No one likes the idea of being the other woman. What’s more, nobody sets out with the mind to be a second choice for a guy who is married. Instead, most women dream of elaborate weddings, happily ever after, and nurturing families built with the man of their dreams. Yet, here we are, with statistics showing that 25% of married men have been unfaithful at one point or the other.
But who is the woman that they cheat with? What is her reality? And what are they myths she’s holding on to that need to be dispelled? The truth is, research shows that very few women enter into affairs with malice or with their mindset on hurting the married man’s wife.
However, on the occasions when they did, it was with a mixture of envy and pity, but never malice. With that said, if you are the other woman in a relationship, here are a few sad truths that you need to confront first.
- 1 Being The Other Woman – Why It Sucks
- 1.1 1. He’s not leaving his wife
- 1.2 2. You’ll likely end up losing out
- 1.3 3. He’s probably still sleeping with his wife
- 1.4 4. He’ll likely lie and cheat on you too
- 1.5 5. You probably have a low self-esteem
- 1.6 6. It’s a lonely experience
- 1.7 7. He will never prioritize you
- 1.8 8. The affair won’t remain a secret for long
- 1.9 9. He finds you expendable
- 1.10 10. He’ll never be proud of you
- 2 FAQs
- 3 To Sum Things Up…
Being The Other Woman – Why It Sucks
1. He’s not leaving his wife
I think it’s only fair to address the most common myth and fantasy about being the mistress. This is because most women in affairs believe that the man will leave his wife to be with them. Consequently, they hang on in the belief that they will only be the other woman for a short time.
However, the truth is that it rarely happens, and more often than not, the other woman loses out, and the wife either remains blissfully ignorant of an affair or finds out and works things out. In fact, in her book, ‘’The Truth About Successful Men’’, author Dr. Jan Halper claims that only 3% of men successfully marry the woman they are cheating with. So, the odds are you will likely fall into the 97% that doesn’t get the guy.
2. You’ll likely end up losing out
Most women want to believe that they are the heroines in their own stories. And if they happen to fall for a married guy, their fairytale romance is more valid and perhaps different from other mistresses. Unfortunately, if you have adopted this way of thinking and are hoping for a happy ending, the odds are firmly stacked against you.
This is because not only does a married guy rarely leave their wives to marry their mistresses, but when they do, the marriage usually doesn’t work. Furthermore, the divorce rate among extramarital lovers is as high as 75%, which means that only one out of four of such relationships will turn out to be successful. Therefore, you need to ask yourself: Are you willing to take those odds?
3. He’s probably still sleeping with his wife
While it is believed that most men cheat for sex, it isn’t always the case. In her New York Times article about sleeping with a married guy, Karin Jones claimed that most of the men she encountered wanted sex; however, it was also true that they were further looking for some type of emotional connection.
However, by sleeping with you, this doesn’t mean he lacks an emotional connection with his wife and isn’t sleeping with her. The truth is, it’s very likely he’s also having sex with his wife, alongside you.
4. He’ll likely lie and cheat on you too
If you think he loves you and will never cheat, it’s time to get real! The sad truth is that you will also be cheated on, lied to, and disrespected. As mentioned earlier, three-quarters of such relationships usually crash, and while there are various reasons for this, one of them is infidelity.
The reason for this is that these relationships weren't built on solid ground, to begin with, and, therefore, cannot hold up for long. So, beware! Just because you currently have all his attention right now doesn’t mean it will always be that way, and very soon, you might be dealing with an ‘other woman’ of your own.
5. You probably have a low self-esteem
“No way!” I hear you say. It is easy to believe that it requires a level of confidence to snatch up a guy who is already married to someone. However, the truth is that you are likely the one with the confidence issues and is seeking validation from the wrong source.
Generally, mistresses get a high from the belief that someone married finds them attractive and that this somehow makes them very desirable – but sadly, that’s not true. No doubt, the pressure society piles on us is another contributing factor to always be wanted by someone; but if you love yourself dearly and respect yourself, YOU will be enough!
6. It’s a lonely experience
When talking about infidelity and relationships with mistresses, an often overlooked fact is how lonely the other woman gets. This is because on some level we want to be proud of the relationship we’re in, but since it’s an affair, you can’t talk about it or benefit from the support systems available to the man’s wife.
