Dating A People Pleaser (21 Things To Expect When Dating A People Pleaser)

Most people want to be liked and respected, but should there be a limit to the efforts you make for others to like you? Where do you draw the line between being a kind person and a people pleaser? Everyone can practice people pleasing. However, the tendency is higher in some people than others.

People pleasing is a trait common in teenagers and emerging adults because they are still figuring out where they belong in a scary world. As such, they do all they can to fit in with their peers and be accepted by adults who make decisions that affect them. 

However, some people grow into full-fledged adults with the people pleasing trait intact. If you aren’t a people pleaser yourself, it might be a bit difficult to notice the trait in the person you’re dating.

People pleasers appear to be extremely nice, often upbeat, and ready to give their all to the people they love. These qualities are amazing, so why do they pose any threat to you? In this article, you’ll learn some of the people-pleasing traits your partner displays in your relationship, and why they are wrong for both of you. 

21 Things To Expect When Dating A People Pleaser

1. He tries too hard to get your attention

In relationships, it is normal to have your partner’s attention most of the time. You’re supposed to spend time together, build dreams and even achieve goals side by side. If a future is in the works for both of you, you can make long-term decisions together. 

However, if your partner is always doing things that mean your attention has to be on him all the time, that’s a sign of a people pleaser. It is unreasonable for him to expect that your focus will mostly be on him. 

Apart from your career, you’ll have family and loved ones to give your attention to. As such, your partner can’t be the only one sharing your time. To him, he is trying to please you but his actions are toxic. Setting healthy boundaries is one of the ways to make him realize his actions are toxic.

2. His opinions are ever-changing

Pleasing people is not a bad thing at all. We need to be on the good side of the people we relate with if we want them to be good to us in return. However, it is bad to lack principles that guide our decisions. 

People pleasers find it hard to hold a single opinion and stand by it because they are worried about what others will say. Many people think people pleasers are selfless, but selfishness guides most of their decisions. 

The feeling of insecurity guides their decisions each time, and this makes them lose credibility in important situations. If your partner is always changing his opinion because he wants to appeal to another person’s ego, he’ll eventually betray your relationship. A time will come when you’ll need him, but he’ll vote in favor of an outsider.

3. Only constant compliments make him feel good about himself

A people pleaser likes to give the impression that he has confidence in himself. However, he is never satisfied with himself until you or someone else compliments his looks, outfit, or actions. Having a people pleaser as a boyfriend means you might have to give more compliments than you get as his woman.

You may not know that’s what he’s doing, but if you’re observant you will notice he’s usually trying to be the center of attraction. The need for constant praise will be evident in the questions he asks. 

For example, he will always ask you how he looks after getting dressed. If he cooks, he will ask how good the meal was, even if it was already on the tip of your tongue to praise his cooking. He will act cocky but you’ll know that he isn’t satisfied till you confirm his feelings.

4. He seeks your approval for the littlest things

Apart from obsessing over compliments, a people pleaser is the kind of person who needs approval from people they hold in high esteem. If your boyfriend likes to practice people pleasing a lot, he will seek your validation on even insignificant matters.

Why would you need to have an opinion on the kind of boxers he wears? Probably because he heard some women are either turned on or off by the kind of boxers their men wear. You’ll find some of his actions grating on your nerves, but you’ll probably think he’s trying to be cute. 

You’ll get annoyed with yourself and maybe guilty for finding him silly in the first place. However, you should know your feelings are validated. Then consider setting boundaries on what you don’t need to know or approve for him. Talking to him about these boundaries will help your relationship last.

5. He is always available (even when he shouldn’t be)

Some people might argue that women should treasure relationships where the men are always available for their every whim. There is a thin line between being protective and being unhealthily possessive. When your man is always at your beck and call, you begin to lose respect for him.

No woman likes the feeling that her man has so much free time, he is always available to her. Another reason this behavior is unacceptable is that you’ll begin to feel claustrophobic about his constant availability. You’ll feel like he is watching your every move, and that you’re in a prison.

It certainly doesn’t serve either of you any good to feel completely dependent on each other in the relationship.

6. He seems less concerned about his family

he seems less concerned about his family

There is a difference between making you his priority and forsaking his family for you. Even married couples still consider their birth families important, and they keep strong relationships with them. When your partner places too much focus on you while completely ignoring his family, you should be concerned. 

