willing to put up with. His lack of erection wasn’t a problem. His poor attitude was.
It’s easy to see how that kind of shame could leave a guy wanting to ghost you after sex. He probably tells himself that you won’t want to hear from him either and so he tries to protect himself from rejection by going no-contact.
This isn’t the only embarrassing thing that might happen during sex. Some guys feel awkward if the girl they’re sleeping with doesn’t have an orgasm. Others will feel ashamed if they fart in the bedroom.
Sex is rarely dignified. There are all kinds of fluids, noises, and inelegant postures involved. If he’s not able to enjoy himself and even laugh from time to time, you’re probably going to struggle to relax and enjoy it yourself.
A guy who doesn’t text after you hook up because he feels embarrassed is probably doing you a favor, even though it doesn’t feel like that at the moment.
There’s a reasonable chance that the guy who stopped talking to you after you slept together was only ever in it for the sex.
I’m going to be completely clear here. I don’t think that there’s anything wrong with having casual sex. As long as you’re having safe, consensual sex, I don’t think that you have to want a relationship at the end of it. But that doesn’t mean that it’s ok to ghost someone after sleeping together.
Firstly, I think it’s important to be honest about what you’re looking for before sleeping with someone. If you only want a quick one-nighter, that’s great but it’s worth saying so. If you’ve been waiting for more of a relationship, be explicit about that too.
If he pretended that he wanted a relationship because he knew you weren’t up for a one-night stand is completely unacceptable. There is never any excuse for lying to get someone into bed. If this is what happened, you’re completely entitled to be hurt and furious.
Sometimes, guys will attempt to excuse themselves by saying that they didn’t realize that you hoped for a relationship and that they were only ever interested in sex. They use this as an excuse for why they stopped texting you straight after.
This excuse doesn’t hold up when you start to think about it.
If you want to have sex with someone, it presumably means that you find them attractive. I also believe that you should respect and even like them as a person. You don’t need commitment and love, but you do need mutual respect and a certain amount of care and consideration.
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Texting someone to say “Thank you for last night. I had a great time and I hope you did too” doesn’t mean that you’re now dating. It just means that you’re a considerate person.
If he can’t bring himself to do that, it’s clear that this wasn’t a mismatch of expectations. It was about him being a selfish creep.
In this version of him ghosting you, he actually does want to see you again. Unfortunately, he thinks that the best way to build a relationship is to keep you guessing how he feels. This is the “treat 'em mean, keep 'em keen” school of dating.
In my opinion, this school of thought gets a clear F.
Any guy who is happy to leave you feeling insecure, abandoned, and unhappy because he thinks it makes you more likely to want to see him again isn’t someone who is going to put your needs first. Ever.
He’s showing you that he will always focus on what he wants and that he’s not going to take care of you or protect your feelings. That’s not a good foundation for a healthy relationship.
This kind of guy will usually waltz back into your life with a non-apology for ghosting you. Don’t let him. If he’s ignored your messages after sex, there needs to be a really good reason for his behavior and an apology for how he’s made you feel.
Try not to reward guys for playing it cool.
We’ve talked about how he might stop texting you after hooking up because the sex wasn’t what he was looking for. It is also possible that he might have been put off by something other than the sex.
Sometimes, guys can be scared off or intimidated by something else that happened in the evening. Maybe he came back to your place and suddenly saw your 14-foot-long pet python. In my experience, that can be a deal-breaker for some guys.
There might also have been something in the conversation that made him feel uncomfortable. If you told him that you loved him, that could have been a much bigger jump in the commitment levels than he was expecting, for example.
Even when we try to understand the reasons that he might have stopped texting you, none of these explanations excuse it. Someone who is mature enough to be having sex should be able to be mature enough to talk about why they now don’t want to have sex with you.
This might not be a simple question to answer. I’ve explained above that there aren’t actually any good explanations for ghosting someone after sex, but that might not be enough to change your mind about him.
Be really clear with yourself about whether you want to see him again and why. Is it because the sex was great? Is it because you really felt a meaningful emotional connection? Or is it because you just want to understand and have the reassurance that it wasn’t something you did?
If you’re hoping for reassurance and you’re not actually head-over-heels for this guy, you’re probably best trying to move on. Recognize that he’s not actually great boyfriend material and try to forget about him.
If you’re actually still thinking of him as a potential partner, it might be time to enlist the help of friends to remind you that you deserve better. Someone who isn’t able to communicate isn’t interested in having a deep connection with you.
