Money and marriage go hand in hand, but that doesn’t necessarily mean that it’s happy hand-holding. Financial issues are one of the primary sources of stress for couples. Most of the time, you’ll hear a wife complaining that “all my husband cares about is money.”
It’s so common that the hard-working man and financially irresponsible wife have quickly become stereotypes for married couples. That doesn’t mean you’re headed for divorce, though.
- 1 How To Deal With Money And Marriage
- 1.1 1. Understand where he’s coming from
- 1.2 2. Agree on shopping
- 1.3 3. Pay the bills first
- 1.4 4. Discuss goals
- 1.5 5. Make a budget
- 1.6 6. Consider separate bank accounts
- 1.7 7. Make big financial decisions together
- 1.8 8. Don’t try to change him
- 1.9 9. Make sure there is plenty of love in the relationship
- 2 FAQs
- 3 Conclusion
How To Deal With Money And Marriage
While married, you’re both going to have to deal with money management. Sometimes, this can go smoothly. Other times, it doesn’t. If you feel like your husband is obsessed with money, there are quite a few things that you can do to make the marriage work, and even find some common ground concerning your finances.
1. Understand where he’s coming from
If it feels like all your husband cares about is money, there could be a reason. Men who view themselves as a provider feel an immense amount of pressure to make sure that everyone has what they need, and a lot of what they want. If you’re in debt, it could be very important to him that you follow a strict budget to take care of that problem.
Sit down with your husband for an honest, open conversation. Listen to what he says. Discuss his goals for both the marriage and budget. This can help you learn not only where he’s coming from, but you can also learn areas that he might be willing to compromise on.
2. Agree on shopping
It’s common for one person in a couple to have fun spending money, and for the other to get irritated. This can lead the person that is the spender to feel guilty about their spending while the other person slowly develops more and more resentment. If you have extra money, agree on how much will be spent per week on non-essential things.
3. Pay the bills first
It’s always important to pay bills first. This is also something that you can both usually agree on! Not only will help you reach an agreement on something to do with money, which can make financial issues feel like less of a battle, but it can also help both of you make sure that there is enough money to go around.
4. Discuss goals
If the two of you have never discussed things like saving money, that could be part of the issue. You might both be headed in different directions financially. Having a heart-to-heart is a great way to make sure that you’re both on the same page. Two people that disagree can have an open discussion regarding those differences and then reach a compromise.
Ideally, people will do this before marriage. Making sure that you both feel the same way about money before tying the knot is ideal. In reality, that doesn’t always happen. It doesn’t mean that the two of you can’t be a team and work on some common financial goals together.
5. Make a budget
Making a budget is important when managing money. To do this, get out a pencil and paper or create a spreadsheet on your computer. Determine how much you spend on bills every month. Then, include things like gas, groceries, and other necessities. Subtract that from the amount of money that the two of you are bringing in.
The amount that is left is how much money you have left.
Then, the two of you will need to determine how to spend or save money. Make a commitment to put a certain amount into savings accounts in case you guys lose your jobs. Then, you both have the freedom to spend what is left.
6. Consider separate bank accounts
There is a lot of advice on the internet, and plenty of it includes how important it is to have a joint bank account. However, that isn’t always the best solution. Couples that feel very differently regarding financial matters can quickly discover that having separate finances can instantly dissolve most financial arguments.
Some couples opt for having separate bank accounts in addition to one joint bank account. Both people contribute a certain amount to the joint bank account.
7. Make big financial decisions together
It’s important that both people contribute to making big decisions. Your partner should never come home to a surprise like a new car that you just leased in the driveway. Big financial decisions, like cars, expensive gifts, etc. should be discussed with each other.
8. Don’t try to change him
One of the biggest mistakes that married people make is trying to change the other person. People learn their spending and saving habits from the time that they are young. They learn them through watching their parents and their own life experiences. This is why it’s so hard to change them.
Instead of trying to change his views on money, work on making the relationship work. It doesn’t matter whether it’s separate bank accounts, you paying one bill while he pays another one, or the two of you sharing everything, you need to do what works for your marriage.
9. Make sure there is plenty of love in the relationship
When it feels like your husband only cares about money, it can quickly kill the romance in the relationship. You might start to feel like you take a backseat in his life to his job and his bank account. He will, in turn, feel like you don’t appreciate how hard he works. Avoid this vicious cycle by keeping the love alive. Some great tips to try include:
- Enjoy romantic activities, like bubble baths, together
- Have a date night once a week
- Maintain your relationship by staying connected with one another
- Include plenty of physical affection
- Don’t let the focus of your relationship be money
- Be prepared to compromise
- Focus on working together on everything in the relationship
- Maintain respect for each other
Two people in a marriage are not going to agree on everything. Having healthy communication and being able to empathize as well as compromise are keys to making it work. This not only applies to financial matters, but to every aspect of your marriage.
Respect where he is coming from. Understand his point of view. Don’t try to change him. Agreeing to disagree can instantly resolve arguments. You don’t have to feel the same way about money. Instead, you can compromise in certain areas and respect each other in other areas.
Your husband might be a financial bully if he insists on controlling all of the finances, including taking your money every payday. A financial bully will also blame you if the budget gets messed up, even if it was him that overspent on something. He might keep all assets in his name and not give you any money.
A toxic husband is often one that engages in unhealthy behaviors, creating a toxic environment and/or relationship. This involves some type of abuse or manipulation. Emotional abuse, financial abuse, and physical abuse can be present. There is often little respect.
A selfish husband is one that insists on putting his own needs first. We all have our selfish moments. It’s common for a person to be selfish when they are grieving or going through a traumatic event. A person that is simply selfish will behave this way regardless of what else is going on, though.
No, he cannot. Your money is still your money. Although all things acquired during a marriage are often considered marital property, it’s financial abuse to take your money and control you in that manner. It’s also illegal for him to restrict your access to a joint bank account.
Understanding why your husband is the way he is and learning to deal with finances together are keys to making this type of marriage work. What other advice would you give to a person in this situation?
As hopeless romantic I struggled tremendously in my love life. After many years of searching, trial & error, and countless failed relationships, I finally found my Mr. Right. It wasn't an easy road, but one that has taught me an incredible amount about the workings of relationships between men and women, and this is what I hope to share through my writing on this blog.