If you are in a serious relationship and have a fear of commitment, you may need to talk to your partner about your commitment phobia. They need to understand what they signed up for with you. Wouldn’t you agree? The last thing you want to do is to lead them on!
Many people have relationship anxiety! Relationship anxiety occurs when you feel extreme anxiety because you are in a committed relationship. You might have relationship anxiety if you have any of the following signs – which we will go over in this article. If you do have a fear of commitment or relationship anxiety, we’ll cover what you can do to get past that.
Instead of having a commitment phobia, you’ll learn what you need to do to be in a healthy relationship, one that is long-term and headed for a serious future. If you have a commitment phobia, you are scared of a commitment. You may not be ready for any serious relationships right away if you have a commitment phobia, but over time, this can improve.
Let’s jump into this subject more, so you can feel secure in your relationship and quit feeling trapped or worried about having a long-term romantic attachment with someone.
- 1 What Is Fear Of Commitment?
- 2 Signs Of A Fear Of Commitment
- 2.1 1. The thought of being a husband or wife makes you feel uneasy
- 2.2 2. You end good relationships too soon
- 2.3 3. You don’t like the terms boyfriend and girlfriend
- 2.4 4. You don’t enjoy dating someone for more than a few weeks
- 2.5 5. You don’t enjoy PDA
- 2.6 6. You like to keep your options open
- 2.7 7. You play hard to get
- 2.8 8. You don’t get emotionally attached to anyone
- 2.9 9. You question the relationships you get into
- 2.10 10. The word marriage scares you
- 2.11 11. You have way too high of expectations for a partner
- 2.12 12. You have been called a player
- 2.13 13. You don’t like to talk about the future in relationships
- 2.14 14. You hate making plans.
- 2.15 15. You easily feel trapped in relationships
- 2.16 16. You don’t say, “I love you”
- 2.17 17. You don’t buy gifts for your partner
- 2.18 18. You don’t make promises
- 2.19 19. You don’t get invested in relationships
- 3 How To Get Over A Fear Of Commitment
- 4 FAQs
- 5 Summary
What Is Fear Of Commitment?
Commitment phobes are people who are scared of commitment. Their fear of commitment may have grown from something that happened in early childhood or in past relationships. Fears are real, and commitment phobes aren’t irrational people. Instead, they have learned what hurts and understand what to do to avoid being hurt again. It’s not wrong to want to protect yourself.
Many people avoid getting in a romantic relationship because they are afraid of making a commitment with someone. They know they will have anxiety about the commitment issues they have, and they understand they will want to end the relationship before it’s time to let things go. Often, these individuals fear that they will hurt the person they are with.
If you are afraid of commitment, your fears are normal; you are just looking out for your well-being, and you know that commitment makes you feel anxiety. It’s completely normal to guard your heart. If fear of commitment is stopping you from being in a healthy relationship, you can try to get over that fear and learn to build intimacy with your partner!
Signs Of A Fear Of Commitment
1. The thought of being a husband or wife makes you feel uneasy
Romantic relationships can be messy, especially when you talk about becoming husband and wife one day. That can be super scary! It’s normal to freak out when you hear these terms. Many people don’t like to commit to a long-term investment like marriage.
2. You end good relationships too soon
If you have a fear of commitment, you may end good relationships when they get too good. You know that things are just going to go South at some point, so you decide to end the relationship without giving it a real try. This happens with lots of people in romantic relationships.
3. You don’t like the terms boyfriend and girlfriend
Similar to the first point, you may have a fear of commitment if you don’t like to use the words boyfriend or girlfriend. Those names can be scary because it means you are a serious couple! If you feel fear when it comes time to commit like this, you are probably worried about being in a long-term relationship.
4. You don’t enjoy dating someone for more than a few weeks
Time is a big factor when it comes to a fear of commitment. You may just not want to be in a relationship that lasts a long time because you don’t want to be serious. You might also fear that you will hurt the other person if you stay together for any length of time.
5. You don’t enjoy PDA
If you don’t have positive feelings about PDA (public displays of affection), you may fear commitment. Showing affection means that you are with someone, and the whole world can see this if you are in public. If you like to keep things private, you may not be ready for a serious partnership.
6. You like to keep your options open
As mentioned, if you want to play the field, you probably aren’t ready for a serious, long-term relationship. Instead, you would rather date many people at the same time or keep your options open until someone better comes along. Either way, you have a fear of committed relationships.
7. You play hard to get
Many people play hard to get in an effort to keep an emotional distance between themselves and the person they are interested in. Do you enjoy being coy and playing games with the hearts of the opposite sex? You may just not want to be invested in a relationship for fear of getting hurt or hurting someone else.
8. You don’t get emotionally attached to anyone
As mentioned, playing hard to get is a great way to avoid being attached to anyone in a relationship. You may enjoy keeping your distance to protect your heart from getting broken at the end of a relationship. While that is not always the outcome, it can be, and that risk alone can scare some people away from being serious.
9. You question the relationships you get into
I’ve been in quite a few relationships where I question the relationship. I wonder if things are going too well or why they are going so well. I figure there must be something wrong that I’m not staying in the relationship as negativity floods my mind when I get into a real relationship. I think many people do this because they wonder if there’s something wrong with them.
10. The word marriage scares you
Talking about getting married can be quite scary, especially if you just entered a relationship. However, this is a topic that most couples chat about at some time or another. People want to know how well suited they are for one another, so they ask a lot of questions.