Even if his excuses for giving you preference sound a bit plausible, make him open up to you about why he is doing so. If he is using you as a distraction from facing the issues with his family, his attempts at people pleasing you will eventually fade. You might not like the man who emerges after that period.

7. He appears happy all the time

Almost everyone looks forward to a life where happiness is the norm, but we all know that’s an idyllic notion. Life is full of hard times and good times. The most you can strive for is a balanced life where the hard days don’t outweigh the good ones.

As such, it is dangerous when your partner has a smile ready for every situation even when it is perfectly normal to be sad. Except he has a disorder that indicates he can’t express negative emotions, sadness is a normal feeling you should see him express. 

If he is always smiling when he should be hurt, he might be living in fantasy. Fantasy is a temporary fix; the feelings he’s avoiding are like time bombs waiting to explode all over your relationship.

8. He tries too hard to only show his good side

No matter how good a people pleaser is, they will always have their bad side. If you’re in a relationship with a people pleaser, he will try to always stay on your good side. Not only that, but he will also want everyone he meets to like him. After all, if he is a people person, it will score him higher on your list.

He will always be the cheerful one when you’re down, but you’ll never catch him talking about anything going wrong in his life. He is always full of advice for you and others, but he never seems to commit any error anyone can correct.

9. He is too friendly with new acquaintances

If your partner ignores old friends to build a connection with new acquaintances, he is a people pleaser. He doesn’t think he is acting wrongly because he is ‘only trying to make new relationships’. After getting what he wants from these new friends, he will return to his old pals by trying to be his nice old self. 

His ploy will work with some and fail with others, but he won’t care because he feels he can easily make new friends. This habit points to an unstable person you can’t rely on. He might one day leave you when he meets someone who seems better than you.

10. He only decides after others have spoken

A man with no mind of his own will follow the directions of people he has no business dealing with. If he is always the last one to contribute his opinion or decision, he is a chronic people pleaser. He would usually wait to hear what others have to say so that his decision will agree with that of everyone else. 

He will side with the majority in public even though he doesn’t hide his displeasure in private. He never expresses an opposite opinion even when it will serve his purpose or the good of the people he is responsible for. He doesn’t take any risk even when there’s a high chance of great rewards.

11. Your attention isn’t enough for him

It is one thing to seek the attention or approval of someone you love, it is another thing to expect that near-strangers will do the same. Your man’s social self-esteem is so bad if he wants to be seen and heard everywhere he goes. Some people have a strong personality aura that announces them no matter where they are. 

However, they don’t need to force their magnetic effect on people. Both of you risk constant embarrassment if he’s always putting too much effort into making mere acquaintances or strangers take to him.

12. He beats himself over little mistakes

he beats himself over little mistakes

People pleasers want to appear perfect, but they eventually slip up. When they do, they beat themselves up over any little mistake. They set up unreasonable expectations and consider themselves weak when they fall short of those expectations. 

Healthy communication might help your partner see things from a more realistic perspective. Dating a people pleaser means investing time and energy into having healthy communication constantly till he realizes you don’t expect perfection. 

Help him see the need to allow his flaws to show till he’s comfortable with being himself around you.

13. He gives excuses for his errors

When dating a people pleaser you should be ready for some omission of truths. He wouldn’t see his excuses as lying, but you will know. His obsession with living an impeccable life and aversion to making mistakes will lead him to lie to you.

The lies will appear to be harmless until they are not. Again, healthy communication and boundaries can help curb his unhealthy habits. However, if he doesn’t change you might want to adopt self-preservation and move on to a truthful partner. Some people pleasers have sociopathic tendencies, and you’re better off without them.

14. He doesn’t appear to have plans of his own

A people pleaser can sometimes abandon his plans because of the group projects he and his friends have. He can even sacrifice his purpose because he is afraid to lose his friends. While it is inspiring to be dating a man who is loyal to his friends, it is awful to be okay with him ruining his plans for them.

Except you’re okay with an unambitious man willing to tag along with his successful colleagues, while he is unsuccessful, you need to jerk him out of his foolish attitude.