Even Sarah Symonds, author of the controversial book, ‘Having an Affair?: A Handbook for the Other Woman’ once said, she is better off alone than having to face the loneliness experienced. Similarly, you can take an excerpt from her book as one of the best other woman quotes. It reads:
“Even if it’s ‘only’ great sex, a promotion at work, or a bit of help with the deposit on that new car, get something for yourself, please. Just to offset that gnawing feeling of being ’second-best’ that will, unfortunately, become as second nature to you as the affair progresses.”
This just goes to show that being the 3rd person isn’t a great gig and it hurts– a lot.
7. He will never prioritize you
As the mistress, you are more often than not second best to the woman he married. Unfortunately, many mistresses are under the illusion that spending time with you when he could be with his family means that he prioritizes you. However, this is again far from the truth. You only need to think about the number of times this guy will give a time and place but bail at the last minute because he has a commitment with his family.
Furthermore, ask yourself this question: Will he come to me when I’m having a breakdown if his child is also in the hospital? You probably already know the answer to this, and it shows that he doesn’t consider you his major priority.
8. The affair won’t remain a secret for long
In the words of the popular song ‘Secret’ by The Pierces, “Only two can keep a secret if one of them is dead.” What this means in simple terms is that a secret between two people is twice as likely to get out. Therefore, your affair with a married man is unlikely to stay in the shadows, because someone else is bound to find out, and when they do, they will certainly say something.
That said, you might think that’s what you want as the exposure of the affair means that he can stop sneaking around with you and elevate you to the number one spot. However, the truth is, in the case of exposure, the man is likely to try and work things out with his wife, and you’ll be cast off.
9. He finds you expendable
Marriage is an investment, and divorces are quite expensive. Therefore, cheating men will cut off their mistresses nine out of ten times if they need to save themselves. What this means is that, as a mistress, you have absolutely no insurance and nothing to take from the relationship, if he suddenly abandons you.
More so, if his wife falls pregnant or other bigger responsibilities come along, he will immediately cut you off. What that shows is that once faced with a decision, he will almost always choose to shed you off with little regard for your feelings.
10. He’ll never be proud of you
Think about it; you’re always sneaking around, he can’t talk about you openly, you always have to put your needs on the backburner for his. All of these point to a ‘dirty little secret’ something, or someone, that no one can ever find out about. This is not a good feeling to have, and it is very hurtful.
However, this is the reality as you will never be in a real relationship with him. Therefore, he’ll never want to show you off or proudly parade you around. And frankly, you deserve better than that.
A third party quite simply is a person who is removed from the central characters in a situation. Therefore, in the case of relationships, a third party is someone besides the protagonists in a marriage.
It depends on what you want out of it. Sometimes, the wife doesn’t care; in which case, the third party is ignored. However, if you are dealing with a third party in your relationship, and you want answers, a confrontation is necessary. That said, the confrontation must be handled with tact.
The most common term for a three-way relationship is a ‘throuple.’ However, in some cases, it has also been called a ‘Unicorn’ due to the rarity of the situation. Furthermore, in a polyamorous relationship, the most common term is ‘partner.’
In general terms, it means the risk that arises from relying on an outside party to carry out a task. So, in the case of a marriage, that risk is usually borne by the mistress and could lead to a number of scenarios, none of which typically ends well for the mistress.
An example of a third party is a mistress. To further clarify, this is because the primary components of a marriage are the husband and wife; therefore, anyone outside of that who purports to be in the relationship is a third party.
To Sum Things Up…
I hope you enjoyed this article – even though you are likely going through a hard time relationship-wise. Just remember, getting involved in a third party relationship does not always end well, even though it felt like something special when it first began.
Also, don’t forget to leave a comment below and if you have any questions, feel free to ask in the comments box also. If you found the article helpful, don’t forget to share it with others.
As hopeless romantic I struggled tremendously in my love life. After many years of searching, trial & error, and countless failed relationships, I finally found my Mr. Right. It wasn't an easy road, but one that has taught me an incredible amount about the workings of relationships between men and women, and this is what I hope to share through my writing on this blog.