If you find yourself in this position frequently, it might be worth talking to a qualified therapist to understand why you struggle to let go of people who don’t treat you with the care and respect you deserve.
If you’re unhappy that a guy you’ve slept with hasn’t texted you, I’m working from the assumption that you’ve already sent him at least one positive message since. If not, what are you waiting for?
There’s absolutely no rule that says that a guy has to be the one to reach out first after sex. There’s nothing wrong with you being the one to say “I had a great time last night. I hope you’re not too tired today.”
Almost all of the reasons that you might feel uncomfortable doing this are just the same for him. If you start to feel that you’ve left it too long, he’s probably thinking the same. You’re not sure that he wants to hear from you? He might think the same about you.
If you do want to see him again, send him a message. In fact, send a single message even if you don’t want to see him again just to be kind and polite (obviously this doesn’t apply if you have fears about your safety).
Show off your great communication skills, even if he’s not doing the same.
Try to think back over your conversations or connection. Can you see any explanations for why he might think that it’s ok to simply ghost you?
Although I’ve said that there is no excuse for ghosting someone after sex, there are some signs that it pays to be aware of if you’re trying to avoid this happening in the future. For example, you might be able to notice patterns that suggest that someone has different values from yours.
Meeting someone in a club can make it more likely that they’re only looking for a one-night stand. Meeting them at a book club or church group might mean it’s more likely that they’re looking for a serious relationship.
If you’re meeting them online, make sure that you read their profile thoroughly. Are there any phrases that keep coming up in guys who go on to ghost you? Being highly sexual on a profile without mentioning any other preferences might be a warning sign, for example.
Especially with the rise in online dating, most of us go on loads of dates that don't end up working out for whatever reason. Hooking up with a guy who doesn’t text you after sex doesn’t mean that there’s anything wrong with you. It just means that you two clearly aren’t right for each other.
I know it’s hard, but try not to obsess or ruminate about it. Rumination (where you go over the same negative thoughts over and over) isn’t going to make you feel better.[3] In fact, it almost always makes you feel worse.[4]
Spend time with friends, go for a walk, or do something else that you really enjoy to take your mind off him.
Reading this article should hopefully have given you some reassurance that he’s in the wrong if he ghosts you after sex. Remind yourself of this and make the decision to walk away.
If he messages you a few weeks (or months) later, this will make it much easier to hold to your boundaries and not let him back in.
It’s all very well to say that you need to be honest about your expectations, but that doesn’t mean that other people will actually listen to you or be honest about theirs. Saying “I only want sex if we’re actually dating” doesn’t guarantee that the other person is going to be honest about how they feel, especially if they only want a hookup.
That doesn’t mean it’s not worth doing anyway.
Being clear about your boundaries and expectations lets you be proud of your actions and helps to avoid regret.[5] If you tell someone clearly that you’re only interested in a hookup, you don’t need to feel guilty if they fall for you and start pushing for more.
Ultimately, whether a guy is honest with you and whether he texts you after sex aren’t things that you can control. No matter what you do, you’re only trying to make it more likely. There are no guarantees.
Being clear about your expectations and boundaries is about focusing your efforts on the thing you can control: what you say and do. Knowing that you acted according to your values and with integrity lets you rise above a guy who vanishes after sex.[6]
Texting after sex should be no more stressful than messaging before. This means that it shouldn’t matter who texts first. If he stops texting you and doesn’t reply, he’s showing that he doesn’t have the integrity or communication skills you expect from a partner. Let him go.
Some guys act weird after you sleep together. Often, this is a sign of immaturity or a lack of communication skills. If he can’t handle the fact that you’ve had sex, you’re better off without him in your life.
There are many reasons that a guy might stop texting after you have sex, but none of those reasons are good ones. Generally, it’s a sign of immaturity, a lack of ethics, and poor communication skills. You deserve better.
I hope this article helped you to understand why a guy might stop texting after sex and to set strong boundaries around this kind of behavior. Let me know in the comments, and remember to share this article with someone who might need the reminder and support.
Utilize this tool to verify if he's truly who he claims to be
Whether you're married or just started dating someone, infidelity rates have risen by over 40% in the past 20 years, so your concerns are justified.
Do you want to find out if he's texting other women behind your back? Or if he has an active Tinder or dating profile? Or even worse, if he has a criminal record or is cheating on you?
This tool can help by uncovering hidden social media and dating profiles, photos, criminal records, and much more, potentially putting your doubts to rest.