11. You have way too high of expectations for a partner
If you are looking for someone who is perfect in a relationship, you will be looking for a long time. No one is perfect; we each have flaws. It’s important to have realistic expectations when you go into a relationship because there are going to be issues that come up that the two of you don’t agree on.
12. You have been called a player
If you’ve been called a player, you might have a fear of commitment because you enjoy playing the field. You like having one relationship after another, and they are usually short-term relationships. You may enjoy the thrill that comes from dating one person after another, or you may be scared to settle down. It’s a very common problem.
13. You don’t like to talk about the future in relationships
Having a future with someone means that you have to commit to the relationship. This can be scary, so you might avoid talking about the long-term results that will come from this relationship. If you can’t talk about the future when you are in a steady relationship, you probably have some commitment issues that need to be resolved.
Does talking about the future cause you anxiety?
14. You hate making plans.
Plans mean that you will commit to something in the future. Instead, you prefer to talk about the current status of the relationship, not what will happen “one day.” You probably value mindfulness over any talk of the past or future. Mindfulness is when you focus on the present rather than on any other period of time. This makes sense for you.
15. You easily feel trapped in relationships
You may not trust easily if you are worried about committing to someone in a relationship. You might find it difficult to feel at ease when you are with someone else. It may make you feel trapped or suffocated when really you should be happy you found someone and excited about what is to come in the relationship.
16. You don’t say, “I love you”
Saying those three little words can mean a lot to your partner, so you may not want to because you worry they will think the relationship is more serious than you’d like it to be. Also, you may not want to commit to the feelings and expectations that come with those words. Many women think if you love them, you will do certain things for them.
For example, your girlfriend might expect roses on Valentine’s Day or on her birthday if you have said those three little words. You have said you have loving feelings, so she believes you will do what it takes to make her happy. If you don’t feel that strongly for her, you should avoid making committed statements like that.
Saying I love you sends a certain message to girls. They think that you want to be with them for a long time and care about them a lot. They also think that they are the only girl in your little black book. If you are dating multiple girls, it’s best not to say the word love for a while – until you are more serious about the girl. Be consistent.
17. You don’t buy gifts for your partner
If you avoid gift-giving, you may have a fear of commitment because you know that gifts mean you are serious about this person, and you’ve committed to being with them for at least a little while longer. Maybe you’ve been together through the beginning of the year, and Valentine’s Day pops up. If you buy a gift, you are showing you’re serious!
18. You don’t make promises
Like gifts and planning, making promises can indicate you are more serious in a relationship than you want to be. It’s perfectly normal to not want to do this because you are protecting the person you are with and yourself from hurt feelings. However, if you don’t want to be with them long-term, you might want to end things for good.
19. You don’t get invested in relationships
You may not financially get invested in a relationship by not buying gifts for the other person, but also you may protect yourself by not investing emotionally in the relationship. This means that you don’t talk about your feelings much or show your emotions even if you feel them.
How To Get Over A Fear Of Commitment
If you have determined you have a fear of commitment, you should do the following things in order to develop healthy relationships with people. The first thing you should do is determine why you have this fear and face it head-on. You might want to admit the areas where you are weak and determine what you can work on to get past these fears.
The second thing you should consider is therapy. Many mental health providers offer individual and couples therapy, so if you are in a relationship, take your partner with you if they are willing to tag along. A trained therapist can help you identify why you are scared and help you battle your demons to see what you need to change. Trust the process and give it a shot!
The next thing you’ll want to do if you are single is to find someone to date who you are compatible with. This may take some self-improvement on your part, so you can recognize the areas you need to work on and what you need in a partner. Once you’ve found the right person, you will want to build trust in one another. Give it a real shot this time around.
Another thing you will want to do is turn to your support group. This means talking things over with your friends and family members. Be honest with them and explain your fear. Tell them that you would like to change this and be in a healthy relationship with someone. Ask for their input in your life and see what suggestions, ideas, tips, and tricks they come up with.
Finally, it is highly recommended that you set boundaries in your relationship. Explain to your partner that you need certain things to be one way or another. If they are a good match and a good person, they should value your honesty and be glad that you felt comfortable enough to share your limitations with them. Then, they should respect your boundaries well.
Some people want their freedom and have no desire to be in a commitment because they enjoy playing the field. They want to be in many casual relationships; one might call people like these “players” because they enjoy playing the field. If you like your freedom, there’s nothing wrong with that.
Phobias are anxiety disorders, so in a way, they are a mental illness, but officially, having commitment issues does not mean you have a mental illness, even if it feels like you are suffering from one. The best thing you can do is to speak with a mental health professional.
It’s great that you recognize that you have commitment issues in the first place. Many people cannot even admit their fears, so they continue to have problems without any solutions. Stepping out of denial is a great first step. Next, you should consider counseling or group therapy for more help!
If you have fears regarding the seriousness of your relationship, you might be afraid to commit. If you like to keep your options open and date around, you are possibly afraid of commitment. If anxiety occurs when the future is mentioned, you may have a fear of commitment.
Anyone can fall in love; they just need to open their heart to new possibilities and put any commitment fears aside. You always have a chance of falling in love; you just need to open yourself up for real intimacy in a relationship.
Do you think you or your partner has a fear of commitment? Do you worry about your freedom even though you are in a serious relationship? Do you get anxious if the word “Marry” is brought up? Please share your views on fear of commitment in the comments!
As hopeless romantic I struggled tremendously in my love life. After many years of searching, trial & error, and countless failed relationships, I finally found my Mr. Right. It wasn't an easy road, but one that has taught me an incredible amount about the workings of relationships between men and women, and this is what I hope to share through my writing on this blog.