15. He tries too hard to avoid conflict

It is easy to take an introvert as a people pleaser. However, an extrovert could also practice people pleasing to achieve their selfish goals. It is rare to find an extrovert who avoids conflict, but even some extroverts can suffer from low self-esteem. 

If your partner is always reluctant to initiate a civil confrontation when people upset him, there is a problem. Whatever is his reason for avoiding conflict, he will seek out other channels to let out his frustration. If you don’t want to be one of those channels, you should talk to him about confronting people when they upset him.

16. He allows people to take advantage of him

It is honorable to help people out without expecting anything in return. However when it becomes obvious they are taking advantage of you, it makes sense to stop them. If your partner allows people to take advantage of him without creating boundaries, it’ll cause problems for both of you later.

When he finds it hard to say no to the things that hurt him, those things will eventually affect you too. You could help him understand that there should be a limit to the way he makes himself available to other people.

17. Honest criticism hurts him

Another thing a people pleaser hates is criticism or correction. They don’t like to hear that they aren’t doing something right. They balk at the idea of being less than correct. They act hurt and rejected when you tell them you don’t like something they did.

A male pleaser might react differently to the way a female would, but you’ll see the trait in the way he responds to your corrective comments. He will try to use his ego to cover up his hurt, but let him know you mean well. You could leave him to his feelings first, then explain later that you only corrected him because you care.

18. He is a pushover who never pursues personal happiness

he is a pushover who never pursues personal happiness

A pleaser doesn’t realize this, but they usually ignore doing things that guarantee their happiness because they are busy trying to please everyone else. If you’re dating a pleaser, don’t think he doesn’t desire happiness. He wants to be happy, but he thinks he will do so by trying too hard to please other people.

While it’s true you can gain some measure of happiness when you make others happy, you cannot base your joy on other people’s achievements. He needs to understand that wanting joy for himself should be just as important as making others happy.

19. He is easily flattered

A man might not blush like a woman when someone flatters him. However, his following action will dictate how affected he is by the flattering words. Does he act appropriately or does he act too nice to compensate for the flattery?

For example, does he make an inappropriate remark about how stunning another woman is because she complimented him, even though you are present? Doing so once might be considered a mistake. Repeating the same mistake multiple times is a habit you shouldn’t tolerate.

20. People pleasers harbor hatred most

People pleasers feel that because they are nice to everyone else, they should get the same treatment. When they don’t get the reaction they expect, they begin to dislike their opponents. Their display of dislike might be subtle, but it will be there all the same.

The silly part is that they will still speak to the people they perceive as enemies because their people-pleasing side can’t help it. If you’re dating a people pleaser you might want to look out for the moments when he begins to speak ill of someone he once claimed he liked so much. Observe if his opinion of the same person changes with improved interaction with them.

21. He holds back himself from you

Dating a people pleaser can be a lot of work because you never completely know who he is. Being in a relationship with a people pleaser is like being in a part-time relationship because you don’t know if he’s all in or not. Sometimes, you’ll feel like he is keeping secrets from you. 

However, you won’t be able to catch him in a lie because he’s always on guard. You know he is only partially with you mentally, but he does all these other nice things to make up for the parts he can’t show you. 

Even if other people can accept this behavior from him, you don’t have to put up with it. A relationship is meant to be an ‘all in or out' deal. You deserve to be loved completely, imperfection or not. 

FAQs

Is it bad to date a people pleaser?

As long as you think you won’t be bothered by their sometimes irritating attitude, yes you can date a pleaser.

Why is it hard to date a people pleaser?

It is hard to date a pleaser because they are sometimes too blind to see how their behaviors affect you.

How do I stop being a people pleaser in a relationship?

Consider yourself important and likable enough without seeking other people’s validation or connection. Make decisions without involving anyone else. 

How do you attract a people pleaser?

You may attract a people pleaser when you have something they desire to have for themselves. It could be your connection, success, or even physical attributes. 

How do I stop being so insecure?

You can overcome insecurity by listing out the amazing traits you possess. Then remind yourself daily by reading them out till you believe the words.

In Conclusion 

Being a pleaser could have its perks; you’re accepted, liked, and wanted almost all the time. However, the rest of the time you’re only tolerated. Hopefully, this article has shown you how dating a people pleaser can rub off on you or affect you wrongly. 

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